Dear Somebody...

Dear Massage place,

I am ever so grateful for the gift certificate I was given to come there, and for the chance to finally use it 11 months after being gifted it...I am actually even grateful that your massage therapist was running 45 minutes late and she massaged me for longer than agreed upon to make up for it and THEN you called me to apologize for her tardiness and offered me another massage to compensate. I felt like I won the lottery.

Thank you,
Relaxed mama-to-be who was totally zen today

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Dear large house on the corner 3 doors down that just foreclosed,

Please have a lot wrong with you...or be completely undesirable...so that you are not my top competition when I list my house in a month. You have me shaking in my boots, and I hope it's for no good reason.

Regards,
First time home owner who is completely terrified to sell her house

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Dear Corn Chowder,
YOU. WERE. DELISH. You were the meal like the loaves and fishes in the bible...After feeding everyone, I still put almost an entire pot away in the fridge. I've had you for breakfast, lunch, dinner sporadically over the past few days. You have been comfort for this soul in many ways! ;)

Don't know what I did to make you so awesome, but YUM.
Yours truly,
me
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Dear Dr. you-know-who at the job we really want,

Please decide who you're going to hire. Soon. The suspense is killing us (and the rest of our families who are dying to know). We love your practice and think your area rocks, and we want to be there forever and ever.

Sincerely,
The wife of the foot doc who wants to work with you

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Dear kind shopper at Walmart,

When you overheard me tell my son I didn't have money to buy the plastic Mickey Mouse head with cheese, pretzels, and apples it was not because I didn't really HAVE the money, it was because I chose not to have the money to pay for overpriced pretzels, cheese, and apples...all things we already have at home. I do appreciate your kind gesture to buy it for my son anyway, because it was "healthy" and he needed it. ;)

Sincerely,
a mama who is trying not to give in to every frivolous want.

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Dear Amazing friends...
I feel incredibly blessed...for advice, for homemade muffins, for beautiful flowers, for notes of encouragement.
Even at my worst, you made me feel my best.
Thank you...for inspiring me to be a better friend and making me realize how much I really have.

Sincerely,
Rachel
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Dear laundry,

You multiply worse than bunnies and stuffed animals. I do not know how there is so much of you all. the. time. Even after limiting each kid to 7 outfits, period. It is a mystery that I shall not ever understand.

Sincerely,
tired of folding, in Texas.
p.s. please stop eating socks. You're making me cRaZy.


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Dear hair stylist at the salon,

When I bring my boys in to you and ask you for a nice, clean cut, boys haircut that they can comb to the side, I do not understand why you then proceed to ask my how I want it cut--if I knew what size clipper to use to make it look best and where I wanted scissors used, I would do it myself. And when I DO tell you I want it shorter, you disagree and ignore me anyway. So....ya. Just not really sure what the eye rolling and ignoring me does to make the haircut better. I really pay you way too much for what you attempt to do and I leave wondering why I go ever time I have to take them in.

Signed,
Frustrated mom to boys who want more than a buzz

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Dear Mother Nature,
SEEEEERIOUSLY recommend you get that mood swing under control. This weather has been insane...snowing one day, shorts the next, then back to mittens and delayed school starts, and then tomorrow it says Sunny and a warm 71. What? Pick one...and stick to it. Please. :)

Sincerely,
Spoiled by normally nice Texas winters

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Dear Thursday,

You're treating me much nicer than Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I appreciate the nap you gave both me and Carter, the relaxing time at the Spa, and the bag of Skittles I really should not have opened. But yum.

Yours truly,
Rough week Rachel

I'm just gonna blame this one on the hormones...

But dang it, tonight I am just sad.

I surprised my kids with hot cocoa at breakfast. They were shocked, and so excited. It was a blustery morning and hot cocoa was good for the soul...

I baked cupcakes during the day--every single kid asked me at different times why on earth I made them. I clearly haven't baked enough lately. Someone even asked if it was a birthday. I let them have one for an after school snack. Jenna said they were the 2nd best cupcakes that she had tasted in her 9 years of life. I am still not clear as to which was the BEST--but a close 2nd sounds good to me. :) So we had another for a Family Night treat.

I made up a warm batch of corn chowder and hot bread for dinner. It was oh, so good. Perfect way to end a chilly day.

All day I've tried to keep my mind elsewhere--occupied. Knowing Brandon was in an interview and things were taking place that may or may not shape our future, was nerve wracking. I gnawed on my nails and then ate a few cupcakes. Actual number need not be disclosed.

The came the phone call. The update from the day. The feedback that things went well, but that they aren't able to decide yet. It's a story we have heard before. Dang it, I hate that story. Everything in me wants to take control of the situation and jump on things in any way possible to be proactive. But that's not always the way things need done. And it is incredibly hard for me to sit back and let things just be. This is Brandon's ship to sail...and he knows what is best.

All this talk of patience and waiting for the Lord's timing and feeling peace--it was all real. But tonight I am just feeling weary. I am tired of feeling letdown, not because we were told no, but because we were told to wait. And I am anxious. Anxious that the pieces to the 2 jobs in play may somehow not work out at all--and then what? It was all hypothetical until now, when it suddenly became real.

So tonight, I am just sad. I am sad my husband's flight was canceled and he won't be back till very late tomorrow. I am sad that there is unknown and I have no control over how to deal with it, and no way to know when we will have any inkling of an idea what the future holds. I'm sad that I probably ate a cupcake or two too many...I am sad at all the silliest things that only a pregnant person under extreme stress would be sad at. There is really no real explanation for why my eyes are shedding a billion tears tonight...

I'm just going to blame this on the hormones...

Time flies...

It is so hard to believe...

That Christmas was a month ago.

That we're nearing the end of January.

That Brandon leaves tomorrow to fly out to another interview.

That I have cruised past the 25 week mark in my pregnancy. What???

That it's already time for another doctor appointment. Blah.

That my birthday is already showing up on expiration dates stamped on packages around the house.

That we put our house on the market in just over a month. Trying not to hyperventilate here.

That it's 2014. Aren't we supposed to be driving flying cars by now?

Many days it feels time just completely flies by. The weeks are a blur. And yet some days feel like they stand still. Time is funny. It's complex. And it seems to be going at lightening speed.

The kids seem so much bigger than they were in our summer pictures, the gray hair seems to pop up faster than it ever did before, and dates and events we never thought would happen are suddenly just around the corner.

They say time flies when you're having fun. But I think regardless of the time you're having, the older you get, the faster time flies.

Life Support

(Image from here)


I've spent the past few weeks trying to update things of the past. Partly to get caught up, and partly to avoid writing about the elephant in the room, so to speak--the big job hunt. It is the question on everyone's mind. It is inquired about nearly every phone call we make, or person we run into. And it's fine--I promise. I just wish I had more news to tell. :)

I wrote my last post about peace. I still feel that peace. Somehow, some way, I feel it. And yet I had a moment today where I was cleaning out the closet and packing boxes in preparation to sell our house to make a move that will happen 4-5 months from now to an unknown location, and suddenly my mind was filled with the how's and what's and all the hypothetical could-be's of the unknown we are facing. My heart felt so heavy, and the weight of the world seemed to weigh down on my chest, almost making it difficult to breathe.

I do not doubt, there is a plan in the works. I know Heavenly Father is working things out in His time and in His way, and that ultimately we will be able to look back and see how amazing everything was that unfolded at just the right times. But often, in the middle of a trial of faith, it can be difficult to understand why setbacks happen.

I realized today just how much I have been carried lately. The prayers and fasting for our family from numerous people has truly been a saving grace. There were many times in the past several months where I could hardly function because I was so caught up in the anxiety of things--where I would crumple up in a ball and just sob. I know this may sound so silly to someone on the outside. But Brandon has spent months and months applying to what felt like every job out there. We have both sent letters approaching different offices and hospital systems inquiring if there was ANYTHING, we spent money to send things certified mail, we followed every single lead and prompting that came. But nothing ever was right...yet. And all the while we have watched friends and acquaintances land golden jobs, seemingly flawlessly. My love and admiration for Brandon has increased ten fold. He is talented, qualified, and he has so much to offer. And I know he is giving his all and carrying a heavy load, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I often feel so helpless--knowing there is not any physical thing I can do to ease this burden or change this situation. Just prayer and love.

 The moments today, of facing all the what-if's and why's by myself and trying to make sense of things in my human mind, made me feel like I was trying to go off life support before I was ready. I can say, without any question, that prayer has been the driving force to keep my body and spirit going strong over the past several weeks.

For those who have prayed and fasted and thought of us during this time...thank you. We feel your thoughts and prayers. They have carried me through what could have been many dark hours. I have been granted an overwhelming amount of peace, for which I feel incredibly grateful. The moments are still up and down. The job situation is still unknown. And it seems as though we continue to take one step forward and start to feel the momentum of hope, only to stumble back 2 steps with the realization that the timing of things isn't right and we are left waiting, waiting, waiting some more. But we have felt, and know deep down, it will all be okay.

One other thing I have felt as I have sensed so deeply the power of prayer, is that the strength I have been given to keep going has had me turning to sincere prayer for the many others we know who are facing difficult situations right now. And that heartfelt prayer for others has lifted my spirits and helped me see my problems are small and but for only a moment. I hope my prayers are somehow lifting another and easing their burdens even a little. Prayer truly does make the world go round.

I am grateful for that sense of life support. I am grateful for the prayers that have kept our bodies going when life feels like we no longer can and gave us a renewed sense of hope that things truly will work out. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who is aware of our struggles and hears our cries, and who I can feel is very much in the details of our life.


(I have watched this video many times to get me through the days...it shares a beautiful message)

Peace...sweet peace.

It is so hard to believe that a new year is already in full swing. I am fairly certain I wrote a check today that said 2013. Oops. Time flies--

Today has been a beautiful day for reflection. There is much uncertainty ahead of us...this year especially. And for a long while I have felt that turmoil. I have carried that load of frustration and anxiety. All the while, praying that somehow things would make sense. And today, months and months after beginning this whole job hunt / rough pregnancy / anxiety about selling our house and moving and not knowing where we will HAVE a job, etc...It is as though I have finally realized that I don't have to carry this load any more. The stresses may exist, but they are not mine to worry solely about. I have finally been able to turn this situation over to the Lord. And I feel peace.

Peace. Absolute peace.

I had felt for so long that we were doing our part and eventually the Lord would do His. That somehow things would come together. But after inspired words from my dad, and a lot of studying on my own and conversation with Brandon, today I have found that pure peace that comes with knowing that there isn't a "your part, my part" scenario--but that as we were doing what we were prompted to do, we were pulling the heavy load with the Savior right beside us all along. And things WILL work out--because we are on the same team.

I have thought so much about how easy it is to get caught up in living for the next chapter of life--somehow that perfectly packaged plan looks so much more appealing than the trials and struggles of the current life that we are usually in. But as I prepared my lesson for Relief Society today, I was reminded that we have the opportunity to choose happiness now, in whatever our circumstance. I decided that this year I just wanted to focus on gratitude and finding the good around me. One little thing, each day, regardless of how rough the day seemed.

In a talk by Elder Uchtdorf, he speaks about letting ourselves be happy now. One of my favorite things was this quote:

“No matter our circumstances, no matter our challenges or trials, there is something in each day to embrace and cherish. There is something in each day that can bring gratitude and joy if only we will see and appreciate it. Perhaps we should be looking less with our eyes and more with our hearts.”

We shouldn’t wait to be happy until we reach some future point, only to discover that happiness was already available—all the time! Life is not meant to be appreciated only in retrospect. “This is the day which the Lord hath made … ,” the Psalmist wrote. “Rejoice and be glad in it.”⁶

(the whole talk is an excellent read, and I highly encourage you to check it out! http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/of-regrets-and-resolutions?lang=eng

These are things I know--I have heard them before. It wasn't some groundbreaking information that rocked my world. But it was a sweet, peaceful spirit that whispered that this was the reminder I need. That the good I have been looking for and waiting for is here, right here, right now even in the midst of the stress of uncertainty.

Brandon interviews at a potential job this week. It is one that has been a miracle to even come about and we have spent many conversations excitedly discussing the prospect of living and working there. We do not know if things will work out in our favor for that particular job. But we have prayed and fasted that the right thing will come to be. Today, as I was sitting in church singing the hymn, I could not get the last line of the song out of my lips--my eyes were filled with too many tears. The words felt like such a sweet testimony and reassurance...

This fast, dear Father, sanctify--

Our faith and trust in thee increase.

As we commune and testify,

May we be filled with joy and peace.

I knew then, and I know now, that we are in His watchful care. I have been filled with that sweet peace and a tremendous joy, regardless of the outcome of this interview. I could not have said that same thing a few weeks ago. But I am grateful for growth, and for a loving Father in Heaven who understands us more than we understand and know ourselves, and will show us the very things we need to learn and know at the perfect time, after we have done all we can in faith.