The big 12!

My darling Jenna...

12. You have waited SO anxiously for this day. It is as though at the stroke of midnight, turning 12 would open up this magical world to you. In many ways it will. And I am so excited for all that is to come.

At 12 you love Paris--the Eiffel tower, any trinkets or decor that look French--you love it all! I have no doubt in my mind your determined spirit will find a way to get to France someday. You are really into art, creating, planning family night lessons or object lessons to share. My favorite thing about you right now is your bedtime routine. Every night, you pick a talk or Face to Face recording to listen to. You often will discuss really incredible insights and it just makes my heart so happy that you put yourself in a place where the Spirit can speak to you and teach you. Sweet Jenna, embrace this! It will guide you through many difficult times in life. But more than that, let the spirit fill you with a happiness that cannot come from anything or anyone else.

You used to come home crying that people would mistake you for a child 4-5 years younger, or that you were teased about being short. But you have definitely embraced your petite size now. You are starting to love accessories and dressing up, but you are still a jeans and t shirt girl at least half the week. While some of the combos you put together aren't necessarily things I would choose, I LOVE that you are okay to just be you--to choose what makes you happy, regardless of what anyone else says.

I have thought a lot about what advice I would give you as you enter these years. I look back on my own experiences and based on that I would say this...

-Love yourself. Not based on what any boy says or what any friend does. Love yourself, your talents, your abilities. And even love your flaws and challenges because ultimately they are what make you who you are and how you will become a better person. Love yourself because you are a child of God. And HE loves YOU!

-The gospel of Jesus Christ brings true happiness. There will be times it may feel difficult to study the scriptures or to feel like praying, or to do what you've been asked. But I promise you that it is worth it. You will strengthen and grow your roots of testimony and grow closer to the Savior as by following His life pattern as you dedicate your life to serving others and serving God.

-No matter how awesome you feel you look in your 7th grade school pictures, someday you will look back and wonder what you were thinking. :)

-Embrace these years with your siblings, even though they do seemingly irritating things. Find ways to show patience towards them. They look to you as the example and they will follow your lead. Your relationship with them will be SO important over the next few years. Your life will just feel so much better if you find ways to love them and be close to them throughout your life.

-Learn to laugh at yourself. If you're anything like me, you've got a lot of socially awkward years ahead. I just hope you grow out of it sooner than I have. :) But know, embarrassing moments rarely last forever. And thankfully many people are willing to forgive and let go. Be sure to be one of those people for others too...

-There is such value in keeping a journal. Do it now. You won't regret it. Even the small details, they may not matter in the grand scheme of things, but they will be so valuable as you grow and look back and see how far you've come.

-Remember to love others. It's like I said when I was snuggling with you tonight, I could buy you lots of different things, but the greatest gift is to love and be loved. It is far more precious than anything money could buy. To know you are wanted and needed and loved, and to feel that for others, is so fulfilling. I hope you remember this birthday and every other one you have, that YOU ARE LOVED. Regardless of what the world may say or what discouragement or rejection you may face, you are needed, You are important. You are cared about and prayed for and loved in so many ways.

I am so grateful for you. You are such an example to me in so many ways. I will forever love your ability to be yourself--to have your own style, and the ability to embrace change, and to seek out ways to be your very best. In some ways entering this stage of girl's camp, youth activities, and everything that comes with teenage years, is so terrifying. And yet, seeing your excitement for this stage and everything that comes with it makes it feel like the grandest adventure of all.

May it be just that--

And may you always remember that I am here to walk this path of life with you--the Lord on one side, dad and I on the other. You truly are never alone!

I love you to the moon and back. .
Love, mom

Terribly Terriffic TWO

Dear Josie,

I look at the number 2 and feel like someone is playing a cruel joke on me. Time goes so quickly. In many ways it feels as though you have just been in our family a few months. But no. It's been two wonderful, difficult, stressful, magical years with you.

At 2 you aren't very vocal--at least verbally. You definitely make your wishes known with yelling, pointing, and squealing. You do say a few things--mom, mainly. But I've caught you saying shoe, no and a few other little words lately. I am excited to hear you learn and make the connections that will have you jabbering a mile a minute.

You can make the kids laugh over the silliest things. They are all so in love with you--they race to be the one to wake you in the morning, and argue over who will tuck you in at night. They want to share their world with you, showering you with their stuffed animals and colored pictures and switching "their" movie night selection to something you might have interest in. Lately you've been obsessed with Ring around the rosie--and the kids do it over and over and over and you all laugh and fall into a pile on the floor, only to have you jump up and do it again! You bring a life and laughter to our house that I truly believe only you could.

Anyone who knows you, knows the way to your heart is with a treat...or two...or three. You have a total sweet tooth! You want nothing to do with cooked carrots, but will eat them raw. And you inhale blueberries, strawberries, mandarine oranges, and most other fruits. But you detest other foods most toddlers go-to...chicken nuggets, hot dogs are at the top of that list. But you will never ever turn down a bowl of good ol' mac and cheese.

Your nod YES is the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life--next to the way you fold your arms for prayer. We can be mid-meal and, despite having already prayed, you will fold your arms and look around waiting for everyone to pray, and sure enough, we all stop and do it because we can't resist your cuteness. You love to go "bye bye" and get your shoes on. You insist on wearing a coat or sweater even if it's 80 degrees, just because for you, it's part of the leaving routine. You love music--and you LOVE to dance. Any time, any place. Music comes on, and there's a smile on your face. The Wheels on The Bus is on your top 10 list of 2016 smash hits and you boogie any time you hear it come on or someone sings it.

Over the past 2 years I have loved to watch you grow and develop into a little toddler. Although you are still petite, I sometimes miss the way your tiny baby body just snuggled in to mine. Your legs are longer now, and drape over my arms as I carry you. Your little mass of baby hair has 2 cute ponytails in it's place. You never ever just sit still and watch the world around you--you were born to explore and you make that very known.

In many ways I have found that waiting so long for you to come to our family was a blessing in disguise. I have days where I am just exhausted and frustrated by your stubborn, adventurous nature. I have moments when I am tired of cleaning up messes and wiping sticky fingerprints of mirrors and washing clothes that you threw down the laundry chute--again--even though they were JUST folded. I sometimes wonder why YOUR food can only be eaten if you are sitting on MY lap. But I remember the vivid impression when I dreamed we would have you--it was very distinct. I see it in my mind clear as though it just happened. And I remember the impression--that we would have a girl who would bring us a profound amount of joy. So even on the days I am feeling less than joyous about life, I hold to the promise that you are the joy we were missing.

And you are.

You were loved before you were ever born...you are so very loved now...and you will be, forever and ever, the sunshine and laughter our family needed.

Love you Josie girl...to the moon and back again.
Love, mom

Starting somewhere...

I don't care what anyone says.
Post-move depression is as real as postpartum depression...

I don't know that I have had a single move where I haven't felt this--but you forget. You forget how horribly your heart will ache and how lonely it will feel. You forget that you will be the outsider in conversations, or that the conversation that IS made with you will not be anyone wanting anything real. Deep. Meaningful. It's just surface chit chat--"are you getting settled? Are you in your house? How are things going?" You forget that everything will change--your routine, anything consistent in your life will fly out the window. You forget that stress added on top will just smother the sparks of happiness you're so desperately trying to see. You forget all of these things...At least I did.

And it is never that people aren't nice. Or that people don't care. It's simply that change is hard. And change brings every teeny tiny insecurity bubbling to the stop and just spilling over in an emotional eruption.

I'm trying to combat this--trying to reach out and find others to serve. Trying to invite others over and host dinners or swimming. I am sure on the outside it seems like it's no biggie for me. What nobody sees is the dragon of anxiety that sneaks out of the shadows when I face responses of busy schedules, and previous plans. Because even though I know those things are very real, it is so very easy--so very IRRATIONAL--to internalize it as personal rejection.

I know this won't last forever. Right now, though, it feels like it. I am telling myself to just give it time--that we will find ourselves with good friends, and a consistent routine, and that there won't always be this worry and stress and feeling like I am making a massive fool out of myself all. the. time.

Moving on. Moving ahead. Setting goals. Realizing I can't be where I want to be with the wave of a magic wand (unless someone has one they haven't told me about--in which case, hand it over!)

I watched this video today and it really spoke to where I am at. I sobbed through it--I am grateful for a Master gardener who saw the bigger picture. I wish it didn't hurt so much...moving, change, everything. But I am trusting his plan to turn me into something better than I can imagine.

Survival Mode

I have been laying awake since 1:30 a.m....again.

It isn't that I don't WANT to sleep. It's that once my body is awake, it's awake. Done with zzzz's. For several weeks it's been like this...not by choice. Between sick kids, bad dreams, stress, and a little master of disaster who has discovered not only how to open her door from her bed, but how to climb out of said bed and wander the house, sleep has not really happened for Brandon and I.

But this morning, instead of just laying there browsing contact paper on Pinterest, I felt the urge to write.

The past several months have been a roller coaster. We went from starting the building process, to finding this house we loved--spending hours getting quotes and bids for jobs, inspections taken care of, taxes done so we could move toward closing. The running around and paperwork made for some long, crazy days. And mixed in there we had to hire a new biller--and then days before closing when things were at a chaotic peak, our receptionist gave her notice and I was left scrambling to fill that spot too. It sounds so easy to hire someone...in the stroke of a few words, weeks of work are just erased and it sounds as simple as picking up a pack up gum at the store or getting the mail from the mailbox. But in real life, hiring someone is hard. And it is exhausting. I spent days and days pouring over resumes, checking Facebook profiles, conducting phone interviews, scheduling for personal interviews...all in the middle of closing on the house and starting our major renovation...and being a mom...and doing all the every day life stuff that you can't ignore. On paper, it sounds so menial. In real life, it was absolutely crushing and overwhelming.

I absolutely know that these new hires were what the Lord wanted for us--although sad and stressful at the time, it has been such a positive change and I feel grateful for the Lord's plan and timing. I have said it before, and I will say it again--His plan is always far greater than our own.

Mixed in with all of that hiring business, we started tackling our house redo. We are going about it a hybrid way....doing some ourselves, and hiring out what we couldn't do or couldn't afford to have done. This house is awesome...but it is also big. And big = expensive in the remodel world. But we are trying to avoid debt in the process...so it means we have a lot of elbow grease.

So we've been back and forth painting...installing flooring...helping with demolition of staircase and such. It has been so time consuming. Work, home, kids, church, busy busy busy...sleepless nights seem to magnify the stress and frustration. Well, sleepless nights and slow contractors. I've honestly not wanted to blow my top so much as when trying to get a contractor to stay past 3 p.m. to work on my house, or get them to understand the timeline we are on. And communication?.HA! We've had delays and deadlines threatened and in the end it will literally be down to the wire--things going on till we move our stuff in, if not even after! I will be SO happy when this is over.

This has been the weirdest move we have ever made. At a time when we are at the peak of excitement at finding a house we loved, and starting a new chapter, it's been tarnished by sellers who failed to disclose numerous things that needed repair, that have lead to other problems. Expensive problems. So at this time when I just want to be floating on cloud nine, I feel like I was thrown back down to earth for a hard wake up call. It has also been weird to start the transition to a new ward, and look at moving to new schools, and new neighbors. I know most people think I am just super social and make friends easily--but there is such a sense of insecurity when it comes to all this change. So inside I am panicking and trying not to cry a bucket of tears. But I can't exactly jump ship right now. :)

We still love the potential that lies in our new home. We love going there...we love envisioning what it will be for us. But it makes it harder and harder to live in our rental house. We feel like we are just busting at the seams--our life has become so disorganized the past month or two, and it seems pointless to reorganize everything when we are just going to uproot it again and move in a week. The clutter and chaos are truly making the walls close in...I struggle without a real meal plan, as we try to eat to empty our fridge and freezer so we have less to haul with us. We are back and forth, back and forth to the house--I can feel it taking it's toll on my kids, and the exhaustion just settling over Brandon and I like a heavy metal chain.

We are just living in SURVIVAL MODE.

Emotionally. Physically. We are just trying to get by and not drown.

I long to just snuggle my kids in bed and watch a movie together, or take them to the park and just play and run carefree. I miss having a date night. A real date night...where we aren't painting or working on the house, or talking about the house, or hiring someone, or how irritatingly slow the painters are. I miss routine and consistency--oh, how I miss this.

I know some may say these are first world problems. I certainly acknowledge that there are harder things in life--illness, death, homelessness, to name a few. In words it all seems so menial...so ridiculous. We have certainly been through other trials--harder trials--I think we are just at a place of exhaustion. The heaviness feels so real. And when you've gone and gone and given it everything, and you're still not to the finish line, the end looks farther and farther away.

I am so grateful for the people who have helped--those who have pitched in helping paint, those who have watched Josie, those who have loaned us tools, who have brought a meal. Certainly I can look and see the Lord giving glimpses of light and hope. I am just ready...to give back again, to serve others, to be able to hold my family close and help each of them feel that there is some calm after the chaos.

8 days...we will load it all up in a Uhaul and be on our way. 8 days and somehow 3 weeks of work will need to be squeezed in and finished. 8 days to pack my house and figure out what rooms people will sleep in and where our furniture will go. 8 days to finish THIS chapter of survival mode.

Glimpses

Dear Jenna,

 Yesterday we worked through chores and tackled a long to-do list. I came out of my room and saw you putting the final touches on your room. You were cleaning off your dresser that had a pile of treasures--listening to music and singing along. The light spilled into your room and glowed so warm and bright Your long ponytail brushed back and forth on your back as you moved and sang. I suddenly wondered where my itty bitty little girl had gone. In her place was this beautiful, kind, fun, creative girl. And while I love my itty bitty little Jenna, I am head over heels for this new version of you. I saw you, older and wiser, doing so much good in your life. I saw you serving others and really embracing the beautiful truths of the gospel. I saw you becoming a truly amazing young woman.

 I have loved seeing you grow and blossom lately. You are such a wonderful example to me--you go to sleep at night listening to the Youth Face to Face talks, over and over. Today you came to me after church and mentioned that you had just listened to a Conference talk and loved it so much you highlighted half of it! I see you aiming to set goals and be better. That is something many kids your age have just given up on...it is also something I hope you never lose.

This week we went together to the New Beginnings program (a youth program at church)--in our new ward (congregation). I had a moment of panic when I realized that this would be a whole new world for ME too and I really didn't know anyone, but you jumped right in and participated with the other girls. You were ECSTATIC that it was finally your time to join in...even though you technically have a few more months before you cross over to Young Women. :) I am pretty sure I stopped breathing for a few seconds when I was told the dates of Girl's camp and realized that you would be going this summer. That is more days away from home than you've ever been gone before! Oh, I will SO miss you!

I love the time you lean your head on my shoulder, and look up and me and smile. I love hearing you share your testimony. I love that you still like me to tuck you in each night. I LOVE snuggling in bed and watching movies with you for "special time" I love when we sit and discuss important things together...the lessons you're learning, the way you feel about things...I just want to soak in every word.

My sweet Jenna...yesterday was a beautiful moment for me. I love you for who you are, but yesterday showed me a glimpse of who you will be as you follow the path that the Lord has for you. You will probably face heartache, and loneliness, disappointment and rejection. I suppose that is part of life. I will always be here for you--always. I want you to remember that you do not have to be the best at anything but being YOU. That is all I ask...that is all the Lord asks.

 While I am SO excited for you to grow and experience the adventures of life, I feel the pain of knowing that I am one year closer to you leaving on your own. 18 years hardly seems like enough time to spend in the same house with someone you love and it has me really, truly longing to take advantage of our time together. You are my little girl--now, and always. Thank you for being such a blessing in my life.

Love you sweet girl...
Love, mom

And I will be your light in the wilderness...

Life. It's been really crazy. A flourish of paperwork for home buying, frantically trying to get everything in to get taxes done because our home purchase is based on this year's taxes...since we have the privilege of jumping through the hoops of the self employment circus. And since we are supposed to close on Feb 8, it's been a tad bit nerve-wrecking. :) In all of this, we lost one of our amazing employees and had to hire another--the rolling seas of business ownership are not for the faint of heart. SO stressful! Add in spelling bees, and musical rehearsals, piano lessons, church meetings--it's really just been a full plate around here.

I have set my goal this year to really delve into the scriptures in a different way than I have before. Life feels SO uncertain some days, and I have just felt that I need the words of comfort, to read the promises the Lord has, and to just immerse myself in the word of God. 

This morning I was reading in 1 Nephi--it is talking about Nephi being commanded to build a boat. Now, he and his family had been traveling in the wilderness for many years at this point. I wonder if Nephi had even SEEN a ship before. Verse 8 doesn't say build a ship like you've seen before, but rather, "after the manner which I shall show thee".

And to build a ship, he first had to make the tools...Man, SO MUCH FAITH. He knew what he needed to do, and he didn't hesitate to ASK, And once the Lord told him, he didn't dilly dally--he just went and DID it! 

9 And I said: Lord, whither shall I go that I may find ore to molten, that I may make tools to construct the ship after the manner which thou hast shown unto me?

 10 And it came to pass that the Lord told me whither I should go to find ore, that I might make tools.

 11 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did make a bellows wherewith to blow the fire, of the skins of beasts; and after I had made a bellows, that I might have wherewith to blow the fire, I did smite two stones together that I might make fire.

Then I read the verse that struck me--and has stuck with me all day...

12 For the Lord had not hitherto suffered that we should make much fire, as we journeyed in the wilderness; for he said: I will make thy food become sweet, that ye cook it not;

No fire--none. They hadn't had fire the entire many years of their journey. Not to cook with, not to warm themselves. Not to guide them in the dark or over uncertain terrain. None. Nada. But they had been blessed and provided for all along their journey. It goes on to say:

 13 And I will also be your light in the wilderness; and I will prepare the way before you, if it so be that ye shall keep my commandments; wherefore, inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall be led towards the promised land; and ye shall know that it is by me that ye are led.

It really is true...The Lord, in a very real sense, is the true light we need to guide us. I think about how often I want to rely on my own knowledge--the answer that feels like a security blanket--the very logical, safe things that make sense and help me feel okay to move forward with certain decisions or struggles. 

But that isn't what the Lord desires. He says HE will be our light in the wilderness. And that HE will prepare the way before us, And so long as we are keeping the commandments, that we will be led in the right direction.

3 And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and strengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them; wherefore, he did provide means for us while we did sojourn in the wilderness.

I LOVE THIS! Without having the temporal assistance one would think necessary, Nephi's family was strengthened and nourished, lead and guided, and not just the bare bones minumum. It actually says that "SO GREAT were the blessings upon us"...and the Lord DID provide for them as they tried to accomplish His will. 

I have thought about this--a lot. I am desperately trying to align my will with the will of the Lord, even when it's uncomfortable and stressful and overwhelming. But I have been taught today that I can do better. I have wondered how many times I have shortchanged myself of blessings and guidance because I have tried to sneak a flashlight in my pack to help me see better in case I hit a dark patch. I have felt today that when the Lord says to trust Him and to let Him strengthen us and provide a way--He really does MEAN it! And just like Nephi went years and years without any fire, trusting that the Lord would provide a way for them to journey, I know as I do my part, He will do the same for me. I truly have the desire to let go of the control and see the miracles the Lord will unfold for me as I look to Him to be the light in my wilderness. 

New Year, New House...ready for change

It's been a while since I posted about this house that we stumbled upon, that we loved, but that we weren't sure would really all work out.

I have held out just waiting for answers, making 100% sure we were going to move forward before saying anything else. But as of today, I can officially say the painful negotiating is over and the house is ours--we just have to wait to close.

It's strange. Surreal even. We keep asking ourselves how it is possible that we would end up with a house like this? It is beyond our wildest dreams, and truly every time we talk about that house we mention the fact that this house is total evidence that Heavenly Father knows us SO specifically--so well--even better than we even know ourselves sometimes.

As hard as change is, we feel total peace that this is what we should be doing. For an anxiety stricken person like me, feeling peace feels strange! :)

In the process of deciding what to do, we took our family back to the house to pray as a family and to reconcile everyone's feelings, since some were having major heartache about moving and didn't want to move to this house if it meant leaving the things they were familiar with already. Josie was cranky and tired, and it wasn't this amazing spiritual experience I hoped for thanks to her tantrum throwing and whining, but it was good...and it was enough for everyone to feel peace and have that confidence that this was what the Lord wants for our family.

Once I accepted that change was coming and this was right, I haven't looked back. Not to mourn the loss of what we could have if we stayed where we are...not to question if this is right, not to debate if we should move forward with building any more. Just total peace.

I am grateful for that.

We know there are many things on the horizon, Certainly this house is not the end all of any trials or uncertainties. But to me it is evidence--that God is real. That he hears and answers our prayers. That He has a bigger plan that we could ever dream up ourselves. And more than anything, that is we don't have the answers, if we will move forward with faith, He WILL guide us and make things clear. It isn't always in our timing or in what makes sense to us, but I can testify that He will never leave us hanging. He truly desires to lift us and help us...I am grateful for the portion of faith that has grown as we turned this whole situation over to Him and pleaded for guidance to do His will.

I just feel really humbled--overwhelmed with gratitude--and a greater desire to follow Him more closely than ever before. Here's to a New year--our New house-and much more change that lies ahead.

Happy Sunday.