Childhood Days

I miss the days...

When life was so simple.

When I didn't have to think about money or time or taking care of everyone and everything.

I miss the days of laughter. When life felt light and fun and free.

I miss the days of early bedtimes and spending Saturdays with friends and playing in a world of pretend where I could act like I lived in a grown up world without really doing it. :)

I miss the days where food was just put on the table, and my biggest concern was whether or not the outfit I picked made you look cute or not.

I miss the days...

of riding bikes with the wind blowing through my hair...
of perfectly curled ringlets bouncing across my back...
of belting out tunes from my favorite cassette tape...
of sneaking butterscotch chips from my mom's extra freezer.

I even miss the days where it felt like the world was ending--because looking back, I realize it was so very far from that.

 But now...here and now...I wonder if I will ever look back and miss these days...

Where you're really the adult...taking care of everything and everyone.
Where life is full of immeasurable joy...and yet feels heavy at the same time.
Where long curls have been replaced by a frazzled ponytail, and early bedtime only exists for the children you tuck in at night.

I wonder if I'll miss these days of coming up with meals to put on the table every night, of abandoning the 2 wheels for 4 and driving everyone all over town here and there...of belting out tunes from the latest Disney film over and over and over and over...

I wonder if I will miss the sheer test of faith with the job hunt...the pure frustration of realtors letting you down and not showing your house after all...the uncertainty of everything to come.

I have a feeling I will...somehow. Some way. Just like I somehow miss my childhood days...

What's in a name?

This poor baby shall perhaps remain nameless...

That is how it feels right now, at least. :)

After 4 kids, I've got some pretty strict criteria going on...so this final baby naming is ROUGH!

Baby Girl's name must:

• be able to go with Ann as the middle name
• be 2 syllables 
• NOT start with a C or K
• NOT end with ER.
• be a girl only name (no gender sharing, at least while I can avoid it)
• not be one of the names my 18 nieces have...
• NOT be able to be shortened to a different name (ie...Makayla --->Kayla)
• Preferably not be in the top 100 names of the year...

Is this all too much to ask? Apparently so...Because we. are. stumped.

I have a whole list of names on my phone. I love how I can say "back in the day I wrote it all down". I am feeling rather old now. :) Point is, I have a list that is added to frequently. And some mornings I will look at it and wonder what in the heck I was thinking when I wrote certain names...

And call me crazy--this is not necessarily strict criteria, but as of now our kids don't share the same first initial. And I kind of like it that way. Labeling sandwiches? Put one letter on the plastic baggie. Writing a list of needs for each one? One letter says it all. The thought of overlapping letters almost bothers me now. The biggest bummer is that 2 of the names I really like, share the same initials with 2 different kids. Ugh. BUT, again...not on the complete OUT list.

I go back and forth...we really loved the name Macy for a long time--still do. And it met all our criteria, etc. But then there is the whole personal association problem--and once you know someone with that name who hasn't made the best choices, it's kind of hard to separate that thought from this new little person who comes with a clean slate.

I liked the name Sadie--but aside from becoming really popular, it is apparently one of the top dog names now. This seems absurd to me --and I don't let that bother me one bit--but BRANDON, on the other hand, stands firm with it being more for pets than people. At least for OUR little people. (for the record, I love it--and I don't think of a 4 legged friend at all!)

Josie was a contender...I guess it still is, technically. But J is for Jenna...and there we have the crossing over first initial. That, and I looked at it written and saw Jose once...and that's what crosses my mind now. Will she be called Jose? Not to mention the people who bring up Josie and the Pussycats--something which I still have no real idea what it is, but several people have mentioned it. :) AAAAND, I don't know that I love Josie Ann. Sound weird? I don't know... Sigh...

As we wrote our list out, several names started with K...but between Kaden and Carter, many of the other K names sound too similar--so we have to toss them.

Haley was also brought up in discussion--Haley Ann sounds cute. But Haley Holloway? Is that too much H? The downer here, is that I not only have a husband to please, but a small crowd of littles who want to give input. Jenna said very matter of fact that we should just name her Josie and call it good, and when I brought up Haley, I got a look of disgust. Brandon is convinced it could grow on her...

This baby naming stuff is HARD! With every boy we had, it was easy to say that girl names were easier. But I am here to say that is not necessarily true.

Truly though, I will confess to overthinking things at times. After all, I was really hesitant to name Carter his name because I was worried people would see it as "CART OR HAUL AWAY" (Carter Holloway)--like, do you want me to cart or haul away your garbage? haha. It doesn't bug me now, but there were some intense weeks I just did not know if I could let go of that visual and give him that name...

Just over 10 weeks to go, and not a day closer to finding a name we can stick with. The planner in me is frustrated by this...but I also know it's a lifetime of living with a name, so I want to put it all in place and have it be just right.

Suggestions? Ideas? This mama is open to ideas...

Ground Zero

 

 For so long it seemed like we had things settled. Plan A, Plan B--certainly one of those would work out.

And then they didn't. And we were left to start over from ground zero.

More applying. More networking. More trying to figure out the pieces to the puzzle that this job hunt has become.

I was sad when plan B didn't work out as well. It is exhausting to see defeat so much. But I just needed a night to cry and pray and be sad...

And then I moved forward. I waited over a week to write anything...at the time it felt way too painful to admit defeat yet again, when a wound was already so fresh.

In a million years, being jobless in February was never something we considered. Being without a job prospect going into March, completely unthinkable. And yet, that's exactly what it will be...and you know what?

IT'S OKAY.

Yes, I said it. It's okay. 

I read a talk a couple days after Plan B fell through that Elder Uchtdorf gave, "Continue in Patience". It was everything I needed to hear and more. 

I'll share a few of my favorite excerpts...

"Patience—is a precious and rare virtue. We want what we want, and we want it now. Therefore, the very idea of patience may seem unpleasant and, at times, bitter.

Nevertheless, without patience, we cannot please God; we cannot become perfect. Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace.

As parents, we know how unwise it would be to indulge our children’s every desire. But children are not the only ones who spoil when showered with immediate gratification. Our Heavenly Father knows what good parents come to understand over time: if children are ever going to mature and reach their potential, they must learn to wait."

As a parent, this his me hard...true. I would never feel to give my kids whatever they wanted whenever they wanted it...and it was a good reminder that ultimately, I am a Child of a loving Heavenly Father, and because He loves me, He too cannot just give me every desire of my heart at the drop of a hat whenever I wish it.

"There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!

Impatience, on the other hand, is a symptom of selfishness. It is a trait of the self-absorbed. It arises from the all-too-prevalent condition called “center of the universe” syndrome, which leads people to believe that the world revolves around them and that all others are just supporting cast in the grand theater of mortality in which only they have the starring role."

I was especially struck by the thought of impatience being a symptom of selfishness.That line alone has helped me to really see this situation differently. It made me think how often the answer YES for me was a no for someone else--and the same with the jobs that didn't work out--those didn't HAVE to be our YES because they needed to be for someone else. And our time will come. But until then, I will remain grateful that others have had their prayers answered and feel especially blessed when things fall into place for us.

"Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often we can’t see the Lord’s hand in our lives until long after trials have passed. Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness."

"Patience is a godly attribute that can heal souls, unlock treasures of knowledge and understanding, and transform ordinary men and women into saints and angels. "

"Patience is a process of perfection. The Savior Himself said that in your patience you possess your souls. Or, to use another translation of the Greek text, in your patience you win mastery of your souls. Patience means to abide in faith, knowing that sometimes it is in the waiting rather than in the receiving that we grow the most. "

These words spoke so deeply to me--I have known for quite a while that this was a trial of our faith. I recognize that. I have felt myself grow and draw closer to the Savior. And while I am so very far from perfect, I love the idea that patience is a process of perfection. I feel like this has become a time in my life to really fine tune some of the many things I need to change about me that would help me to be a better disciple. It doesn't mean this is necessarily an easy thing to go through. 

Brandon and I both are very well aware that things will work out--in a time and way we probably won't expect. We feel that. We have faith in that. And we have felt a tremendous amount of peace granted, where there was uncertainty and worry. But as I read this talk, I found myself really hoping that I could use these very long months and very painful experiences to be those building blocks that will help me rely on the strength of the Savior to become a better disciple and to develop the character that will carry me through whatever challenges may come.

We are acting in faith--regardless of how small it may seem. We are doing out part. And I am so incredibly proud of Brandon's diligence and persistence to go onward and wait for the Lord's answer to be yes.

What's up?

Christmas came, and the opportunity to take pictures arose. It seems like my camera is just not with me like it used to be. Who knew obtaining a smartphone would cause my actual camera use to decline? It's a blessing and a curse...
But I wanted to document a non-insta captured moment. :)

Here are the kids in their pre-Christmas Sunday getup. :)


And while I intended to just get a snapshot of them together, Kaden asked if I would get a picture of him, which lead to all the kids asking for pictures of themselves...except Carter, who obliged so long as he could give a scowly face.

So individual pictures seemed a good time to do a little update on everyone...
Here's our rundown. :)

Kaden--7--also known as "Kaden-roo". What a little studmuffin. Seriously. This kid is so cute. And so great. He is always on top of getting his homework done without being asking and begs to read "just a little bit longer" every night. He's cruising through books like crazy, and I love watching him really get into them. Kaden has some good ideas--somethat make me laugh a little bit. :) When I talked to the kids about keeping their beds made as we prep to sell our house, Kaden came up with the solution to literally keep his bed made. Yep, he made it, and sleep on top of the blanket with a smaller blanket over him. Being on the top bunk, I've got to say it has actually spared me some serious awkward pregnant woman bed-making... :)  Kaden is almost always the one who Carter wants to hold hands with during prayer, or walking into the store, etc. He really looks up to him.

Kaden still loves to look handsome and wear button up shirts on special occasions. And he started doing his own hair this year--always wet, gelled, and combed to the side. He does a pretty good job! ;) It's hard to believe that we are closing in on Kaden turning 8 and being baptized. Where on earth has time gone?




Jenna--9 3/4 -- Oh Jenna. Jenna is a free-spirited little soul. She really has her own ideas and agenda, and even though she often asks for advice about hairstyles or clothing coordination, she always has her own answer she is wanting you to say, and lack of guessing what exactly that is, causes a meltdown or two on occasion. She is independent and for about the past year or so that she will do her own hair. This was a tough pill to swallow--I loved doing her hair, and then she donated it to locks of love in Kindergarten and we spent the next several years trying to grow out a really bad haircut. SO now that it's long enough to do again, it's really hard for me to let go and know that she wants to do her own thing. It usually starts out as an elaborate idea and somehow morphs into a ponytail or bun before she heads out the door. Sigh...

She always has her nose in a book and loves to read at bedtime especially. She still loves her American Girl doll and dressing up, and comes up with the funniest notes all. the. time.

I can tell she is doing SOME physical growing, but she is still small for her age. We see the endocrinologist again next week and will see how her progress is. I don't think there is anything growth hormones will help at this point, even though our pediatrician was immediately trying to push them on us. Really, I think she comes from shorts parents who have shorter siblings. And that is a-okay. Until she grows, we're going on 2 years in the same pair of tennis shoes and an almost 10 year old wearing size 6 jeans. She is our little bean and we sure do love her!


Spencer-- also known as "Spence-diggy". At 6 1/2 he is a master of his own universe. We have many days we wonder what goes on in his mind. :) But after talking to many other parents with kids the same age, I am beginning to think it's just how some 6 1/2 year old kiddos are. He also loves to read, and does it pretty well. But he is also afraid to get kicked back a reading level so has suddenly started choosing super easy books and finishing them the same night, and then being bored the next several days till it's library day again. We're trying to find a happy medium for him--but it's been a challenge. Spencer loves me to sing to him every night--just can't close those sleepy eyes unless he hears Snuggle Me Warm. :) Some nights it's exhausting because it's just one. more. thing. But many nights I know there will come a time he won't need me to do that any more and I will probably be sad about it...

Spencer is smart--he really gets a lot of things, and has developed this fascination with sports. He checks out books about all sorts of teams and is always asking Brandon what he things about the players and team stats. This is kind of funny to me because our kids have never done sports, we don't get TV channels to WATCH sporting events, and even Brandon isn't really into watching many sports. But Spencer is accumulating an extensive mental catalog of different sport positions, players, and wins. We love our Spence-diggy, even if he has us shaking our heads many days. :)



Carter. 3 1/2. Also known to everyone we see as "the scowler". It is perplexing to me how a boy who smiled like CRAZY as an infant, has turned into a prickly little guy who is selective about who he lets in. There are those he loves and he runs to them, snuggles them, laughs with them. And everyone else is chopped liver in his book. I am constantly tying to reassure people (extended family members included) that he is REALLY a hilarious little boy who is so much fun to be around, and loves bigger than many kids--But he doesn't let that side show to just anyone. His nightly routine has gone from songs with mom to watching a song on my phone from the movie Frozen. He LOVES that movie something fierce. And if we ever can't find him around the house, we KNOW he has escaped to our bedroom and is sneaking in a game of Minion Rush on my Kindle. He knows his way around electronics, which just amazes me.

He had a hard transition to Sunbeams (the next class up at church) but I think that almost 2 months in, he is starting to take to his new surroundings. Carter is such a sweet, thoughtful boy. He is very much like Kaden when it comes to emotion--he picks up on when things aren't right and it really shakes him if someone is upset or I am crying. He is always the one to come hug me or Brandon and say "Thank you for make dinner"...that's his go to line after any meal, regardless of who made it. And dang it, it's so cute! :)

Closed Doors

(Image from google)

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths.”

There once was a couple who was walking the path of life with their family in tow. They knew how life worked--that it is a twisty, winding path that brings you to little towns filled with buildings of opportunity. And each place has doors and windows to guide you through. Sometimes they are stuck. They don't budge. Other times the doors open freely, and you know it's right. And sometimes when no door works, a small window does. It takes some work, but you manage to hoist yourself up and climb in there, revealing the right place to be.

This couple had walked for a long while...they came upon the outskirts of this new town that they had to pass through before they could continue on their journey and immediately went to work, trying every door and window they could. There were doors that opened, sure. But they ended up being closets, or just led to another door that led to another door that took them right back outside, surrounded by more and more buildings of opportunity. Sometimes there were people standing outside the doors, beckoning them to "try here!" but something seemed amiss and they avoided those doors all together.

They grew weary. This town was much bigger than they had been through before. The buildings seemed to tower and the task grew daunting. They prayed. They fasted. They prayed some more. They worked. They walked flights of stairs, for it seemed the elevators were always broken when it was their turn to search the next building. They put some real muscle and effort into trying to find the right door to open.

And then one day, amid the confusing maze before them, the clouds broke and the light seemed to beam from a particular building of opportunity. There was rejoicing. They picked up everything they had left in them and hurried toward it. And while it wasn't marked bold, the building had traces of their name scribbled on the outside. It was as if God led them specifically to that building that seemed so right for them. They stood outside the front door and nervously looked at each other. But they took a deep breath and turned the knob, expecting the worst.

To their amazement, the knob turned and the door swung open. Inside was a beautiful entry room filled with pictures of their life that was more than they could have ever hoped for. The couple hugged, laughed, cried together. They rejoiced. They feared getting too caught up because they knew they weren't completely IN, but they felt a renewed hope that God had heard their prayers and knew them specifically.

Their families rejoiced. They shared their excitement with a few friends, and they continued to seek for the next open door to take them through to finish line, anxious to get there and find rest. Unlike other buildings this one was filled with tiny doors to try. It pushed them to stretch and mold themselves in ways they didn't think they could, but the doors were there and after some work, opened. The couple found that as they prayed and sought direction, they were able to fit through every single tiny door, that led to an even more amazing room than the fist.

And then it happened. They found themselves in the final room. There were 2 doors. One was labeled yes. The other was no. They were anxious. Their families and the many others who had prayed and fasted for them were anxious. They stood at the door of yes and turned the knob. It seemed like so many windows and doors had opened that this one just HAD to. This HAD to be the right place for their opportunity. The door slowly opened a crack and the couple was so thrilled. This opportunity was everything and more than they could have hoped for. But suddenly, as though a gusty wind came through, the door slammed.

The knob didn't budge.

The door marked NO creaked open without even being tried, and revealed a big daunting city with a million more doors to try, and more work to do.

Bewildered. Confused. Sad. Heartbroken. Uncertain. The couple wrapped their family in their arms and had to walk away...looking for the next building of opportunity and open door. They know it will work out. They know they will find the right door. They trust that somehow God has a better opportunity in store. But it is sure hard to leave that closed door behind.