The way I feel.

I have thought many times that I want to write...but then I somehow feel guilty that I haven't updated the summer stuff yet, and then it feels overwhelming to sort through pictures and remember everything, so I don't write anything...

It's just a vicious cycle that must stop. :)

So...I included the picture for interest's sake, and because I promised last post I wouldn't write again without one. The rest might not be interesting, but this is my journal as much as it will be, so here goes....

I FEEL THANKFUL...

for the people who have offered to take Carter for a bit to play, or brought me meals, or picked up medicine for me, or brought over funny videos to help make things better. I hate accepting help like this..I hate not being able to do for myself. But I am SO incredibly grateful for them. And I am SOOOO looking forward to feeling like I can do the same for people in return. 

I FEEL INDECISIVE...

My bathroom is still not decorated--I have about 10 pieces of decor and no idea which way to go with them. It is making me nuts...I just want my bathroom and bedroom to be finished. Done. Ready to enjoy for a few months before we list our house...

which brings me to...

I FEEL ANXIOUS...

About selling our house. About the fact that every dang builder whose throwing together subdivisions around our house now, are offering way more than even our upgraded house can offer. It's disheartening...and frustrating.
About Brandon finding a job. About where it will be. Wanting for him to find a place that's a great fit for him long term...Knowing it really will all work out but just not knowing when or how...it's all a little unsettling. And yet there is peace. I know we will not be left alone...

I FEEL GOOD...

It's been a while since I started this post. So a few weeks later, I am actually starting to feel good. Still some nauseous times, but for the most part I have been able to get myself out of the house and doing things. That's a nice feeling. I was seriously fearful that I would not get past the yuckiness, it hit with such force. But somehow I'm starting to get to the good part.

I FEEL EXCITED...

I have a doctor appointment tomorrow. I am so excited--I think. :) It's always in the back of my mind that something could be wrong...so I am excited to hopefully hear a heartbeat and know things are on track still. I'm SUPER excited to know what we're having--though it's still several weeks off. The suspense is making me crazy. SO, SO excited to find out. I've been really trying to tell myself it will be a boy. It very well may, based on our track record. But it would make having a girl that much more exciting, if it worked that way. We will see...It's been funny this time around. In many ways it feels like a first pregnancy. And yet, we've not given any real thought to names yet--whereas with our first I am pretty sure we had our boy and girl pick well before I ever was able to find out what I was having. I think we will just tackle that topic when we find out what we're having.

I FEEL CLOSURE...

I wanted and waited for a billboard answer to really know I was done having babies. I never got that. And I never had a medical reason to have to be done. It just felt like an open ended story and it was unsettling, even though I had adjusted to life with 4 and accepted that would probably be it. But this pregnancy has been the flashing light answer I needed. This is absolutely it. I feel it. I will embrace it. This is the close of this chapter of pregnancy and babies and diapers for us, iff for no other reason than that this pregnancy has been incredibly hard on me. And something about this just feels complete. I may mourn the close of this chapter when the baby is born and I embrace it as truly the last time, but right now it just feels like it's an okay time to know my limits and to know things are right and good with my feelings of who we needed to bring to our family.

I FEEL TIRED...

Seriously, it's the lamest thing ever to say that the heat is just unbearable when it's the end of October. But our A/C went out yesterday and we are still waiting for someone to come repair it. Last night was hot and miserable...not  "middle-of-August-record-temps-hot" but warmer than I am accustomed to dealing with at night. I know, I know, first world problems. :) Today I realized that not only was our A/C out, but also the outlet that plugs in our outdoor freezer where my stock of ice cream and other frozen goods was. Sigh. Got that turned back on--and just wish the a/c was just as simple. :) My point is, I was hot last night and didn't sleep well. I try really hard not to nap during the day now that I have energy back somewhat, but today I just couldn't resist. I still wish I could curl up in a ball and snooze all day long.

I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE...

in my own skin.
I know I addressed this already. But it's a very real issue for me. I am SO grateful I am able to start eating a few fruits and vegetables now (that my body so readily rejected for many weeks). I no longer need to eat 10-12 meals a day--which I wish were some exaggeration. :) I can feel my needs changing now that I am not sick as much (even when it comes to bagels--which I now can't even eat half of without feeling it's too much. HOORAY!)
But the fact is, I wear this pregnancy all over my body. :) And I still feel incredibly self conscious of that. I've been grateful for friends who have loaned or given me things, but my body is still in a weird "you don't really need full maternity, but you are too chunky for anything else" stage. And the backside of me has probably tripled since the 2 pink lines showed up on the pregnancy test. ;) Oh the woes...
I saw myself in the mirror the other day and thought, "who ARE you???" which, oddly enough, is the same thing I said as I lost all my weight and almost didn't recognize the new me in the mirror...
But this too shall pass...I know it's not the end of the world. It just feels uncomfortable to feel this way right now.

I FEEL ALIVE...

I know I may not ever catch up on everything I should. But I am excited to hopefully document things real time. :) And I am excited to break out this burst of energy and reclaim my house--to do some deep cleaning and organize a plethora of things that need to be taken care of. I am SO happy to say that we are almost done paying down one of our debts from some financial mistakes many years ago. I will feel so liberated the day that thing is paid off! I am so excited for the holidays to come...for the future to become more clear...to take in all that will take place over the next several months.

..and THAT'S the way I feel. :)

Our annual Fall Family Festival--2013

One of our favorite Fall traditions is having our annual Fall Family Festival--which is a really fancy way to say the night we do caramel apples and break the pinata. :) This year we had it on the family night right before Halloween, and as always, we invited a few friends to join us. I made the caramel from scratch this year--yes, I am usually painstakingly unwrapping caramels from a plastic bag--but not this year! And it was SO yummy!!



I know most people are all over the green apples for caramel apples--but truth be told, I am just not a green apple fan. But we usually throw a few in for kicks and giggles and those who like them. :)




(The Hirschi's little boy)



(and their little girl!)


The makings of a fine caramel apple--with the toppings falling off. lol



Kaden's caramel apple


And Spencer--goodness kiddo, what on earth is happening with your hair!?


Carter's masterpiece!



And our friend Clara (Tanzie)--who clearly enjoyed her caramel. :)


After the goodies were consumed, it was time to break open the pinata. I strategically plan this night AFTER our ward trunk or treat, so we put all that candy combined in the pinata and sent most of it home with other people. Seriously, it is candy overload at Halloween and it makes me craaazy! But we love doing the pinata--I bought this on clearance for a couple dollars last Halloween and it's been awaiting it's fateful day ever since!










We loved having friends over and we LOVE our tradition--it's something we look forward to every year. I love to see how it evolves each year and how we change it just a little here and there. One thing is for sure--it isn't fall without our family festival! ;)

The Halloween Party

Way to be original with that title, huh? :)

Sometime in October, Spencer received an invite from a sweet boy in his class inviting the whole family to his Halloween party. We weren't sure what to expect, but all donned costumes and showed up in the later afternoon as indicated on the invite. These people know how to PARTY! :) They had bounce houses and a barrel train, the trampoline and swingset and oodles of fun stuff to do!

     
(my little Iron man)


(Spencer was the Hulk)


They had a dinner catered by Fuddruckers and it was really yummy!



Jenna was...well, I cannot remember what she called herself. A princess fairy?


And they had hay bales set up for a maze. So cute! I snapped this shot of a little Jedi on top of it.



Everyone had a great time breaking open their pinatas and playing together.

And the kids had a REALLY great time bobbing for apples...









And when it got dark, they did a big hay ride out all around the property while us bystanders stayed back and warmed ourselves by the fires.





When the kids arrived back from the ride, they roasted marshmallows and had s'mores.






It was one of the most incredible parties we've been to--seriously so well thought out and planned! Brandon and I talked all the way home about being able to maybe do something like that someday--at least we can wish! :)

Packing on the pounds

This is the last post I will write without a picture and whining about something pregnancy related (unless I go off on a tangent about our insurance and hospital system...that's a whole other can of worms and makes my blood boil)

Yep--I will get back to my regularly scheduled 4 month behind catch up of all the fun stuff we actually did this summer. :)

But I did want to just write down some things that have been on my mind--and well, a lot more than just on my mind...more like all over my thighs and hips and belly and...

You get the idea.

The pounds. Oh my goodness...the weight gain thus far has been fast and furious.

And it is scary. REALLY scary. I've been there. For a big part of my life, being overweight was just how I was. But I worked...hard...and watching the scale go up plays very cruel tricks on your brain when weight has been an issue in the past.

I know what you are saying...
"this isn't the time to worry about your weight"
"take advantage of eating what you can now!"
"it will all come off later!"

...among other things. I have heard them all.

I think it is especially hard because I pictured myself, having lost the weight, and having the cute little belly that I never had being overweight. I don't know that I had mentally prepared for what a life of living on an all carb diet would do to me--but I can tell you know, there is definitely no cute little belly in store. I feel ashamed of myself--even though there is honestly nothing I can think I have control over to change right now. I literally have to eat what I can manage to keep down or what will help me from being nauseous. And it ends up being junk...stuff I haven't wanted or eaten for years. And yet I long for the day when fresh fruit and salad sounds appealing again.

I feel so grateful for this pregnancy--as difficult as it has been thus far. I am so grateful for those who have stepped in and done amazing things to help me out. I am grateful to have obtained some Zofran--that seems to help on the days it is really bad--even if it gives me a horrible headache in exchange. :) You win some, you lose some. :)

In many ways this pregnancy feels like the first time...it has been so many years since I was last pregnant. I have no maternity clothes...and at 9 weeks there is no way I fit any of my pants. My shirts are iffy. It is really emotionally draining to think about trying to look cute even just to feel good for yourself, when you have 2 things that fit, and neither are your first choice in attire. :) But I don't even know what size I am anymore--that whole line about "just pick the same size you were pre-pregnancy" is a bogus lie for those of us whose bodies want nothing but pasta and potatoes and cinnamon raison  bagels with cinnamon honey pecan cream cheese.

I know...that when I get to the 2nd trimester I will likely have better ability to keep down better choices and eliminate some of the pound-packers. I know that I will likely lose the weight again SOMEDAY--it just is incredibly frightening to think about facing that, when I never thought I would have to again. It's just the unknown.

And yet it's the known...walking back down a path I have already been. A scary path. An embarrassing path. I just don't want to let others down...I don't want to let myself down, or have them judge me because they watch me become a life size balloon. :) And truth is, I just know that I cannot compare myself to all these cute little people who have itty bitty basketballs out the front. Nope, this pregnancy is visible on me from all sides. Already.

It may be a long, and heavy, 31 weeks.