The End...and The Beginning

10:21 p.m. on New Year's Eve...

I am the only one in my house who is awake.

The kids have all been soundly sleeping for several hours and Brandon fell asleep with a book, only seconds after he assured me he wouldn't fall asleep "right this minute". :)

We are clearly party animals over here...

I was laying in bed thinking about the end of the year--what this year has been for us. And I was thinking about the beginning. The magical blank slate that starts at midnight, that gives a sense of hope and a fresh start.

2014 was...

hard. Oh my goodness it was hard.


We spent many months job hunting, sold our house, had a baby, signed papers to buy a practice, moved, spent a couple weeks apart while Brandon finished residency and I was settling in our new place. We took a trip to Idaho, started kids in new schools, endured months of no income while we waited for Brandon to be accepted by insurances. We have spent months figuring out the business side of things--the firing, the hiring, people quitting...

We are stretching and growing--learning to adapt to new callings and scenarios.

 It was also good. Really good....as we stepped back from the really hard and saw the blessings that were filtering in.

That somehow, we managed to sell our house without a realtor...that we had a healthy baby at just the right time to be covered on our great health insurance...that despite the months of job roller coaster, in the 11th hour we were presented an opportunity that we would have never considered otherwise and that it was the very opportunity that was right for our family. We feel blessed that even in those months of no income, we were given a way to stay afloat without living off credit cards. And we even feel grateful that our very important employee we hired, quit. Because doors opened and we found someone who is a hundred times more the right fit for our office.

I guess what I am saying, is that in the moment of darkness it is difficult to feel anything but heavy, lost, frustrated, and that the weight of the world could just crush you if you make a wrong move. But as I look back on all those dark moments, I see the light that carried us through and the good that came.

I know there is much unknown ahead. I was thinking earlier about how nervous I am that tomorrow the business is all ours! And then it hit me--there is no fear in faith! When I look at the miracles that lead us to this opportunity, I can think of only reasons to embrace excitement and optimism.

This year I will strive to document more. To yell less. To love deeper. To accept imperfection. To hold to the goal--to finish losing this weight. To grow my spiritual roots even deeper than they are. To find more ways to serve others...

I just want to be better...to use this blank slate for GOOD...

I want to stretch and grow and change so that this time next year I can sit down and say I held strong through the trials that came, and that the Lord walked me through and created something in me that is far greater than I could imagine.

Happy New Year...

On the edge of the unknown

Despite the desire to spend this morning catching up on photos and updates from the past 6 months, we just got a new computer and it may take me 6 months to get the old pictures transferred over...so let's just start fresh from here for now, shall we?

It's early. I've been up already for a few hours, lots on my mind.

I've wanted many times to sit down and update where we are at. Sometimes there just aren't the words...

Right after writing about being in the YW presidency, I was released and called as the Relief Society President. It was a COMPLETE shock, and in many ways I am still stunned that someone thought me competent enough to help assist in the many needs of the ward. I many ways I still feel very overwhelmed...my brain is on overdrive and processing a million things right now...

raising my kids...

The sweet Relief Society sisters...

taking over a business...

learning all the ins and outs and things I need to know to do payroll and the accounting part...

furnishing and decorating my house...

preparing for company...

Christmas...

losing weight...

securing insurance thanks to self-employment...

a teething baby...

personal struggles...

the chaos of my house right now...

and everyday life.

I feel incredibly honored to serve the sisters in our ward. There are so many amazing women and I am learning from so many different situations. But man, it's tough to always worry that I am forgetting something or letting someone in my life down. I find myself trying to stay afloat...and it will probably take me a while to get over the feeling that I am stepping in and disrupting the things that were already set up here. After all, I am the new person--and I have only lived here 5 months now.

This week is a big week...a scary week.

This week, everything changes. The doctor Brandon has been working with is officially leaving at the end of the week. There was something comforting about having him here--but in 16 more days, the business is all ours and Brandon is flying solo. I don't doubt Brandon's professional abilities at all--he's a great Podiatrist. But buying a practice,  and running it, and keeping up with all the ins and outs and hiring and firing, being responsible for other people's salaries and our OWN salary, advertising, etc...well, this is completely uncharted territory for us. 

When we came to Amarillo it was with the understanding that Brandon would take a part time position with the VA hospital and work at the practice part time. After months and months of waiting and paperwork, and prayer, we realized that the V.A. hospital was not meant to be in our picture and we had to turn it down. That was a tough pill to swallow--because it was the source of stability that brought us here. Letting go of the handrail when you're walking on a moving staircase is incredibly scary...and stressful. We have faith that it was the right thing--even if it's the scary thing--and trust the Lord will guide us through. 

Last year was one of the hardest years of our life. But we grew. A lot. We have talked often about what we would have done if the V.A. hadn't been in the picture...it would have been MUCH harder to feel secure in coming to Amarillo. Perhaps that is why it was in the picture when it was--to give us that nudge that it would be okay. And in every way we have felt reassured over and over that this is where we need to be. But we now find ourselves at the edge of the unknown...once again. With kids and callings and work and life--that comfort we find in just KNOWING what is to come is not there. But what IS there is the comfort of knowing that the Lord won't let us fall. Even if it's difficult. Even if it's stressful and makes us learn hard lessons...He will be there. We know this. I know this.

And I am writing this so I remember...we can do hard things. We have done hard things. And the greatest growth comes from the most difficult trials.

On the edge of the unknown...moving forward, little step by little step.

Josie--7 months

Dear Josie,

7 big ones...already!

At 7 months you have gone from dragging yourself across a few feet of floor to full on dragging your body across any open space. Sitting still is not really an option for you. :) This means that the floor that is used by 6 other people is your constant playground, and your poor clothes often wear the spills and dirt that are a part of day to day life in a family with lots of kids. You're still not up on all fours, but I watch you rock back and forth on your hands and knees and am sure it's close.

At 7 months you are LOVING food more and more. You will attempt to eat anything in front of you! You still love to nurse, however you also love to bite down and think it's a game when I tell you no. You also love to attempt to crawl WHILE nursing--and feel the need to stroke my lips, nose, and eyes while getting your milk fix. It's rough stuff to nurse a mover like you! :) But I do love the chance to slow down even if just for a few minutes, and snuggle you as much as I can.

You are becoming more and more interactive with the kids--YOU ADORE THEM! All of them! We are to the point where we can take you upstairs to the toy room and sit you down, and you crawl around playing with all of the kids for a good 30-40 minutes. And it is a MUST that you be the one to help tuck them in each night, often with special requests to read you stories in their beds. They love you to pieces--and you love them. We are SO grateful you are in our family--and that you bring a happiness that would have come in no other way!

At 7 months you are SO close to getting that first tooth! (UPDATE: first tooth officially popped through on 12/13/14) And as we have found with the other kids, teething brings the grumpy, whiny, restlessness...but it makes us appreciate the happy times even more! :)

We often laugh at your cute hairline--it's a bald man's hairline in front and an afro in the back. But it's stayed dark thus far--which I love--and I am anxious to see how it will grow out in the coming months. You are such a cute girl and we love you to pieces!

Some days I am afraid to go to sleep each night knowing that the time is passing so quickly and not wanting to miss anything with you--and yet I look forward to watching you grow! You are an amazing little girl and you have changed us forever!

WE LOVE YOU!
Love, mom

Josie 6 months

Dear Josie--

6 months. Half a year. It's as though you were born, I blinked, and BAM--here we are.

At 6 months you are finding your voice more and more. You are becoming more proficient at getting around and LOVE to sit and see everything that is going on around.I attempted the art of babywearing, and you HAAAATED it. You are not a snuggle close kind of girl. If there is action, you want in on it! And if there isn't, you are in search of it.

At 6 months we started giving you a little bit of food. LOVE AT FIRST BITE. You're wearing 3-6 month clothes with room to go and are in the 10th percentile on the charts at the doctor's office.

We love the little person you're becoming. We love your smiles, laughter, and excitement. You truly make every day an adventure...

Love you sweet girl...
Mom

Josie--5 months

Dear Josie,

Here we are. 5 months. Just like that.

I am LOVING how much you have come to life the past few weeks. You really interact and try so hard to communicate with the kids and us. At 5 months you LOVE having conversations with the mirror. You have long since moved on from being a little roly poly that just couldn't contain the happiness that made you pop right over to being an experienced pro-roller. You've started scooting yourself backwards and I can just tell you'll be a crazy crawler in no time at all!

At 5 months you make the funniest fake cough sound whenever I am getting read to nurse you--I have no idea why, but it's hilarious! You are grabbing EVERYTHING and have a firm hold once it's in your clasp. You are also gnawing on everything and anyone who will get their hands, arms, or legs close to your mouth. I have a feeling we will see some teethin's sometime here really soon.

We still haven't started you on food--I feel much less rushed for that this time around. Partly because I know I will be dealing with far fiercer diapers and messes, and partly because I am enjoying the freedom that comes with you just nursing when you're hungry, without lugging everything around and needing all the snacks that come with solid feeding.

At 5 months, we love you more and more--we love your contagious smile and your cute little rolls on your thighs. We love your little giggle, and your surprised look face, and how cute you look in leggings. And especially, at 5 months, we realize more and more how lucky we are to have you in our lives.

We love you baby girl...
Love, mom

Sunday thoughts...

(because I needed an excuse to post this cute pic...)

I think it's safe to say I won't be winning any blogging awards. ;)

So much time between posts. Holy moly. Disgraceful.

Sometimes I find myself writing posts in my head. Thoughts and feelings and the things I really like keeping here. I am sure that the number of people reading my mumbo jumbo has dropped to virtually nothing. But I still hope to write here--and I love to look back and read our life story.

Hmm...so where to start?
Should I start by filling details of our move? The difficult 2 weeks I was without Brandon right after we moved, alone with 5 kids in a new place? Should I start with our trip to Idaho filled with cousins and fun? Or how life was adjusting to Brandon being home almost every day while we waiting anxiously for any word that would allow him to be able to start work?

So much to say...

Perhaps just a brief update today?
Okay.

Here's a little "where are we now" for ya...
Brandon FINALLY got the green light and is working himself into a full schedule.
 Amarillo Foot Specialists is a legit company now, and Brandon is the newest podiatrist in town. Word is spreading quickly, and it's strange to hear when people I randomly meet have heard he is coming. Coming upon this opportunity felt, at the time, like our last resort. Remember, he didn't know about it and come to Amarillo till the week Josie was born...6 weeks before we were scheduled to move. And after we had committed to coming here, he got job news/opportunities from a few other places that had fallen through previously. But as we have settled in, and started trying to learn the ropes of what this new job means for us, working with the doctor who will be leaving the practice (he is so generous and helpful, and a complete superstar! We feel VERY blessed to be working with him) it has become incredibly apparent that this was absolutely not God's backup plan for us. This is right. This is for us. And this is the door Heavenly Father was waiting to open after a long, difficult year of waiting for the right opportunity.

School started and I am working my way back to a regular schedule. I've been able to succeed at waking early the majority of the time, but am very grateful Brandon is here many mornings (hallelujah for being done with residency!) just in case I have slept through the alarm . Yep, it's happened a time or two. Getting older and having a baby awake in the night has been hard on my sleep habits! :) I am a creature of consistency and really thrive on knowing what will happen each day. I suppose I am finding myself stuck between the world of not beating myself up when things do go exactly as I want them to in my mind, and accepting that right now it may just be a little bit of flying by the seat of our pants, so to speak. I have started back to WW meetings to lose this pregnancy weight. So far down 12 pounds since I started back. It feels like it's going MUCH slower than it did before, but I am trying to hang in there and just continue to plug along. I know someday I will look back and see how all the little numbers add up, but it's hard not to compare to my last weight loss effort. Just doing what I can. Dealing with schedules and school and getting people here and there, on little sleep. Slowly but surely, I hope to work back into my full-fledged feel good routine.

2 weeks after we moved in, I was called into the Young Women's presidency. This was quite the shock to my system, because I have been in Relief Society callings, with the exception of a short stint in Primary for a bit, for a very long time. It will be a calling I will have much to learn from...this I know. I am grateful for this opportunity, but I have definitely felt inadequate. I really hope to be able to connect with these girls and help it be the complete opposite of the experience I had during my teen years.

I have a million other emotions--and feel like I could write all afternoon.
But this afternoon, I mainly feel grateful. Grateful for a new week, and for opportunities to grow even when it feels hard, and to see God's plan unfold as we continue to move forward.

Happy Sunday.

Josie--4 months

Dear Josie,

4 whole months. This time is simply flying by and I am almost afraid if I blink you will suddenly be 4 years. Blink again, and you may be leaving the house. And so even in my sleep deprived state I hope to keep my eyes open as much as possible. I am afraid to miss a moment!

At 4 months you are rolling over. It is SO cute. You wait till someone is watching and then it as if your whole body gets SO FILLED with happiness and you scrunch up in this little ball and then pop yourself over on your belly.  It looks like a human roly poly. And it is SO adorable!

At 4 months you are starting to outgrow your 0-3 month clothes. Oh, how it makes my heart ache to fold up the tiny bloomers and sweet outfits that I LOVED seeing on you. You are getting more and more little fat rolls and just filling out so cute! ;) You are moving more and more as well, and nursing you is no longer a calm, quiet time. Instead, your arms flail in the air and your legs kick all over. But I am grateful for the time we have to be together. I really do love it--

You absolutely adore the other kids,and you LOVE to smile! The kids all race in to see you every morning, and insist on you coming in to kiss them good night. They are smitten with you, sweet girl. And daddy and I are too--you have turned our world inside out and upside down and we absolutely LOVE the opportunity to have you in our family and see what a special role you play.

Trying to enjoy these moments, which speed by so quickly, and hope you know of our love. Our hearts feel full--and each one of us know we are blessed because of you.
Love you sweet girl,
Mom

THREE months

I CAN HARDLY believe that it has been 3 whole months.

Time is flying by...
Love our little girlie who makes life so much better!

Randomness on a Friday morning

I have had a billion thoughts running through my head and longed to write them all down. What stops me? That I have to log out of Brandon's gmail account to get into mine and...and as lame as it sounds, it felt like too much work.

But here I am, early morning. Been up for a few hours now sandwiched in between Brandon on one side and Josie on the other. Co-sleeping is totally not my thing, but you find when you're longing for a baby to sleep, you do whatever it takes. She loves to snuggle next to me. And I love it too--just not all night long. I finally was able to squeeze myself out from in between them and just wanted to take a few minutes and spill my thoughts.

In no particular order, here goes!

My first thought is a long one--but an important one.

--I have thought a lot lately about this house and how it came to be. We looked at tons of places--a few in person, and MANY online and with the help of other people. Nothing felt right. We looked at so many outdated, old, expensive, TINY places. Or the spaces had dog / smoker issues. And I am totally good with an imperfect place, but people were asking a premium for the space we needed. It was a week before we were scheduled to move and we still had no where. In desperation, I called back one of the previous places and was told it wasn't available but the identical floor plan had just come open--the previous tenants had just up and moved and never said a word.

The house happened to be only a few months old. It had all the space we needed. And it was a price that was no more than the old yucky houses we saw. After deciding to move forward with it, I happened to notice online that the price posted for a different (but identical) rental on their site was $100 less each month. So I called and asked about it and was told it was a typo on their part, and had been corrected almost immediately, but that by law they had to honor that price for me because I had seen in it the short time it was up. $100 may not be much to some, but that's a pretty big deal in my wallet. :)

I remember the day we came to move in--we had never seen the house in person. We hadn't even seen pictures of the whole thing period! But we walked in and marveled at the beautiful cabinets, the granite, the amazing bathrooms and the soaker tub, the giant toy room, etc. I looked at Brandon and said, we totally don't deserve a place like this! "It had exceeded all our expectations. And while it wasn't our DREAM house, it was so much better than everything else we saw!

Fast forward a few weeks--I have found myself dwelling on the kinks. (let's face it, almost every house has them!) The tall cabinets are REALLY tall. The closet shelf was designed by someone who would never intend to store anything on them. There are little things I would change about construction, etc. Point is, as people have asked us how we like it I find myself responding that "it's okay", when just weeks ago I was over the moon about it! :) Recently a young woman gave a talk on the 10 lepers who were healed and how there was only one to return and give thanks. It isn't a new story...but it hit me in a completely new way. I felt like I could totally relate. I had prayed those pleadings for the Lord to take pity on us, so to speak. I had prayed for a place to live, a job, a house--and walked forward with a lot of faith that something would work out. And it did...but I don't want to forget that "healing". I don't want to forget the miracles of how it all came to be. I look around this house and feel a tremendous gratitude for a God who knows us and loves us. This house truly is more than we could have hoped for--and I have no doubt it is by His hand that everything fell into place or out of place at the right time so that we would be given this opportunity. And I truly do feel immensely blessed.
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Other thoughts...

This is the first time in my married life that we have moved and not had anyone else in our similar situation. We always were with other students in undergrad, or a huge group of other Podiatry families in Ohio, and in residency there were our pick of resident families moving in or out at any given time. We always had one thing in common with multiple other families.

And then we moved here.

And nobody else is moving in with us. Life is established for others. And it is summer...and everyone has a routine already or is on vacation. And it feels kind of lonely. It's lonely to not have a network of people to navigate your way through things. Don't get me wrong--there are the kindest people here and we feel incredibly blessed to be in the ward we are in, etc. But it's also a strange feeling--a very unfamiliar feeling. And I think it will just take a lot of time to have situations to get to know people the way I hope to.

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I hadn't posted here, but I went back to WW shortly after Josie was born. It feels good to be back. Thanks to a move, and living 2 weeks in a new place without a husband around, and a vacation to Idaho, my weight loss has been much slower than I hoped. I'm trying to not be too discouraged about it. And I am crossing my fingers that now that we are settling into a new normal, I can focus more and be more successful! So far, I'm down about 7 pounds. But there is a lot more to go where that came from. Ick.

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I feel like such a mess--it is frazzling to try to change your address with a billion places, and remember who was paid and wasn't paid during a time of major transition. It's frustrating to wonder where things are and to not have everything put away yet. I long to hang things on my living room walls, and decorate the boys room, etc. But everything hinges on something else--furniture coming in, decisions about room sharing, etc. From a planner like me, who prefers everything just so, it's been stressful to say the least! I just always am wondering what I am forgetting--

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I went from only letting my kids have cereal 2 times a week to having it every day--I've seriously got to get myself figured out in the breakfast department.

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One thing I really have come to love is parking in the garage. We never could do it at our old house, but a 3 car garage is dreamy--and both Brandon and I fit our cards inside.

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I LOVE AMARILLO. Have I said that yet? Oh yes. I have. SO many places for great deals--so easy to get around. I am so excited to be here...

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In many ways I want to fast forward time to when Brandon can start work and we have a real schedule...and in other ways I want to freeze the time he is here at home to help, spend time, etc....the time is flying though and I am sure in a few months I will long for these days where the pace was slow (SLOOOOOOOW) and we had nothing on the calendar.


Until then, I have an Idaho trip to catch up on, pictures to post, a house to finish unpacking--the list goes on...just hoping to find the motivation to do something about it! :)

Josie--2 months

Dear Josie-- 2 months. I can't believe they have passed in the blink of an eye. We celebrated your 2 month mark in Idaho and were able to have your blessing and Kaden's baptism together. We had a room full of family and there was a beautiful spirit there. Grandma Net (my mom) made your dress--it was patterned after my own blessing dress, and made from my wedding dress. It holds a lot of significance to me and I am grateful to pass that along to you now. There is no doubt in my mind that you are meant to be in our family. The past 2 months have been a roller coaster of emotion and a whir of activity, but somehow you have felt like the perfect blessing planted in the middle of a sea of uncertainty. We love you so much, I am grateful for your sweet spirit and the beginning of smiles we are getting to see--it makes the sleepless nights a little more bearable. :) Love, Mom

Being 8 is super great!

Dear Kaden,

I am actually quite late in technically writing this--this is the first year I haven't had your birthday letters right on time. But I thought about what to write for several weeks now, and want you to know you have been on my mind!

Kaden, at 8 you still love tomatoes! You are still my best eater. I am always happy to report on this when the doctor asks at your annual checkup. You can be so incredibly responsible and I am grateful for your example. You take being 8 very seriously. You always wear a suit to church and have been wearing daddy's long ties, tucked in to your shirt so they don't go to your knees. :) I love seeing this--it is truly one of my favorite things!

At 8 you are FINALLY a cub scout! Oh my goodness, how you have waited for this for so long! You are going to be an amazing Scout--I can tell! For your birthday daddy got you a pocket knife. I mention dad specifically because I did not want to be any part of that. :) You have taken to whittling away at chunks of wood and keep your knife on hand in case I need help opening a package or taking a tag off a new piece of clothing. :) A few weeks ago you were asked to do the color guard at the pack meeting. Oh my goodness, there has never been anything cuter! You were SO focused--you called out the orders with a loud, clear voice, and whipped your fingers in place for the scout salute at the end. My heart swelled with such pride in who you are and what you represent.

At 8 you are in 3rd grade. This was one of my favorite grades and I hope you find some of the same magic I did at your age! You just started piano lessons and I am hopeful you will grow to love this and develop it as a talent. It is a skill that is SO useful and needed in so many areas!

You are really into origami and Star wars, and love to read! Dad and you have started to play catch in the backyard and you seem to really want to learn more about baseball. You love spending one on one time, and it's something I hope we can have more of together.

I have enjoyed watching you grow up so far, Kaden. You are such a great, responsible boy and I feel like I have learned so much from you.  I also feel like you are teetering on the edge of not so little boy anymore, and entering a complicated world of boyhood. I hope you know, more than anything, that I love you and I want you to succeed. You are destined to do great things--I have felt that since before you were born.This does not mean you need to be perfect--I just want you to be your very best you. That is the you I love--always and forever.

Happy big 8th birthday--
Love, Mom

Amarillo....by morning

I can hardly have a conversation with someone discussing Amarillo without hearing that song reference... ;)

We've been here 4 days now, and are starting to settle in. I really should be unpacking boxes since the kids are in bed, but I wanted to take note of some things I've had on my mind since we moved.

Ready for this? I LOVE Amarillo--

Why?

-It is the EASIEST "big city" to get around! I've hardly even used my GPS since I got here! I feel like I have a good feel for the city and you can be anywhere in 20 minutes max. It's great!

-All around town there are these big horse statues outside certain businesses. I am not sure what qualifies someone to get one, but they are painted according to the business names, etc. When we were here looking for houses, Brandon started a game where every time we saw a horse we would yell "ZICH HORSE!" It's a tradition that has continued and has us all looking for the horses all the time. I really love this game...and the hunt! :) 

-The people. SO many friendly people! I love it! 

-The cool mornings and evenings. Oh, how amazing this feels! I love that it gets cool enough at night that the air conditioner doesn't even need to run. And the morning is so nice--fresh and crisp! The humidity has dropped significantly in this weather zone. :) 

-All the CHOICES! Need to shop for furniture? Pick one of 10 or so places...eating out? The selection is endless!Need something to do? Pick a museum..or park,..or pool. or splash pad. It's pretty fantastic!

-Our ward (the congregation from church) Literally, as we were walking in from church, the Elder's Quorum presidency was already on our doorstep to welcome us and offer any help. The Primary (kids classes) sends out an email newsletter with pictures of what they have been working on each month, etc. It was AMAZING! Everyone has been so kind--

-Our house. I sometimes walk around my house and feel like in no way, shape, or form do we deserve to live here. I pinch myself sometimes--is this real? Our rental search was EXHAUSTING and fruitless--we didn't even HAVE a place until a week before we moved. Everything was so old and yucky and expensive. And then by chance (or pure blessing) the tenants who had lived in this house only 2 months (they were the first to move in after it was built) up and moved out and never said a word about it. So it left this brand new place vacant and ready to be leased, a week before we needed to be here. We rented it sight unseen--which is a little unnerving. But there are so many beautiful things about it. I LOVE the master bathroom. It truly makes me feel like I am on vacation every day. And even though the kitchen is small and the cupboard space poorly planned, it's a nice open space and feels clean and beautiful. 

-Our garage. We have a 3 car garage. Crazy, right? We have never even PARKED in a garage before. Until now. And our garage is in the back of the house (that's a funny Amarillo thing). Our kids have taken to riding their scooters all over the garage and out into the driveway and alley way--they love it! 

-My cell phone reception. Holy smokes, is my cell reception a BAJILLION times better here than it was before. In fact, I get faster 4g internet connection in my house than I do wireless signal from my router! THANK YOU Amarillo! lol

-The airport. SO quaint and cute--and even Southwest flies in and out of there! 

It has been interesting, really...Amarillo never ever would have crossed my mind in a million years, and yet here we are. And here are so many things that I had wanted but never thought were possible. 

Heavenly Father knows us. He does. Amarillo is proof to me of that very truth.

Life as we know it...

I don't think it has really sunk in that tomorrow is our last day in this house.

Our belongings are still scattered about, some in boxes, some not--our furniture has disappeared piece by piece as we have sold the things we won't take with us. We have eaten "leftovers" from our freezer and pantry for a couple of weeks now.

The kids are completely thrown off schedule--and they are EXHAUSTED,

I. am.

EXHAUSTED.

It's been a chaotic scene to say the least. 

We have looked forward to this day for years now. And it's like, BAM, it's suddenly here! And we are scrambling to say our goodbyes and pack up our house and be ready to close this chapter. 

It is no secret it took me a long time to adjust to living here. I felt like an outsider for a long time--I struggled to adjust to the small town feel and not being so close to all of the things that made Cleveland so great for our family. I felt alone and distanced from family and friends--since Cleveland had been a hub and we had many guests stop by. But really--Temple, Tx. is pretty much not on the way to...well, much of anything for our friends and family.

Suddenly I find myself thinking of what I will miss--fresh tortillas from the grocery store, Bluebonnets, Nami, a tremendous network of helpful people who are so willing to serve, the water park that filled our summer days every year since we got here. I will miss our house. This house took some convincing--I didn't want to come back to look at it in the first place but we were convinced we had to try when all our options fell through or looked bleak. This house felt special--it felt different. But committing to a house purchase was REALLY hard for me. Once we signed on the dotted lines, we did everything we could to make it ours--to make it better--to love it for everything it is. And we did. 

I will miss the adventures we shared working side by side,  learning how to set a toilet and lay tile and put wood molding up. I will miss the love poured into the paint on the wall and the gardening I did, and figuring out how to install faucets and fixtures. We will never again have a first house--so this is a pretty special place for us.

Living here has been filled with ups and downs--hard weeks with long hours and stress and frustration, and yet we've had the opportunity to serve and see Jason and Mindi once in a while and have our kids go to a great school where they have met some wonderful friends. This isn't a chapter I want to relive, necessarily. But it is a chapter I will look back on with fondness--despite the struggles we have really grown here. 

Life as we know it is about to change drestically--

So often when people hear we are finishing residency we are met with responses that indicate others really think we are heading for a carefree life of coasting now that this part is over. That is SO very far from the truth. :) While many others finishing residency are ready to start work July 1 and will be met with sign on bonuses and consistent paychecks, we have to wait several more months--and then will be essentially entering the world of self-employment. This is never a route we really saw taking. But we know it's what should be. As scary as it feels, this is where all the dead end roads have taken us. Gone are the days of turbo tax and simple tax filings. :) A new adventure awaits.

We are taking a step back from owning and needing to rent for a couple years. It is actually emotionally much harder than I thought it would be. And after searching and searching and being let down over and over, we finally found a place to rent 1 week before our move date. 

Tomorrow we close our chapter here--we pack our house up in a truck to be taken to our new adventure. We watch Brandon graduate from his residency program. We say our final goodbyes and lock the door to our home one more time...and say goodbye to life as we know it.

3 weeks of Josie

I think I've been so busy holding and Instagraming our sweet girl, that I forgot to take and post some real picture of our little Miss. 3 weeks old today--I can hardly believe time has flown so quickly! We are adjusting to life with a newborn--and no to life with a newborn without my mom here--and next week we will adjust yet again to life with a newborn without my mom and without Brandon. Paternity leave has rocked! :)

Here is Josie and my mom...1 day old.    

Spencer was so happy to hold her--


And she has a very proud daddy!


I cannot get over the cutenes on Carter's face--this little guy has been SO incredibly happy to have a new sister--he is such a great helper and loved Josie SO much!


She looks so big in the pictures--but her sweet little self is just that--LITTLE!






When she was a few days old, we went back to the hospital for her checkup and they felt her bilrubin levels were too high, so we were given orders to sun bathe our girl--she loved this! Good thing, because it took 2 more appointments to get us in the clear!



While she laid in the sun, the boys read her stories. CUTEST THING EVER. It was so, so sweet--


We finally gave our girl a bath when she was 5 days old--for some reason I was always super anxious to give the bath before, but this time we just waited. No reason--just did. But she LOVES baths!!


I ADORE snuggling next to my girl. It's been my favorite thing to have her wake up after the kids go to school, and lay next to me while I nurse her and we snuggle.


At one week, I did some pictures of her--
























My mom, on Mother's Day, with all the kiddos--




At 3 weeks, Miss Josie has more alert times--but she definitely cherishes her beauty sleep, at least during the day. This girl is a SNUGGLE BUG to the max--she LOVES to sleep on our chests or next to us--


She has officially been on her first road trip and stayed in a hotel, when we went to look for housing in Amarillo. She loved falling asleep on the hotel pillow when I was nursing her, and could stay there curled up on the pillow for hours! And she always finds comfort in holding our finger.

At 3 weeks, she still has her dark hair--and I really hope it stays! I can tell she is growing--as of last week she was up to 6 lb 10 oz. She's getting quite the double chin on her--but her body still remains teeny tiny. Newborn clothes are finally starting to fit a little better, and the diaper is closing better around her legs--I truly cherish every chance I get to hold my sweet girl, because I know how quickly they grow and change--



3 weeks old--cannot believe it! So much love for this sweet girl--so much has changed since she came into our family. 3 weeks, yet not even able to remember life without her!

Double Digits

My dearest Jenna,

I cannot believe you've officially entered double digits! It seems as though one day you were 3 and the next you're all grown up and well on your way to being a teenager. That's a scary thought! :)

At 10, you are what some may call bossy--I call it motherly. :) You like to keep the boys in line and will often be overheard redirecting them to do their jobs or to follow instructions. This is one part of you that reminds me very much of myself as a child. You are amazing with Josie--you hold her, rock her when she is fussy, sing to her, change diapers, and getting her dressed is one of your favorite parts of the day. I hope you know how grateful I am for all your help! It has been an incredible blessing. I am so appreciative of your desire to learn to babysit and to be a good helper.

With our upcoming  move and an exchange of phone numbers to keep in touch with friends, you have suddenly discovered the joy of phone calls. You have found many excuses reasons to call your friends here, and I have a feeling that this is only the beginning. I was SO happy to discover you had some great girls to be your BFF at school. I have a feeling that your sweet personality will allow you to find the same thing in your new school.

At 10 you are sensitive..to challenges, to change, to being asked to do things you don't want to do. Oh, the meltdowns we have had! But you're also sensitive to the needs of others. You are always thinking of ways to help those in need, whether by praying or brainstorming fundraising ideas, etc. You are thoughtful and kind. I have a whole file of notes from you to prove it. ;)

You are so creative. I love the way your mind works--and I especially love the way you can usually get the boys to play along with your current make believe. From pet shops to daycares and everything in between, the boys are thrilled to play along. I love that at 10, you're not too big for imagining. For playing. For innocence. For hanging signs all over the house announcing impromptu dance recitals and play school schedules and such. You remind me of all that's magical about childhood. And I love you so much for that.

At 10, you are still small. Finally hitting the 4 ft mark and weighing in at just over 50 pounds. In many ways your half pint stature has allowed me to put off acknowledging that you are, indeed, getting older. When your clothes size is several digits behind your age, it's easy to ignore reality and keep you young a little bit longer. :) But as much as I wish I could keep you small forever, I have witnessed amazing growth in you and am so impressed by the person you're becoming.

Jenna, I remember so vividly the day you were born and the months leading up to it. I never could have dreamed that the baby I carried for 9 very long months would someday be a 10 year old girl with beautiful, long hair, an infectious smile, and motherly instinct just bursting from every part of you! You amaze me. You inspire me. And you remind me just how special it is to be your mom...

I love you baby big girl. To the moon and back...and then around again.
Happy double digits birthday.
Love, Mom

We are moving to.....

It has been a very long, long year of searching, praying, waiting, crying, working, following leads, letdown, hope, and patience... And we can FINALLY see the pieces of the puzzle coming together... There are still many things that need to happen to have this all work out--but we feel this has been a very divinely given opportunity and have faith that somehow things will continue to come together. We never anticipated living here--not even remotely. And the setup of the job(s) Brandon will have are not things we initially would have considered. But it's 8 hours closer to home, in a city with many of the things I had on my wish list (including a major airport--hint, hint), and we feel like ultimately this is where the Lord wants our family to go. So with tremendous excitement, I can finally announce we are moving to...

Introducing Josie: The birth story

This post has been a long time coming. :)

May 2, 2014, our sweet Josie Ann was born at 12:46 p.m. weighing 6 pounds 5 oz and being 19 3/4" long.
She has been such a great baby thus far and we are ALL so thrilled she is in our family. :)


The juicy details:

We arrived at the hospital just after 5 a.m. and went to check in at Labor & Delivery. I had really wanted to wait this pregnancy out and deliver on my own, since all of my other kids have been induced for various reasons. But several weeks ago, I realized that this may just not work, since Brandon still didn't have a job and he had several interviews to go on and things to work out, and that we have to be out of our house 5 weeks after my due date. The stresses were many and it felt like it was really just the best option. We got our date, my mom got her ticket, and we had at least one firm plan in our incredibly uncertain future. ;) I felt guilty about this for a while--but the last several days I found myself SO grateful to have that date on the horizon and just know I could be done with pregnancy and aches and pains then.

After waiting for a long while in the lobby, they finally called us back and got us set up. It was after 6 a.m. before they came in to get me hooked up the an IV. I really felt so good--we hung out and eventually went for a walk in the hall hooked up to the pitocin drip. The timing is a blur, but around 10:30ish I went back and laid down again. I felt really good, all things considered. The upped the pitocin and checked me--I was still at a 4 where I had been all morning. The came in and broke my water and then offered me fentanyl--I had about 6 people describe it to me at different times, all saying the exact same "it makes you feel like you drank a margarita". I have never had this beverage--or any alcohol at all--so it made me laugh a little because I had no idea what that would even mean. :) My contractions weren't unbearable, but I could feel them starting to get more intense and I was okay to have the edge taken off. So I took the "IV margarita" and it was instant relief. I joked with Brandon that if this is what a Margarita feels like, I may take up drinking. He knows, and I know, that is totally not true. :) But it let me rest for a good half hour and felt great!

When it started to wear off, I still didn't feel BAD, but said I would go ahead and get the epidural. The resident came in and got it started. I COULD SING HIS PRAISES ALL THE DAY LONG! It was the BEST EPIDURAL I have EVER had! Not on one side or the other. Not too heavy a dose. Blissful perfection! I napped for a little bit and suddenly my eyes popped open and I told Brandon, "CALL THE NURSE! I feel pressure". I was a little panicked that maybe my epidural was wearing off or something--because the past few epidurals have either numbed me so much I didn't know when I was ready to push, or didn't numb me enough and I just felt a complete raging burn. But sure enough, the nurse came and checked me and I was ready, ready, ready. She put my legs together to try to keep the baby from coming, and they ran to get my doctor from out of surgery.

I was trying very hard not to push at this point. I felt no pain otherwise--just the need to push. My doctor ran in with nurses gowning her as she came. She asked if I remembered how to push and I said yes. Geared up for the contraction, pushed one time and little Josie came completely out. The doctor kind of laughed, looked surprised, and said, "well, okay. Here she is!" She laid her on my chest briefly, but because she wasn't crying and hadn't had a chance to slow in the birth canal enough to get the gunk out of her lungs they had to take her over and suction it out till she had a clear pathway to breathe.

I cannot even say enough about how amazing this birth experience was. Very little pain--SO fast--so easy. It was REALLY awesome....in fact, it had me thinking, "If I knew labor would be like this again, I could totally have another baby!" But no--the reality is that I am going to close this chapter of life with the best labor story I have had. :)

Josie is my smallest baby by almost a pound! I know she isn't a preemie--but her tiny features just amaze me. She is SO itty bitty. The kids are all completely in love. They came up to the hospital several hours after I had her, but I was completely exhausted and hardly coherent, and didn't get any pictures then (although it should be noted that Carter walked in the room and asked where the baby boy was, and when we told him it was a girl, he wanted nothing to do with her and immediately turned for Brandon's iPad. He has since warmed up...) Jenna and Kaden came back with Brandon to pick me up from the hospital the next day at our mandatory 24 hour mark and I grabbed a few pics of them then. I had really wanted a birth photographer, but couldn't find anyone taking new people or they didn't feel comfortable doing it. I was really bummed--so all I have are the few pics I took from my hospital bed right before and after birth, and the couple that Brandon snapped. It will have to do.

I am SO grateful to have had such an incredible birth and labor story this time. I have felt SO good--even went to church less than 48 hours later. I adore snuggling my little dark haired girl and seeing my family all get to hold and love on her. She has changed our family forever!










(liquid diet...sprite, jello, broth, and a side of juice. yum. lol)










































(her wrist is so tiny that he band kept coming off. Even a quarter fits inside--)