It's raining, it's pouring--and no kids are snoring!

Saturday morning was one of the best we've had in a long, long time...

I woke up an hour later than usual {insert angels singing} next to Brandon...which hasn't happened in...I can't even remember how long. Eventually we heard little voices coming from outside, and went in the back yard to discover the kids were awake and dressed and just playing in our Texas downpour.

They. were. soaked.

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Carter is at a funny stage...it's the "if you get the camera out I want to come see behind it too!" 

So there are not a lot of distant pictures of this little monkey. :) 

Spencer found an old jacket that says 2T. He thinks it fits perfect. And it does...as a short sleeve jacket. lol

So grateful for the rain right now...

for sleeping in, for a morning off, for a big plate of amazing hash browns and eggs and getting cozy inside while the storm raged on outside.

It was a wonderful, wonderful morning.

Dear Life...

You go so quickly, and then sometimes you can't go fast enough.

How is that possible?

Dear Blog,

I've neglected you. I know. I miss you. I came to a point I had to choose between updating you constantly and spending my time with other important things and people. But I long to visit here more often. And yet, I feel more and more protective of the things I will tell you. There are good people in the world. But cruel ones too. And sometimes they are the people you think you are closest too. And that stings. But I do want to visit here more. I want to post pictures and memories and silly stories about life and all that's going on. And I want to have a place to look back and reflect on how we lived and loved and survived. :) I'll visit more frequently...promise.

Signed,

The writer

Dear kids,

Sunday afternoon you usually play like a dream. You laugh and share and are generally pretty kind to each other. I love these moments. And I wouldn't mind if you would copy this behavior Monday - Friday between the hours of 4 p.m. and 7:30 p.m.

Sincerely, 

Tired of fighting

p.s. every time I have you figured out, you go and change something and I have to start all over. Are you sure you didn't come with instruction manuals? :)

Dear Carter,

When did you grow up? And how did you get so big? And why do you make the CUTEST sound when you smack your lips? It makes me want to pinch your cheeks and gobble you up. And while that sounds slightly creepy, I promise I say it out of lots of love! :)

Love,

mommy

Dear Jenna,

The purse you picked up at the garage sale? Ya. The one you wear everywhere...that's the one. I love how proud you are of that thing. I loved watching you bargain with them and walking away with it for .50 and the biggest smile ever. I love how you fit your scripture bag INSIDE that bag.

What I don't love? That it somehow makes you look older...more grown up...and it reminds me that time is passing so quickly and you're not so much a little girl anymore.

Love,

The mom who believes you will be young forever

Dear September,

You started out with hope and a clean slate. Breath of fresh air, I tell ya! All those freshly sharpened pencils and wrinkle free papers just made my heart sing! You brought me several hours of quiet each day while the kids are at school at Carter naps, and it has been really nice.

But you've also been long--really long. You've hardly let me spend any time with my husband, you brought me many tears and a big ol' case of the blues along with insecurities and self-doubt. You also brought us the "opportunity" to adjust to new schedules and routines with the kids, and you are stealing the leaves from my Crepe Myrtle and throwing them about my somewhat dead-looking lawn. 

And I am so through with you.

Please send October promptly.

Thank you,

girl who is ready for a change

Dear people around me...

Please accept my deepest apologies for my frequent emotional breakdowns this month. I assure you a more stable person does exist somewhere inside of me and will emerge soon, after a new rotation month starts and my hubby and I can possibly fit in a date night.. :)  I hope you know that if you needed anything, I would move heaven and earth to make it happen. I hate feeling the loneliness that comes with having somehow given off the impression that I 1-have too much going on and am overwhelmed with it 2-am not interested in being social  3-am not willing to babysit, bring meals, give rides...whatever!

All of that is completely false. 

Call me. Text me. Email me. You name it, I'll do it.

Sincerely,

wanting to be a friend

Dear Cream of Wheat makers...

I accidentally bought your Cinnabon version of hot cereal. I was convinced it was a total rotten mistake when I got it home, until I had a bowl. I've eaten it almost every morning now and just ran out...I would make a special trip to the store just to restock.

It's so yummy...

Signed,

Breakfast lover

Dear Weight Watchers,

I am so grateful for the life you have allowed me to live. I love having the tools I need to pull in the reigns when I start to go of course. I love being aware, and knowing that when a few pounds were packed on, I knew what it would take to get them back off. I love having a plan...goal...and lifestyle instead of some fad crash diet. And I especially love that you tell me how I can fit ice cream in my day and still lose weight.

I just love everything about you.

Signed,

your #1 fan

Dear Self,

Be patient. Just know the bad days won't last forever, the good days will go all too soon, and that life is one great big learning curve. It's not about being the perfect person with the perfect house--you know you're SO far from that. But it IS about doing your best...not compared to anyone else, but yourself and where you've been. I am proud of you. I don't say it often--I'm not sure why I hold back so much. Human nature, I suppose. But I am proud...proud that you're trying. And I know you've felt lately like you're missing a piece of yourself--that you don't quite understand who you are anymore. I get that.  But I know you're still there...the fun-loving, free-spirited, creative, funny girl is in there. Just give it time, and prayer, and believe...she will come back. I know it.

Love,

the person in the mirror

Tales from the scales

I started an 8 week challenge to get back to health and lose the couple of pounds that managed to attach themselves to my thighs and hips this summer. Each week there is a different goal to accomplish...yes, I am doing this chore chart style with little stars to boot. :) What can I say? I am a girl who likes 1-rewards and 2-gratification in seeing what I have accomplished. It really motivates me and keeps me on track.

So this week is week 3. And my goal this week was to meditate or journal write in the morning and evening. Nothing to do with weight loss, right? :) I have to say--when I was losing my initial 69 pounds, I was SO DRIVEN by the fact that I would check in on the blog each week and journal my experiences, my successes, my failures...I really loved that. And I really love looking back and reading it now when I am struggling to make choices my mind wants to but my body doesn't. :)

And so, I am using this time to try to get back to where I feel healthy and strong.

Why the blog? I realize I could put this in a journal and tuck it nicely in my nightstand drawer. But here feels right...here feels like finally facing the fear of the reality of what is.

So here goes.

I lost 69 pounds. And I was a poster child for continuing on forever and ever and never faltering. I was SO dedicated and strong and had incredible willpower.

And then we moved.

And life kind of crumbled down. I stopped tracking. We ate things on the run--pizza, fast food, garbage I had not really had any interest in while losing weight. And I didn't gain. I actually kept losing. And I got comfy, eating my terrible comfort food and still losing weight by some lucky miracle.

But one day, I woke up. And the scale was up a few pounds. Not much. maybe 2. And it made me mad. But I had lost my grip on my healthy habits and turned to food to make it better. Fairly certain that was the day I ate half a batch of no-bake cookies. And I started to get comfy 2 pounds higher. I was still well within my healthy weight range. There was no harm. This was just my new weight, I told myself.

And then time passed.

And 2 pounds turned into 4 pounds. And 4 pounds into 6. And my clothes felt tighter. I felt bloated. And yucky. And while 6 pounds doesn't seem like much, it seems to fill out in ways that it might as well be 15!

The justifications continued. on and on. But then I saw myself in a picture. And I noticed my flabby arms...because it's true, they hadn't seen an arm exercise for months. And I noticed I wasn't carrying myself the way I did when I first reached my goal. I noticed that little piece of me was missing.

And it made me so sad...
All that hard work...that happiness and healthiness and good I found in life, and I was throwing it away because of excuses and justifications.

So I started this challenge. I started out exercising 20 minutes each day. Not much. But walking the neighborhood with Carter in his stroller felt good...familiar even. And then last week I started tracking again. I am not going to lie. There were days I wanted to say, "you know what? I am just going to not worry about it and start tomorrow." But I smacked myself in the face and refused to let one more excuse get in the way. If I was going to bite it, I was going to write it. And I did.

One week of that...and I felt that little sense of pride again. I have tracked strong this week too--and it feels good.

My point in this post actually isn't to pat myself on the back for tracking (though I am definitely giving myself a gold star! :) It's to say that I noticed something today as I have been going about getting things done.

The weeks I have had control over my eating, I have had more control over my life. (emphasis on MORE...not total :) I have made more efforts to cook a healthy meal each night. My kitchen has been cleaner than normal. The laundry washed on time--not necessarily FOLDED, but washed! We've got to start somewhere. :) My car has stayed cleaned out. I've been able to mentally prioritize things that HAVE to get done. And biggest of all, I have realized that my mind and soul are finally in tune to what it is going to take to really put all our efforts into getting out of debt. I realize to the passerby this is not a big deal. But we have paid a heavy price for financial mistakes over the years, and we have worked hard to pay things off. But this week I had a realization--that the more in control I am of the things that go IN my body, the more in control I will be with the things I DO. I feel a renewed sense of energy and excitement to sit down and figure out where we can cut things out of our budget, and facing truths I didn't want to see.

It's refreshing to feel like I am starting over with several things. Feeling like I can tackle life again and deal with things head on...and who would have guessed it would start by writing what I ate? :)

READY for school!

It's TIIIIIIME!

School is back in session and we did our commemorative back to school pics.

They were all so excited...woke up before we went in to get them in the morning and raced to get ready.

Poor Carter was so sad to see them go. I tried to keep him out of the picture, but he just kept wandering back there trying to get in with the big kids. 

I expected this to be a sappy, emotional back to school post. And in some ways I feel like a terrible mom that it won't be. But the truth is, this day was SO welcomed! It was an extremely long summer for me--I babysat often, we had errands and appointments and Brandon working long hours...my Grandpa passed away, and life was thrown at us, and I was hauling 4 kids shopping (which is not even remotely my idea of a good time) and we were lacking routine and organization.

And I was d.o.n.e. EXHAUSTED. Needing a change.

So school starting felt like a breath of fresh air.

A chance to start over. To get back to routine. To feel some calm and peace.

So for the first year ever, I didn't sit there bawling as I drove away. Nope, I put the kids on the bus, felt that little bubble of emotion, and then remembered that I could go get groceries with 1 kid that day, and have 3 hours of quiet time during Carter's nap, and make a real dinner without people climbing all over me or whining about who hit who or why they have to pick up something they "didn't get out"...

and any sadness kind of melted away.

Love these munchkins. I do. I love that they are growing up and becoming independent people. I love seeing their personalities. I love their excitement to learn. I love that I feel like a better mom when they come back to me each afternoon.

And I LOVE that school's BACK in session! :)

The dumping ground...

I tried really hard to compress 3 weeks of memories into a few small posts.

That's tough, ya know.

And yet I have had thoughts and feelings running through my mind as I wrote up my fluffy vacation recap.

So this is my official get it all out post so I can wrap up our trip pictures and move on to updating the life that is going on right now! :)

In no particular order...here goes.

***This trip was exhausting. Truly. When we got home and people asked how fun it was and waited with excited anticipation for a response, I honestly had a hard time coming up with a sugar coated answer. :) Was it a fun trip? Yes! But I also drove a ton, on extremely little sleep (thanks to a little man who refused to sleep in anything that wasn't my bed, and picked up a nightly routine of waking at 11 p.m. and spending the next 3-4 hours putting his feet, hands, face all over my feet, hands, face.) It was exhausting because I had 4 kids for much of it alone. It is really tough to be the single parent ANYWAY, but taking the show on the road solo is really, really hard (for me!). Add to that the fact that we were moving on to another house every 3-4 days...man, oh man...So while it isn't that I didn't have a good time, my body was practically SCREAMING at me when we got home that it just needed 2 seconds to sit and think in peace and quiet without kids, and a good 8 hours of sleep, and to not sit in a car for a couple of months. :)

***There is a difference between VACATION and a TRIP.

This was a trip. Period. :)

***We love Idaho. We often talk about where we will end up. And I know Brandon has such desires to move back to Idaho, but we also know that may not be in the cards for us. But I like hearing him talk about how it would be if that DID happen. :) I loved being back in Idaho--even though the swimming water is cold, and the nights got so cool that it game me goosebumps and I needed an extra blanket some nights. I love the back roads, the farm sprinklers, the mountains. There is such a sense of familiarity there. (and the soft grass made me want to do cartwheels and happy dances all over the place!)

***I had such intentions to stay on track and eat so healthy when we were traveling. We pre-portioned snacks and brought lots of fruit and vegetables. And on day 2, when the DVD players were broken and the kids were driving me nuts and I had realized I left home without my credit card...well, some situations require a bag of Twizzlers and ice cream for dinner. That was one of them. And I realized then, I could set myself up for major failure and beat myself up for every bad thing I chose, or I could tell myself then that it was more important to stay SANE and awake than to eat carrots the whole way. :)

That being said, the thought of junk food gives me the heebie-jeebies right now. :)

***As I look through the pictures, my shirt choice is on repeat. Granted, I only packed 4 shirts or so. But it makes me laugh as I go through..."ah, the red one! And the blue stripes...and the turquoise, and the pink..." same darn shirts over and over! :) I also have SUPER squinty eyes in pictures (which probably means in real life too)...what's up with that? 

***My kids are pretty good travelers. You're probably thinking, "WHAAAAAA? But you just said they were terrors!" That particular day WAS pretty rough. But in general, I think they travel a-okay. We've kind of gotten a system worked out--we stop and get out for breakfast lunch and dinner. We try to make those our potty/get gas/eat food/get out and stretch times. And the kids are really good about making it that long--well, half the kids (since Jenna can hold it if need be, and Carter wears a diaper. As for the others? We keep an empty water bottle on hand. lol. Anything to keep on truckin'!) But overall, they were troopers. Did some workbooks, watched movies, talked...slept.

***As hard as it is to drive on and on and on over the miles, knowing there are more and more ahead, it was so nice to just have Brandon to talk with on the way home. So often it feels we get 20 minutes at night when neither of us are thinking straight, and it was pretty fantastic to know I had his full, undivided attention for 25 hours. :)

***There's no place like home...in both senses of the word. Home as in being with family, seeing cousins and aunts and uncles, and the place where life feels full and rich and a big ball of stress all at the same time. And home as in the place where my weeds grew tall for 3 weeks and my mail stacked up. Where we have our own schedule and meals and separate bed for my mini Spiderman sleeper. Home is being back to a routine and dealing with each day as it comes...and being so satisfied to be back in your own space, and yet longing for that place other place where life is fulfilling and memories are rich and you're surrounded by all the people who make the home away from home a special place to go.

My Special Day--by Jenna Holloway

Jenna asked to share about her special day...so I will turn this post over to her!

I am Jenna Holloway. I was baptized with my cousin Anthony.

I was a little nervous. But I was excited too.

The water was warm.

I was confirmed a member church I was happy. My family  my grandparents my aunts

and uncles and my cousins were proud of me.

***back to mom...
It really was a wonderful day. A busy one. But a wonderful one.
We had lots of family, from both sides, who were able to attend--about 75 in all--and it was a great chance to be together and share a special day!
We followed the baptism with a barbecue style potluck--which had loads of yummy stuff. :) And in between serving people and cleaning up, we ran outside to snap a few pictures.

I hope my girl always remembers this day...
I hope she remembers the special promises she made. I hope she remembers the special spirit she felt.
And I hope she remembers what this means in the big picture of eternity.
But I have to say that listening to her talk, and share her testimony, and seeing the beautiful spirit radiates in her,
I have a feeling she will...

A grandma is a mom with extra frosting.

And I've got 2 of 'em! :)

We were able to spend a bit of time at the family reunion around Grandma Danes, but stopped by before we left town to say goodbye.


Grandma's house to me is lots of sewing...always homemade quilts and antique furniture. It's a house full of people, sweet treats, and canning jars. It's music and Rummikub and her silly pug, Muffin. :) It was eating a meatloaf sandwich for the first time, the perfect fried egg, and right now, it's different...adjusting to life without Grandpa there. But I love the memories that have been made and the love Grandma shows each time we visit...

Thankfully, my Grandma Lorraine lives only about 20 minutes away and we were able to visit for an afternoon. Grandma Lorraine has 3 scooter carts and this is the BIG WINNER with the kids when we go visit. The kids LOVED going for rides on them. And I am sure we were quite the sight...3 groups of full carts with multiple people, heading around the block.



Spencer just draped himself over Grandma Lorraine and was on his merry way. lol. Not sure exactly HOW he stayed up. :) Guess we should thank Grandma's great grip!








Grandma's house is a great backyard, electric carts to ride, and a quiet peace inside. It is puzzles and chimes from the Grandfather clock and crafts from over the years. It's Boise State memorabilia, crossword puzzles, and Orange push-ems from the Shwan's man.( Always a favorite of mine! )


\





Sure do love these 2 women and all I have learned from them...I am blessed. SO BLESSED to have them in my life.

Once upon a time...Spencer turned 5

I fear that Spencer will feel slighted for not getting birthday pictures like the other kids. But we were traveling (me alone with the kids, might I add) on his birthday, and here I am weeks later barely getting pictures posted! So this year, this is going to just have to do...

We had a yummy lunch at Chili's for his birthday, where he got his free (and delicious) birthday dessert!


After lunch, we went to Build-a-Bear. This was the ONE and only thing he wanted...and it was the ONE and only thing he got...He fell in love with Alvin (from Alvin and the Chipmunks) when he saw me looking through the clearance page online a few weeks back. So I ordered it and had it sent unstuffed so we could go to the store together.

He was very excited to tell the friendly employee that it was his birthday and his name, and all about Alvin. :)


She helped him get LOTS and lots of love stuffed into Alvin...



And then he was ready for a final cleaning and to get his birth certificate.


I wish I had more pictures from there...I was a little distracted by my 8 year old throwing a gigantic tantrum all over the store. oooooh my goodness. It was humiliating. {shudder} So, needless to say, my pictures are scarce, but he had a great time and LOVES his Alvin.



And while it's not a cutesy, fun scrapbook-like page for his birthday this year, I want him to know I love him..and not feel completely neglected in the birthday department. :)

So...

Dear Spencer,

2 years now we have been traveling on your birthday. You've not complained about the fact that you don't get a real birthday party, or lots of presents to open, or a candle to blow out. You just roll with it. And I hope you know I appreciate that. :) It helps put the mom-guilt to the side and just enjoy spending those moments on the road with you.

At 5, you love strawberries, the color yellow, and Alvin. Lots. You could build with Lego's for hours, and watch Phineas and Ferb for just as long. You are my LONGEST sleeper...You usually fall asleep first and get up only when someone wakes you. You just can't get enough of it!

And at 5, because you're so laid back about life in general, we often have to ask you to do things over and over and over. I am pretty sure if we didn't set a time limit on you getting ready for the day, you'd sit naked on your bed for hours! :) Life just goes at your own pace. I have to admit, I was nervous about sending you to kindergarten, since you're going to be one of the youngest 5's in your grade. But you've also proven that despite your desire to not do much of anything some days, you are REALLY smart and love to learn!

You're a great friend...and one of the things daddy and I have noticed is that you LOVE making people laugh. You are constantly doing funny tricks or saying silly things to get a reaction from people. And that great smile of yours is absolutely contagious!

We love you being in our family Spencer. We love the wonderful, silly times we have with you. And I love the times you ask me to snuggle next to you in bed and sing...you're growing up, I can see that. But I love to still see that you still need your mom and dad once in a while.

I love you little man. Happy (very belated) birthday...
Love, mom

Reunion-ing...

For the first time in YEARS I was able to attend the family reunion on my mom's side of the family. I haven't seen many of my cousins forever, it feels. Last time I did, many of them who are now grown and have kids were kids themselves. So it was really exciting to see where others are at and how their famlies are.

We had our reunion at Eagle Island State Park near Boise. It was an awesome place and everyone had a great time! Lots of game playing, sleeping, eating, beach time, riding the slide, swimming,..and well, I took a lot of time photographing. Ironically enough, I got only a couple pictures of my kids and a couple hundred of everyone else. But for the sake of the post, I will limit it here... :)

We had our traditional family auction, and I told my kids they could not get any stuffed animals--since they apparently possess rabbit-like abilities to multiply without end! :) So while I was busy doing other things, Jenna bid on and won this little gem, which she happily announced was NOT a stuffed animal...on which she   proudly hangs her jewelry on the antlers. Oh, this makes me laugh.

Did I mention there was sleeping? Lots and lots of sleeping. :)