Quiet thoughts...

Are very much what I need right now.

The kids are finally in bed, the house is still--just listening to the rattle of my ceiling fan and feeling it's cool breeze.

I about fell off my chair when I saw the last post I wrote was on my birthday. What? How? Why does time go so quickly and life feel so busy? Why don't I get the quiet time to write the thoughts that fill my mind more often?

It has been a busy Spring Break...and quite honestly I am feeling a bit frazzled at this point. We have been running all week--busy at the zoo and parks and movies...busy having friends over, and babysitting, and busy  just keeping busy. And I want to write about all that fun and excitement, and yet tonight I just want to write thoughts...feelings...

I should be so happy that it's Friday and that it's the weekend, except that every day this week has been a Saturday, and while I would usually think that sounds amazing, I am ready for Saturday to be over. It has been exhausting to do this Spring Break alone. Brandon has been on call all week, and our time with him has been minimal. He is up at 4 or 5 a.m. and gone all day--gosh, I am so proud of him and all his hard work. It just makes me remember how incredibly grateful I am for his support and to go through life with a companion who really helps out with life. But we will get through another 2 lonely days and then it will be a fresh week...

Holding on for Monday...now when's the last time you heard that one?!

I wish I were one of those people who couldn't think of eating when they were stressed...why am I just the opposite? I am afraid I ate 6-7 cookies worth of cookie dough tonight, one in between each incident that took place tonight.
The head bonk that knocked Jenna's tooth out--grab some cookie dough.
 The bouncing on the trampoline that about took Carter out for good,..one more bite.
 The crying from multiple parties involved in actually hurting the other people,..yep, even used the spoon.
 Finding out that my kids ate every last piece of fresh fruit and I was left with NONE (I know I should be happy...but come on! :)--Better drown my sorrow with another bite of cookie dough.

I am reminded now why I don't binge like that often...ick. I am ready for my weekly WW points to roll over. This week was less than stellar in my book of weight maintenance...just sayin'.

I can honestly say that this week I put my kids first--I wanted to make sure this was an amazing Spring Break for them. If I am honest, I don't always feel like I give them 100%..sometimes things are just too far or too inconvenient, or I am too tired. I am not saying it should be all about the kids every single day. I definitely don't feel that way-- But this week, every day, we went and did and I made it about them. And I am so glad. We had some wonderful times. But it's also made me realize that this life is about balance. I am so looking forward to some me time that has been lacking this week...to get myself back into an exercise routine, to be able to spend that extra time each morning in the scriptures, and to focus on those around me who need love and support...and to keep on lovin' my kids the way they need to be loved. But to find that balance of working it all in.

...And I need to figure out the lighter shade to the paint color to Shaker Beige from Benjamin Moore...my bedroom has paint swatches all over it and it is so ready to be painted. Almost 2 years of waiting...and I am ready to get something on the wall!

Grateful for sunshine and living in Texas right now. It has been beautiful this week--and so many of our friends are buried under snow. Ick.

I worked in the yard this week to clear things out and get stuff planted. I am looking forward to seeing how my new bushes and flowers look when they grow and bloom...I suppose I think that very thing of my kids...and myself for that matter. I have had many deep thoughts working in my garden bed this week...which I will share, when I have another night to sort through all these things running through my head...and another day...another time for quiet thoughts.

Happy almost Monday. :)

It takes a birthday...

To get a new post!

Honestly though, I have reflected much on birthdays lately.

And I have realized this...

Birthdays are a big deal to me. Like, really a big deal.

I remember growing up--I always had something new to wear on my birthday. Always. Even as I got older and was on my own, I always have gone and bought a new birthday outfit or shoes, etc. Birthdays were when life was full of good luck, and there was an automatic spring in your step, and you got to eat off the special plate and choose what to eat for breakfast and dinner--and heck, you didn't even have to make it yourself! There was the year that my dad took wire and wrote out HAPPY BIRTHDAY in Christmas lights, and hung it outside our house so I would see it when I got back from a trip. Birthdays felt magical...

And yet the older I get, the birthday flame flickers a little...

There are dishes to do, laundry to fold, a kitchen to clean, diapers to change...there are still bills to pay, children to get ready for school, and endless responsibility. Life just goes on.

I realize now exactly why my mom would ask for seemingly "silly" things for her birthday...you know, for "everyone to just not fight" or "for a clean house" or "for a nice letter". My kids asked me the same thing..."Mom, what do you want for your birthday?" And I found my thoughts turning into my mother's words..."I just want everyone to clean their rooms without me asking!" :) Funny thing is that I meant it. When the birthday list is requested, there are few things I find myself in want of. Sure, there is the occasional item I have had my eyes on, but I have realized that I am not wanting THINGS, I am just longing for the experience...the magic...the surprise of the day. I want the thought more than anything...the special something out of the ordinary.

Last night I found myself really pondering what it meant to finish another year--and what it meant to be 33. Yikes. 33. How did I ever get to this age? Life weighed heavily on my mind...and I found myself wondering if I have become who I want to be and if I have done what I am here to do. I suppose that's what comes with the territory of growing up.

But the magic isn't all gone...my sweet kids are more excited about this day than anyone...and I love it!

Kaden told me last night that he wanted to look nice for my birthday, so he carefully chose and put on a nice button up shirt for school. And he informed me this morning that (among numerous things on his list of things to do for me for my birthday) he was going to clean the bathroom. BEST PRESENT EVER, I tell ya! His excitement was just too much last night, and he found himself unable to sleep, so he asked me to snuggle him. I climbed up the ladder to his bed and laid down next to my sweet boy. I stroked his face and whispered how much I loved him. It was my last time to snuggle him being 32...And I hope to have many more while being 33.

Jenna was the first to jump up and say Happy Birthday today. She has told everyone she knows that it's my birthday. And while I am certain they do not particularly care, I love that she is so excited about it.

Spencer is excited for a party...or balloons...or cake and ice cream. Not sure. But he's here for the excitement! :)

And Carter...well, his whining and clingy attitude today shows he's not quite ready for all this birthday magic. ;)

So what WAS 32 to me?
32 was learning. Lots of learning. And trials. And sometimes loneliness...oh how I hate loneliness. 32 was figuring out who I am once again. And maybe still not being quite sure all the time. 32 was being a blogging slacker. It was swimming and sun-soaking. It was babysitting. Lots and lots of babysitting. It was decorating, and project finishing, painting, and patience. 32 was traveling--to San Francisco and to then to Idaho three times, and wishing we could travel more and farther. It was experiencing death, and photographing life. It was planting things for the first time, and seeing them thrive (and some die). 32 was delving into the scriptures in a way I haven't for a long time. And it was finally completing my goal to buy a bunch of blank cards and a book of stamps and sending heartfelt notes to others. It was deal finding and treat making and trying to continue a life of healthy living. 32 was dance parties with my kids and rare dates with my husband. It was trying shrimp for the first time. And it was wishing I had never tried Gingerbread House ice cream. :) (dang that's yummy!) 32 was accomplishing some things, and falling short on others. 32 was walks at the park and evening picnics outside and snuggling up to watch "TV" on the laptop. It was growth--which sometimes is painful, and sometimes a process...but is always good.

I am holding on to that birthday magic--even if life has changed a little as I've gotten older. I am hoping to pass on that same excitement and reflection to my own kids--hoping that birthdays are another wonderful thing about living and loving and the beautiful life we each have been given.

Here's to 33.

On trials and tribulations...

I have debated writing about this since yesterday. But it continues to come to my mind and I feel so strongly to write this down. And one thing I have learned is that when impressions come, you act on them. ;)

You see, Brandon has been out of town since early Tuesday morning. And since early Tuesday morning, life has kind of unraveled. :) We spent 4 different days this week in the Dr's office--spending 2-3 hours at a time there. I took a visit to the pharmacy 6 different times. I spent upwards of $200 on co-pays for medicine, not even touching the actual dr. visits themselves. It was as though the little coughs and pains that had gone on for a few weeks suddenly were magnified and needed immediate attention. And that was just part of it...life just felt so hectic and crazy. It was exhausting to do it all alone. And even more exhausting was the fact that I don't sleep well when Brandon is gone. It's like my body just can't make itself go to bed! And if I do, I lay there and toss and turn. So I have been just plain tired to top things off. 

I had a few little breakdowns in the process. What's lame is that we didn't have Brandon around for a month at a time during his last year of school, and I know I am completely capable of doing it. But I have realized just how much I depend on having my eternal companion by my side. I love knowing that when one of us is down, the other is there to lift. And often, the tables turn, and we play the opposite role. I missed having a sounding board in the evening...a shoulder to cry on...a person to pray with, to snuggle, to laugh with. 

So yesterday morning, I woke early to study my scriptures and decided that I wanted to learn about trials (obviously not ABOUT them since I felt I knew plenty at that point)...I sincerely prayed for something to help me get over myself. :) I don't remember how I got there, but I found myself reading Mosiah...chapter 24 to be exact (you can read it here). It speaks of a man named Amulon, who was put in charge of the people in the land. He persecuted Alma and his people, and caused a tremendous amount of afflictions for them. 

10 And it came to pass that so great were their afflictions that they began to cry mightily to God.

So when they prayed, Amulon told them they couldn't--and he put guards to make sure they wouldn't...so what did they do?

 12 And Alma and his people did not raise their voices to the Lord their God, but did pour out their ^ahearts to him; and he did know the ^bthoughts of their hearts.

I LOVE this--

13 And it ^acame to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

 14 And I will also ease the ^aburdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as^bwitnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their ^cafflictions.

 15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did^astrengthen them that they could bear up their ^bburdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with ^cpatience to all the will of the Lord.

So in the night, Alma and his people gathered their things and the Lord provided a way for them to escape . They traveled all day, and then set up camp, where they poured out their thanks to God--

AND THEN...The Lord told Alma to pack up because Amulon and his people were coming after them. So once again, Alma and his people packed up and traveled for 12 days, till they reached Zarahemla and safety. 

So bare with me while I do a little recap--

1-They were afflicted, so greatly that they cried unto the Lord.

2-When they couldn't pray anymore, they poured out their hearts.

3-They pressed forward, and the Lord LIGHTENED their burdens. Same trials...but felt lighter.

4-The Lord promised not only to deliver them from their situation, but to BE WITH THEM.

5-The Lord provided a way for them.

6-They poured out their hearts and rejoiced in the Lord...

This is where the happy ending should come, right?

BUT WAIT. The Lord instructs them to keep going because the Lamanites were coming. I would seriously feel completely put out at this point. :)  But instead of throwing a big fit, they obeyed. They pressed forward again. They trusted The Lord. 

As I read that, it struck me. In my mind I have thought, once Brandon gets back all my troubles will melt away. :) But I know that's just not true.  Often our trials don't have a specific or defined ending. Often when one set of trials winds down, another picks up. We are to press forward with faith, trust in the Lord, allow him to lighten our load, be delivered from the things that are holding us back, give thanks, and ENDURE whatever may come next.

And while this situation doesn't relate exactly to my own, I was so touched by the fact that these people who were enduring horrible persecution, submitted to the will of the Lord CHEERFULLY and with PATIENCE--2 words that did not describe my disposition this week. :) My heart was softened as I read this--and my attitude changed.

And as easy as it is to look back and see the things that went wrong, it's even more evident to me the things that went RIGHT. I can see how Heavenly Father lightened my load while I was bearing the weight of life "alone"...

*We were invited to dinner several times this week...

*Not having to cook much, meant my house stayed somewhat clean and things ran smoothly.

*My kids slept through the night, even though they had breathing problems and coughs that caused them to be incredibly uncomfortable.

*I was able to leave Carter with a friend one of the days we had a dr. appointment

*We have insurance, and a tax return that just came in this week that allowed me to be able to pay our co-pays and get the necessary medicine without feeling the financial strain.

*I was able to talk to Brandon, even if for a few minutes, each evening. 

I could go on and on...really.

Just realizing how very blessed we are. Even in times of trial. Our Heavenly Father is truly aware of us. He knows our needs. He loves us. I know that the words written are true--that The Lord speaks those things to EACH of us even now...to "Lift up your heads and be of good comfort...And I will also ease the ^aburdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs...and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their ^cafflictions."