CRAVING...

In thinking of a name for this baby girl (pinching myself..is it really a girl???) I laughed when I had the thought that I should name her Debbie since I have developed a strange and incredibly strong desire to have Little Debbie snacks on a regular basis.

Also on my list of cravings...
baked potatoes with chili
chocolate frosty from Wendy's
strawberry jam on toast
noodles...lots of noodles
steak
pizza
Taco bell crunchy taco
breakfast foods--any and all!
Sixlets

so yes...either this baby is going to be born a junk food junkie or I will have diabetes. lol

I can't stand the thought of...
meatloaf
certain chicken dishes
many leftovers
bacon that isn't perfectly crisp
many vegetables (this makes me so sad!)
sweet and salty pop crisps
eggs if they aren't made just right
ripe bananas
things that are mostly chocolate (minus the frosty)
lowfat or fat free yogurt

I have continued on having "morning" (or really all day) sickness that really affects my gag reflux for certain foods. It's much more manageable now, and I can just deal with it most of the time. But is also means I have to eat every hour or so or I find myself dry heaving. It's pretty stinky.

I have really just had to stop weighing myself. Psychologically this pregnancy has been really hard and completely opposite of what I envisioned--staying at my pre-pregnancy but post weight loss figure and just having a baby bump pop out and look cute. NEVER in my wildest dreams did I think that I would be sick unless eating a snack cake or have to eat almost all day long. And I certainly never imagined that my body would look like it does. I can definitely compare myself to a cookie--the ball of dough has little lumps and bumps to begin with, but when it starts to bake everything just spreads out. :) That's me. The back, the front, the top, Depressing.

I am thrilled for this baby--but coming from a person who has lost a large sum of weight and been a leader of a weight loss group, craving complete junk and having it be the one thing that helps take away the sickness really does make me feel ashamed of myself.

Just have to keep plugging along. Hoping that the nausea eases and I can get back to eating normal healthy snacks at normal times and try to be out and more active! I know it would feel so good, if I could do so without having to throw up.

Almost 19 weeks...man, time is flying by!

Girls

IT'S A.....


.

The day started early--I thought I would sleep soundly, but I woke at 3 a.m. Tossed and turned and couldn't deny that the anxiety had somehow got to me. Thankfully I scheduled my ultrasound for 8 a.m. so I wouldn't have to wait through the day.

I remember every ultrasound till this one, not sleeping for days before, just being so anxious and excited to know. Truth me told, this time I totally fine to wait--even though we were excited to know. There is something about this being IT--final--THE END that put some extra pressure on me.

On one hand, we have felt since Kaden that we had another girl waiting to come to our family. And this summer I had that incredibly vivid dream in which we were having an ultrasound and being told we were having a girl--and we weren't even pregnant! And then there is the sister factor-that my sweet Jenna has begged, pleaded, prayed for, and wished she would somehow have a sister. I wanted to trust my instincts, but I was seriously doubting--especially after 3 boys in a row. :)

On the other hand, I told myself to let go of that idea and just accept it would be another boy. And that was really kind of disheartening. YES, YES, YES we would have loved this boy and been thrilled--but I wanted to trust my instincts. REALLY trust myself and the experiences I had.

So there was a little hesitation to find out--I really talked myself into just believing it would be a boy. We tried to talk to each of the kids about the possibility of it being a boy, since last time there were some serious tears involved from the girl of the family. :)

As I lay there this morning in the dark exam room while the technician measured and checked and saw how the little babe was growing, my heart was pounding as she moved on to the gender. I looked away and winced just waiting for her to tell me she saw little boy parts...as has been the case the past 3 times. :)

That sounds terrible. I know. Again, it isn't that I don't love my boys. I have been blessed with such great little guys. They are sweet and funny and snuggly and SO incredibly special to me.

But this is it. This baby is the last chance for those other thoughts and feelings to come to be.

So I waited for her to break it to me--to tell me it was a boy.

And much to my surprise she stated calm and collected, "it looks like it's a girl..."

I about jumped off the table as I practically shouted, "WHAT!?" 

She showed us again, and walked through why she thought that. 

I was stunned.

I still am.

We finished our appointment and I ran home to put some things together so I could go get the kids out of class to tell them. I was THAT excited.
I had each of them hold a letter upside down on their lap.
It was either G-I-R-L or B-O-Y-!
So on the count of 3, they all lifted their letters and saw the answer.
It was SO great! They were so happy--and truly so surprised!
I recorded it to share--or at least I thought I did. Unfortunately, in my excitement I forgot to actually push the record button. :) But I think it will always be fresh in my mind. It was so special.

All day I pinch myself to make sure this is my reality. :) Granted, I am aware that what should have been girls have been born boys and nothing is 100% until signed, sealed and delivered in the hospital. :)
But I find myself dreaming of buying pink and lavender and ruffled outfits with cute bows.
I find myself referring to "the girls"...that sounds so, so good.
I can finally start thinking of names...and making that connection with this special spirit inside of me.
And all the kids, even those boys, were SO hoping for a girl. And they are all SO excited.

This was one of my favorite ultrasound pictures--I told the kids the baby did this (put her hand on her head) when she overheard me telling the ultrasound technician that we had 3 boys in the house. They laughed--

It's still overwhelming some days, to think about going back to the baby stage, being up much of the night, and adjusting to 5 kids while selling our house and finding a job and preparing to move. But the feeling I have had all day--that joy--pure joy, has taken away all of that stress if even but for a moment.

Tonight feels joyful and light and fresh and so very good.
Thank goodness for little boys--and especially today, for little girls.

Planes and promptings and tender mercies

I wanted to write this while it was fresh in my mind. :)

 WARNING: LONG STORY AHEAD. Go ahead, grab a hot cocoa and some popcorn. :)

I just got back from a quick surprise visit to my sister Sarah's house in California. She just had her 4th baby a few weeks ago and my mom and dad were flying out for her blessing. I had several photo shoot requests there and it paid for a ticket to sneak away for the weekend. Everything just happened to fall into place--the timing, Brandon's schedule, finding a babysitter for Carter, the cheap ticket that was bought less than 2 weeks before I left. It was all kind of fast--but came together in a pretty amazing way.

I checked into the airport and hurried to gate 8...The sign said OAKLAND and it matched the departure time my ticket said. I thought it was right. The boarding was a little delayed, so I sat and waited. Suddenly I heard over the loud speaker, "last call for Rachel Holloway at gate 9". I hurried and raced to the gate next to me--same departure time, but heading to San Diego where I had a layover...and had just not realized. :) I was one of the last on the plane.

I passed a few open seats and then asked a gentleman if I could sit by him. We immediately began chatting and I found out that he is the director of pediatric neurology at a hospital system in Sacramento. Now a few reasons this is a big deal...

1-While we are definitely open to going anywhere Brandon can find a job he likes, I love the idea of being closer to home and my sister. California (the northern area where we are interested in potentially going) deals mostly with hospital healthcare systems, so direct contact with any doctors is really difficult. And we have come to see that many jobs tend to be filled by word of mouth or within the system. So our contact with Northern California has been bleak...and felt impossible. Suddenly, there I was on the plane with a director of a department who actually KNEW people and knew who I could contact! And before we even left he had emailed me his Podiatrist's contact information.

2-At this point we were in Austin. And we weren't even FLYING to Sacramento. So the fact that we happened to be on the same plane at the same time sitting next to each other was nothing short of miraculous to me.

Throughout the flight, he gave me contact info after contact info. I came home with several pages of notes of people to contact in different areas of California, Idaho, and Nevada. Upon returning home, he has emailed me a few times and even forwarded Brandon's info to several people he knows and works with who might know of a possible job opportunity.

After a layover in San Diego, I boarded a different flight to Oakland. I noticed a man a few seats in front of me reading a medical journal and articles about infectious disease (a rotation that Brandon had done and I was familiar with). I pushed aside the prompting to say something to him, since we were nowhere close, but after landing we ended up being the first 2 to baggage claim and I walked over and asked what kind of doctor he was. He ended up being a doctor of internal medicine and infectious disease, as I suspected, and is from Arizona. We chatted about Brandon and finishing his residency, etc. and how he is looking for a job. He immediately handed over a business card and said that in his field of infectious disease he works with lots of podiatrists, and he would be happy to talk to them and ask about any job opportunities.

Arizona...another area we have talked about being. Closer to home. Lots of friends that live there. A miracle to me that we were on the same plane then as well...

So a few hours of flights and I was taking home numerous contacts for more potential job searching. Fortunately for me, Brandon thinks I should now fly more. jk :) It WAS quite funny though because before I left he said, "I can't wait to hear who you sit next to on the plane. You always sit next to the most fascinating people--just watch , you'll go and find me a job or something!"

Now, I don't know if anything will come of any of this. I am well aware that nothing is sure--nothing is guaranteed. But this job applying process has been a long, faith-trying process. For both of us. It may be Brandon who will fill the position, but I am the one running the marathon with him and doing every single thing in my power to email, send letters, inquire about positions, etc. And there have been interviews and interest, but nothing that has solidified into a job offer yet. It is hard to look at those who have gone before and had things seemingly fall into place so flawlessly, and feel like we are working so hard and looking so diligently and not yielding anything yet. But we know we will not be left alone...There is a plan and we may just not see all the pieces yet.

My point is...I don't know that any of this will produce a job. And we may not end up in Arizona or California, or ANYWHERE in the West. And that would be okay--but this was such evidence to me that Heavenly Father has not forgotten us. He knows us. He provided these tender mercies and opportunities to talk to people in areas specific to things we have prayed about. And He knows that we needed just a little something more to go off, so we could work just that little bit harder and contact that one more person in hopes of finding the right place...the one we hope He has prepared for us.

The way I feel.

I have thought many times that I want to write...but then I somehow feel guilty that I haven't updated the summer stuff yet, and then it feels overwhelming to sort through pictures and remember everything, so I don't write anything...

It's just a vicious cycle that must stop. :)

So...I included the picture for interest's sake, and because I promised last post I wouldn't write again without one. The rest might not be interesting, but this is my journal as much as it will be, so here goes....

I FEEL THANKFUL...

for the people who have offered to take Carter for a bit to play, or brought me meals, or picked up medicine for me, or brought over funny videos to help make things better. I hate accepting help like this..I hate not being able to do for myself. But I am SO incredibly grateful for them. And I am SOOOO looking forward to feeling like I can do the same for people in return. 

I FEEL INDECISIVE...

My bathroom is still not decorated--I have about 10 pieces of decor and no idea which way to go with them. It is making me nuts...I just want my bathroom and bedroom to be finished. Done. Ready to enjoy for a few months before we list our house...

which brings me to...

I FEEL ANXIOUS...

About selling our house. About the fact that every dang builder whose throwing together subdivisions around our house now, are offering way more than even our upgraded house can offer. It's disheartening...and frustrating.
About Brandon finding a job. About where it will be. Wanting for him to find a place that's a great fit for him long term...Knowing it really will all work out but just not knowing when or how...it's all a little unsettling. And yet there is peace. I know we will not be left alone...

I FEEL GOOD...

It's been a while since I started this post. So a few weeks later, I am actually starting to feel good. Still some nauseous times, but for the most part I have been able to get myself out of the house and doing things. That's a nice feeling. I was seriously fearful that I would not get past the yuckiness, it hit with such force. But somehow I'm starting to get to the good part.

I FEEL EXCITED...

I have a doctor appointment tomorrow. I am so excited--I think. :) It's always in the back of my mind that something could be wrong...so I am excited to hopefully hear a heartbeat and know things are on track still. I'm SUPER excited to know what we're having--though it's still several weeks off. The suspense is making me crazy. SO, SO excited to find out. I've been really trying to tell myself it will be a boy. It very well may, based on our track record. But it would make having a girl that much more exciting, if it worked that way. We will see...It's been funny this time around. In many ways it feels like a first pregnancy. And yet, we've not given any real thought to names yet--whereas with our first I am pretty sure we had our boy and girl pick well before I ever was able to find out what I was having. I think we will just tackle that topic when we find out what we're having.

I FEEL CLOSURE...

I wanted and waited for a billboard answer to really know I was done having babies. I never got that. And I never had a medical reason to have to be done. It just felt like an open ended story and it was unsettling, even though I had adjusted to life with 4 and accepted that would probably be it. But this pregnancy has been the flashing light answer I needed. This is absolutely it. I feel it. I will embrace it. This is the close of this chapter of pregnancy and babies and diapers for us, iff for no other reason than that this pregnancy has been incredibly hard on me. And something about this just feels complete. I may mourn the close of this chapter when the baby is born and I embrace it as truly the last time, but right now it just feels like it's an okay time to know my limits and to know things are right and good with my feelings of who we needed to bring to our family.

I FEEL TIRED...

Seriously, it's the lamest thing ever to say that the heat is just unbearable when it's the end of October. But our A/C went out yesterday and we are still waiting for someone to come repair it. Last night was hot and miserable...not  "middle-of-August-record-temps-hot" but warmer than I am accustomed to dealing with at night. I know, I know, first world problems. :) Today I realized that not only was our A/C out, but also the outlet that plugs in our outdoor freezer where my stock of ice cream and other frozen goods was. Sigh. Got that turned back on--and just wish the a/c was just as simple. :) My point is, I was hot last night and didn't sleep well. I try really hard not to nap during the day now that I have energy back somewhat, but today I just couldn't resist. I still wish I could curl up in a ball and snooze all day long.

I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE...

in my own skin.
I know I addressed this already. But it's a very real issue for me. I am SO grateful I am able to start eating a few fruits and vegetables now (that my body so readily rejected for many weeks). I no longer need to eat 10-12 meals a day--which I wish were some exaggeration. :) I can feel my needs changing now that I am not sick as much (even when it comes to bagels--which I now can't even eat half of without feeling it's too much. HOORAY!)
But the fact is, I wear this pregnancy all over my body. :) And I still feel incredibly self conscious of that. I've been grateful for friends who have loaned or given me things, but my body is still in a weird "you don't really need full maternity, but you are too chunky for anything else" stage. And the backside of me has probably tripled since the 2 pink lines showed up on the pregnancy test. ;) Oh the woes...
I saw myself in the mirror the other day and thought, "who ARE you???" which, oddly enough, is the same thing I said as I lost all my weight and almost didn't recognize the new me in the mirror...
But this too shall pass...I know it's not the end of the world. It just feels uncomfortable to feel this way right now.

I FEEL ALIVE...

I know I may not ever catch up on everything I should. But I am excited to hopefully document things real time. :) And I am excited to break out this burst of energy and reclaim my house--to do some deep cleaning and organize a plethora of things that need to be taken care of. I am SO happy to say that we are almost done paying down one of our debts from some financial mistakes many years ago. I will feel so liberated the day that thing is paid off! I am so excited for the holidays to come...for the future to become more clear...to take in all that will take place over the next several months.

..and THAT'S the way I feel. :)

Our annual Fall Family Festival--2013

One of our favorite Fall traditions is having our annual Fall Family Festival--which is a really fancy way to say the night we do caramel apples and break the pinata. :) This year we had it on the family night right before Halloween, and as always, we invited a few friends to join us. I made the caramel from scratch this year--yes, I am usually painstakingly unwrapping caramels from a plastic bag--but not this year! And it was SO yummy!!



I know most people are all over the green apples for caramel apples--but truth be told, I am just not a green apple fan. But we usually throw a few in for kicks and giggles and those who like them. :)




(The Hirschi's little boy)



(and their little girl!)


The makings of a fine caramel apple--with the toppings falling off. lol



Kaden's caramel apple


And Spencer--goodness kiddo, what on earth is happening with your hair!?


Carter's masterpiece!



And our friend Clara (Tanzie)--who clearly enjoyed her caramel. :)


After the goodies were consumed, it was time to break open the pinata. I strategically plan this night AFTER our ward trunk or treat, so we put all that candy combined in the pinata and sent most of it home with other people. Seriously, it is candy overload at Halloween and it makes me craaazy! But we love doing the pinata--I bought this on clearance for a couple dollars last Halloween and it's been awaiting it's fateful day ever since!










We loved having friends over and we LOVE our tradition--it's something we look forward to every year. I love to see how it evolves each year and how we change it just a little here and there. One thing is for sure--it isn't fall without our family festival! ;)

The Halloween Party

Way to be original with that title, huh? :)

Sometime in October, Spencer received an invite from a sweet boy in his class inviting the whole family to his Halloween party. We weren't sure what to expect, but all donned costumes and showed up in the later afternoon as indicated on the invite. These people know how to PARTY! :) They had bounce houses and a barrel train, the trampoline and swingset and oodles of fun stuff to do!

     
(my little Iron man)


(Spencer was the Hulk)


They had a dinner catered by Fuddruckers and it was really yummy!



Jenna was...well, I cannot remember what she called herself. A princess fairy?


And they had hay bales set up for a maze. So cute! I snapped this shot of a little Jedi on top of it.



Everyone had a great time breaking open their pinatas and playing together.

And the kids had a REALLY great time bobbing for apples...









And when it got dark, they did a big hay ride out all around the property while us bystanders stayed back and warmed ourselves by the fires.





When the kids arrived back from the ride, they roasted marshmallows and had s'mores.






It was one of the most incredible parties we've been to--seriously so well thought out and planned! Brandon and I talked all the way home about being able to maybe do something like that someday--at least we can wish! :)

Packing on the pounds

This is the last post I will write without a picture and whining about something pregnancy related (unless I go off on a tangent about our insurance and hospital system...that's a whole other can of worms and makes my blood boil)

Yep--I will get back to my regularly scheduled 4 month behind catch up of all the fun stuff we actually did this summer. :)

But I did want to just write down some things that have been on my mind--and well, a lot more than just on my mind...more like all over my thighs and hips and belly and...

You get the idea.

The pounds. Oh my goodness...the weight gain thus far has been fast and furious.

And it is scary. REALLY scary. I've been there. For a big part of my life, being overweight was just how I was. But I worked...hard...and watching the scale go up plays very cruel tricks on your brain when weight has been an issue in the past.

I know what you are saying...
"this isn't the time to worry about your weight"
"take advantage of eating what you can now!"
"it will all come off later!"

...among other things. I have heard them all.

I think it is especially hard because I pictured myself, having lost the weight, and having the cute little belly that I never had being overweight. I don't know that I had mentally prepared for what a life of living on an all carb diet would do to me--but I can tell you know, there is definitely no cute little belly in store. I feel ashamed of myself--even though there is honestly nothing I can think I have control over to change right now. I literally have to eat what I can manage to keep down or what will help me from being nauseous. And it ends up being junk...stuff I haven't wanted or eaten for years. And yet I long for the day when fresh fruit and salad sounds appealing again.

I feel so grateful for this pregnancy--as difficult as it has been thus far. I am so grateful for those who have stepped in and done amazing things to help me out. I am grateful to have obtained some Zofran--that seems to help on the days it is really bad--even if it gives me a horrible headache in exchange. :) You win some, you lose some. :)

In many ways this pregnancy feels like the first time...it has been so many years since I was last pregnant. I have no maternity clothes...and at 9 weeks there is no way I fit any of my pants. My shirts are iffy. It is really emotionally draining to think about trying to look cute even just to feel good for yourself, when you have 2 things that fit, and neither are your first choice in attire. :) But I don't even know what size I am anymore--that whole line about "just pick the same size you were pre-pregnancy" is a bogus lie for those of us whose bodies want nothing but pasta and potatoes and cinnamon raison  bagels with cinnamon honey pecan cream cheese.

I know...that when I get to the 2nd trimester I will likely have better ability to keep down better choices and eliminate some of the pound-packers. I know that I will likely lose the weight again SOMEDAY--it just is incredibly frightening to think about facing that, when I never thought I would have to again. It's just the unknown.

And yet it's the known...walking back down a path I have already been. A scary path. An embarrassing path. I just don't want to let others down...I don't want to let myself down, or have them judge me because they watch me become a life size balloon. :) And truth is, I just know that I cannot compare myself to all these cute little people who have itty bitty basketballs out the front. Nope, this pregnancy is visible on me from all sides. Already.

It may be a long, and heavy, 31 weeks.

Sickness

Oh my goodness....
The more this pregnancy progresses, the more sick I get.

{shudder} Literally, I have had days I cannot even begin to drag myself out of the house to see the sunshine. Poor Carter has become close friends with Netflix and microwave popcorn.

The nausea. Oh my goodness, the nausea. I feel all sorts of whiny and over-dramatic, but seriously it's doing me in big time. Morning sickness? Whatever...it's all. day. long. And in the night. And then back full force in the morning.

I haven't found one thing that cures it. And I find myself going through a food obstacle course every twenty minutes or so...hmm, does an egg sound good? Or will that bagel do the trick? Crackers? No, soup? Maybe. After a bite or two, I re-evaluate...it either hits the spot or makes me gag.

But what has helped?
Bagels. The big ones. No more bagel thins for me. I need a full on carb attack, apparently.
Root beer floats. No idea why...but it seems to help take the edge off.
Pasta. Though I haven't had any...it sounds incredible. Why have I not had this? Oh ya, because I can barely scrape myself off the couch to make anything for dinner right now. ;)
Mashed potatoes. Did I mention this nausea is only helped by an immense amount of carbohydrates? Ya.

Unfortunately, I picked up some Chick-fil-a today and just the smell about made me lose my lunch. That was a sad, sad moment.

I am beyond grateful Carter naps still. Every day we have our naptime...I lay down and sleep--most times only 15-20 minutes. But it's something.

I ended up getting a bladder infection, which the Dr. says has affected my nausea. However, the antibiotic I was prescribed causes...wait for it...nausea. So I am not really getting any relief. It's nausea on top of nausea and quite frankly it stinks. I had fever, chills, and extremely shaky this week.  I do, however, feel some strength today. Feeling like it may be on the up and up...just hoping I can catch a break soon.

A couple sweet friends picked up on my ickiness and were so amazing to bring dinner over 2 nights this week. I don't think I could have managed to make much of anything, and I am so grateful for them.

I remember that I have always been sick with pregnancies...but this one has wiped me out particularly bad. Maybe it's because I am over 30 now. Maybe it's because it's been a long time between babies. Who knows? But I am trying to see the silver lining and say that sickness = health. That ultimately when I feel sick it means the baby is growing. But I do have moments I wish I could fast forward another 5 weeks and feel remotely normal again.

8 weeks now. Still so early, I know. But counting the days as though it were our first, and feeling incredibly grateful despite all this sickness.

Part 2--The "surprise"

Wanting to write down the details of this pregnancy while I remember them...which at the rate my brain is working nowadays, is not long. :)

CAUTION: This post contains more info than many people will care to read or know. Feel free to move along now...

When I said this baby wasn't a surprise, I meant that we wanted it. But finding out I was pregnant was definitely a surprise!

Many people know that I had an IUD put in after Carter was born. And I did fine with it, until I stopped nursing. It was then that my body spiraled into a hormonal state of disaster. Weeks on end I would feel pregnant--everything from sleeplessness to restless legs to nausea and headaches. But I wasn't. It was terrible. I would be okay for a week or two, and then something else would happen. Migraines--oh my goodness, terrible migraines. I hated it so much. But I also knew we didn't want another baby and I didn't have another good solution.

Once we felt prompted to have another baby, I went in to have it taken out. It was one of the most exciting days ever...I couldn't wait to be rid of it. And I figured, even if we didn't get pregnant, I would be done with it forever. Long story short, they couldn't find it. They couldn't find the strings, and once they did an ultrasound to find it, they couldn't grab it. They kept digging and scraping and trying to pull it. It was a painful experience, to say the least. They finally called another Dr in, and he was able to get it out finally, bringing with it a large chunk of tissue. Apparently it had moved and started to implant itself into the uterine wall.

I felt so blessed when I left...that things worked out in a way that allowed me to have it out at the right time.

I waited...and waited...and waited. And my cycle never returned. I was baffled...2 months later and still nothing. Now, don't get me wrong. On any other day that would have been exciting. But I had been told that before you could get pregnant, you would have to have a cycle or two. So it felt like time was ticking slowly by and there was nothing I could do about it.

I decided in the meantime I was going to get active again, and really tackle the eating habits that had gone off track this summer. I was doing good--I had lost 2.2 pounds in my first week and felt like I was starting to get back. But I had also found myself starting to feel icky--I actually thought it was that I had a food addiction and that feeling the need to eat all the time was me weaning myself off. I kind of laugh now. :) Even after losing those few pounds, I started to find it hard to button my shorts. And I noticed my gums were really sore (which in the past has been an indicator of pregnancy for me). I didn't think much of it--but realizing it had been over 2 months and needing some peace of mind to know I still wasn't pregnant, I took a test.

 Immediately it was positive.

And even though there were signs, I was stunned. I never had the return of a cycle. Never. I didn't think it was remotely possible to be pregnant, but apparently it is. :)

I stood there shaking. And then I questioned the validity of my .88 Walmart pregnancy test. :) So I took another.

Same thing. Positive.

I took a trip to the local hospital to make triple sure...a few hours later, same news. Positive. Almost 7 weeks at that point.

I was stunned...excited...amazed. Seriously, the Lord's timing was incredible. And I found it funny during the time I was moping about how the Lord wasn't responding to the prompting He gave me, I had been pregnant all along.

It was a very good reminder for me to trust in HIS timing...and in HIS plan...and that He will often give us those happy surprises after the trial of our faith.

Promises and Promptings

Wow, ANOTHER kid? How many more are you going to have? Was this a surprise?

Things I hear frequently now...

This 5th baby was a very hard decision...not an accident. Not a surprise. Our original "life plan" included 3 kids. That sounded right. But when Spencer came much quicker than anticipated, we both realized soon after that we did indeed have another little one. Our life would not be the same with our little Carter bug, and I am grateful we listened to that prompting.

The more time passed, the more comfortable we became with our 4. 4 is an even number. We have the exact number of hooks for a family of 6 on our Christmas stocking holder. Our kids sleep through the night, don't wear diapers, are independent and growing. Life really felt pretty good...

We had actually had several discussions about how this was good. We were done. And even though I had never had that billboard answer flash before my face that it was the right choice, I was beginning to feel satisfied with our family number and be okay to close the door on the childbirth chapter of life.

A few months ago, I dreamed that we found out we were having a baby girl. It was one of the most incredible, vivid dreams I have ever had. I woke up feeling the most overwhelming joy...a tangible, exuberant joy. The dream opened the closing chapter, and made me think twice. Brandon and I talked about it, prayed about it...it was a topic that we knew carried tremendous weight on our future and our family. 

And while we both felt like we would be okay to have our 4 kids and just go along enjoying the comfortable stage we are in, we both felt that if we would have that 5th baby, our lives would be filled with the kind of joy I felt in my dream.

I am not a sign seeker...I don't pretend to be a fortune teller. :) I cannot even promise we will have a girl--our track record proves that boys are kind of our thing, and if that's what we have we will love him so much! But I CAN say that what I felt was so real. And I recognized the promises that come if we follow promptings.

It was soon after I came across a talk by Elder Neil L. Anderson (you can read/watch it here--it's excellent!: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/children?lang=eng&query=we+believe+in+families)

The words highlighted at the beginning of the talk really struck right to my heart as I was searching and pondering what to do...

I testify of the great blessing of children and of the happiness they will bring us in this life and in the eternities.

I know this to be true...even on rough days. Even when money is tight, and kids aren't getting along and life feels hard to carry. I love my children so much. I feel so honored to be their mother and raise them with Brandon. The frustrations are there many days, but in my core they are my world and I love them immensely.

I am scared to pieces to be walking this path. I am older than I ever have been. ;) I am terrified about gaining all my weight back--especially since I get so nauseous and have to eat constantly to try to find any relief. I'm already starting to pop out and be bloated, and can't button my pants anymore. I am nervous to venture into the rocky waters of sleepless nights and crying and blowout diapers. And it's a little overwhelming that I have not a single piece of maternity clothes, baby clothes, or any baby gear. At. All. And something about the number 5 seems to cross the line from normal amount of kids to BIG family. :) I worry about judgements--about people taking what they know of me and my shortcomings and feel that I would not be a good mom for another child. And I have the anxiety of Brandon not having a job lined up for next year yet--knowing that soon after this baby is born we will pack our family up and move somewhere new...after "hopefully" selling our house. :) There is a lot on our plate this year, to say the least. :)

But judgements, weight gain, sleepless nights, and an entirely crazy year aside, I have to believe that the Lord has His hand in this. I have rarely felt more sure about something.

It's a crazy adventure...our kids are so excited. SO excited. They have told anyone who will even remotely listen, sometimes twice, and they are constantly talking about it and thinking about this new baby who will be joining our family.

Are we hoping for a girl? I'd be lying if I said no. Jenna would love to have a sister. LOVE. And the boys have all voted, surprisingly, for a sister. I cannot promise anything, but it would be so fun to add more to team pink. But blue flies high here in this house, and we would be happy then too. :)

Just going forward with faith, excitement, and a lot of nausea, knowing that there are some incredible promises when we are willing to follow life's promptings. :)

Prego

CRAVING salty...fries, chips, anything...

Could eat chewy candy by the bag full...swedish fish, starburst, yep.

Have at least 3 breakfasts each morning...

Can't bring myself to eat yogurt yet...unless it has crunchy cereal in it. 

Enjoy corn tortillas with beans and cheese, soup, and toasted English muffins...

Have a nap every day scheduled when Carter takes his.

Even then, I find myself asleep just past 9 every night.

I thought we would be able to keep it a secret for a while...

But we have 4 little people who, once they were told, wanted to tell anyone and everyone.

And I've been sick enough that it's impossible to pretend I feel great.

Finding it hard to button my shorts...

I may have to live in a dress or yoga pants for the next few months.

Because this girl doesn't own a single piece of maternity clothes...

Yep, expecting baby #5.

Due May 9, 2014.

What we're up to...

Every once in a while I have times where I just need to do a mass update of sorts...sort of spill all the latest that I haven't written about yet and hope it counts. :)

So here's a little rundown...


Brandon-- is still the Elder's Quorum president at church, and keeps really busy with a plethora of to-do's. :) He is finishing his 3rd month on the V.A. rotation (which we cannot wait to bid farewell to) and is in full swing with job application "stuff"...praying lots that he finds a good job. We have talked lots about where we want to end up, (oddly enough Sacramento is really high on our list!) and have a few places in mind, but we are very open to wherever the Lord would have us go. Now if God could kindly post His intentions on a billboard and let the employee-seekers know about us, that would be really great. :) And in the meantime, if anyone knows of a Podiatrist office looking to hire a really awesome guy, we are interested! :)


 Rachel--School has been in session a couple weeks now and I have felt a tremendous relief! I desperately needed a chance to breathe and gather myself, and this has been good. I feel like I am a much better mom when the kids come home, and I LOOOOOVE having them all tucked in and asleep by 7:30. Dinner has been homecooked almost every night and is always started early in the day. It has felt really good to be productive and back into a routine.
I struggle, however, with the fact that this former Weight Watchers leader has gained some pounds this summer. I feel like I should know it all and do it all, and do it right and perfect...that I should never see the scale creep up and have all my habits in check at all times. But the reality is, I am human. And I was stressed this summer. And much to my dismay, I let some things slide. I am trying not to beat myself up now and to just get myself back on track--which I am doing--but the beating is hard to let go of. I think one of my greatest fears in disappointing people--and in many ways I feel like gaining 5 pounds has done just that, not only to others but especially myself. Just trying to grab hold and get back to a good place...a healthy place. A place where I am not hating the choices I made and where it has taken me. And desperately trying to not be so disappointed in myself.


Jenna--started 4th grade and is such a funny girl. Jenna seriously has her own style and often chooses days to dress as themes. Today was gymnastics day--she wore her cheer shirt and leggings so she would be ready at a moments notice to teach gymnastics should her friends ask. However, at school she realized she had promised her friend they would play horses instead, so gymnastics theme was canceled and she has marked tomorrow as western wear day. Sigh. :) She is in dance with a little group that a friend teaches and loves it--and if I am completely honest, she is much better than we ever thought she would be. It was surprising--pleasantly so.


 Kaden--started 2nd grade and loves to read. Every chance he gets, he loves to grab his book. Kaden surprises me sometimes, because he can be looked at as being shy or timid at times, but he is HILARIOUS other times! Once you get to know him, he is seriously a character. He is becoming more and more big boy, and less little toddler boy. Gasp--my 7 year old not a toddler anymore? :)  His once super chubby little body has shot up and is thin and taller--though Spencer has caught up and even pulled ahead by half inch or so.


Spencer--he is now in 1st grade. His speech is improving more and more and he really is becoming a good little reader. I just had a meeting with his teacher and speech therapist today and they said as of today he is released from Speech! He is still working on a few things, but she thinks they are developmental and will come in time. He often asks to read extra scripture verses in our scripture study, and his teacher said he is above his reading goal already. I have to remind myself that the other little quirks (ie...not liking to do any work around the house) will also come around in time. :)


Carter--this little guy and I have been spending our days together. He is obsessed with the Kindle and always asks to play on it. Some days it is a struggle to moderate that because his cute little face knows how to get what he wants. :) He loves to repeat a scripture verse with us, and wants to be the one to say EVERY prayer. And dang it he is so cute when, if we choose someone else he says, " no, TARTER say it!" (meaning, Carter says it!) Carter LOVES babies and he loves being in nursery.

We're slowly, but surely going through things and wrapping up projects on our house--it's strange to think we will be listing it for sale in less than 6 months. Gosh, just writing that has me panicking. :) It is no secret that we have been worried about selling since the day we bought. I have tried not to stress about it, but it's really, really hard not to. They keep building more detailed homes with more amenities, etc right around us, and it's hard to know that is what we will compete with. But this was the right thing for us to do when we did--I have to tell myself over and over that Heavenly Father will provide a way--He always does.

Thanks to our warm Texas weather, I don't bother with back to school clothes shopping. Pretty much, the kids wear what they already have and we move them up a size when they are ready. But I love having a new first day of school outfit. We did something this year that I actually ended up loving--we scheduled family pictures for right before school started, and the new outfit purchased for pictures was the first day of school outfit. It had them SO excited for pictures--in fact, our photographer got sick and we had to reschedule, and the kids were SO upset. I knew I would be busy with my own photo sessions in the Fall, and having it at the end of summer, although really warm, was perfect timing. :)

It's really hard to believe how quickly time is going. It is a very literal "days feel like months and months feel like days" kind of situation. I am trying to embrace these changes and time as it is...and think I am ready to start reliving some of the good moments that took place this summer and possibly catch up a little here on the blog. :)

Time will tell... :)

Labor Day weekend

Labor Day weekend we were able to have Jason and Mindi come down and visit and we, of course, had to go to the water park. I didn't think I actually took my camera there too much this summer, but after posting all these pictures I am realizing I took it quite often. :)

(Mindi and the kids in the lazy river)



Mindi and Cora


Cora the cutie!




Uncle Jason and David





David--cracking me up!



Kaden




Jenna and Cailyn--these girls love to spend time together!





We have loved our chances to get together with the other Texas Holloways while we live here--they are pretty special people and we sure love 'em!