This post is brought to you by the letter B and the number 29

It's been a BUSY week here--my family is in town and Brandon was working long hours--so we kept busy while he was away! My family got into town just in time to celebrate Brandon's 29th birthday--celebrated with our little makeshift cake. Let's be honest, he's not a real cake person anyway, and if he had the choice, orange push pops and rice crispy treats would top the list--so we made his "cake" out of that instead. :)

The number 29...his age...and the numbers on the candles on his cake. I realized I was missing my number 2, and so we went on a mad dash search that lead to numerous different stores and resulted in us running out of town and settling for a tie-dyed looking one. Oh the things we attempt... :)

We grilled up some carne asada and had spanish rice and roasted red pepper and corn quesadillas for the birthday bash. Was a tasty meal! :)

On July 29th, we went to Brandywine Falls while Brandon was at work--it was a gorgeous day!

Are they cute or what!? Okay--perhaps I am biased. But still. :)

Hiding in their favorite spot--

The boys climbed the fencing and admired the waterfall, before taking off and running all over the place with Jenna...

And my mom snuggled a restless Carter.

I've decided that Spencer is going to be our official class clown--and I am DANG nervous about that! :) He thinks he is the HOTTEST thing in town! lol He ran around with my dad's sunglasses and hat doing jiggy dances and sticking his tongue out. HE. CRACKS. ME. UP.

My sister Abby with Spencer...

And my brother Noah was a real trooper--he took on the challenge of hauling Carter down to the falls... :)
We had a really great time together--it's been fun to get out and about and have the help I need right now. :) I just wish time didn't have to FLY by so quickly--because next thing I know, they will be gone and I will be missin' them all over again!

Taking control

Growing up, I felt that in order to be loved, I had to be skinny.

There is a lot that goes behind that, that I don't necessarily feel needs to be shared, but for so many years that is how I felt...that value came in a size.

I resented this. A lot. So much, that when I was dating and getting engaged, being married, I was out to PROVE that I could be loved no matter what I looked like.

And somehow that need to prove turned me into someone I really didn't like...especially on the outside. I have thought about this for a long time now. I have had several really great conversations with my mom about this over the past few months, one in particular that lead me to feel a great sense of freedom...all of a sudden it wasn't about the yoyo dieting and the crazy fad diets that would make you look glam for a few weeks until the pounds came back. And it wasn't about blaming anyone anymore....It was about forgiveness...and acceptance. I don't know how to explain it, but it was one of the most liberating conversations I have ever had--I love my mom so much more because of it.

Recently I decided to start making changes. Not for my mom. Not for Brandon. Not for anyone else but me. I felt like this was one area of life I needed to be selfish in...because if I did it for everyone else, it would be in vain.

I am not at the point in my life that I can spend countless hours at the gym (nor would I want to...in all honesty). I absolutely hate the thought of DIETS. I feel like that would be setting myself up for failure as it has for SO MANY years. But one way I can improve my relationship with myself is to improve my relationship with food.

I decided that I would just watch my portions. Watch the snacks. Eat a little better. And I would treat my body the way it deserved to be treated.

I tried to do my best with this during pregnancy--This is something I wasn't so successful on in my past 3 pregnancies, and as a result have been carrying a heavy load--literally. I don't expect anyone else's situation to be the same--we are all in different places with different body types. It was nothing short of MIRACULOUS to me that I was at my pre-Carter-pregnancy weight only a few days after having him and that I have already packed up my maternity clothes and put them all away. This has NEVER happened before. But it leads me to feel, EVEN MORE, like this is my time to make the change that I finally feel I deserve.

This has become a very personal spiritual change for me, because I have found that I really do need strength from above to keep up the changes I am trying to make...It has made me see that my Heavenly Father cares, even about the little things.

It amazes me how much more in control of my body I feel being able to master my relationship with food--I was thinking today how great it feels to just take this little step to better myself. It isn't about depriving myself of all goodies (if you know me, you know I love to cook!)...it isn't about salads for every meal and working out 7 days a week. It's about moderation.

I may not see the pounds fall off like melting butter. But I am making a lifestyle change. Something my whole family is involved in.

And this is a change I want to feel proud of--and proud to share.

I have debated posting my weekly weigh-in...the small successes I feel...and the journey I am on. Putting it all out here makes me feel vulnerable, in a sense, and I wasn't sure I was ready to lay it all out there. But I also feel that for the first time in a LONG time I am able to really feel good about progress--progress that I am making. Progress that I am PROUD of.

And so it will go--my goal has been set. I have a long way to go--a very long way.

I ultimately want to lose 30 pounds--gosh, even saying that number has me hyperventilating. :)

{gulp}

So to get up to speed, I decided to start recording from my pre-pregnancy weight since I was back there already.

Week 1 - lost 2.2 pounds

Week 2 - lost 2.2 pounds

25.6 pounds to go!

FOUR...

For whatever reason, 4 kids seems like so much more than 3 when I think about going out in public. I don't really know why, but it just does. We have gone out all together, but I have yet to take everyone somewhere by myself. Yet, after I had Spencer, I took the kids out all together really soon after. It's really just ONE more little person than it was last time--so I have no idea what my hangup is. :)

I am sure I will get out and about flying solo with everyone soon enough--

But especially now, I like having Brandon around when we go on our walks (or other places together)--I am sure we are quite the sight! We have our double stroller that he pushes, and then another stroller for Carter's carseat that I push--and one kid walks. It's our own little crowd. :)

On Sunday night, we all went outside for dessert and to enjoy the beautiful weather...they quickly started a game the included Brandon running around the yard pulling the wagon while they jumped in and out at certain locations--and then would run, chasing it like they missed the train. :)

Part of me wanted to get up and run around the yard too--but I have to confess that this particular idea was mainly fueled by the guilt that I needed to get up and be active. :) But I put the guilt aside and just watched as they all ran and played and I snapped pictures and soaked in all their giggles and squeals...it was really nice. I think there are times in life that it's time to put the camera down and BE in the moment...and there are other times that I just want to be BEHIND the camera and freeze every moment I can.

Sunday night was THAT kind of night.

And to finish off our night, we attempted a picture with all FOUR of the kids. :)

Gosh I love them....

A wee update...

Had to do a little update on Carter--since I have no other book of milestones for him. :)

At his 2 week checkup he weighed 7 lbs 12 oz and was doing great, aside from a little reflux.

He is alert more and more, but really still sleeping MANY hours a day...when/if the kids let him.

He is STRONG. He has been since the second he was born. He can pull his head up really well and has legs of steel. :)

He's a pretty good little sleeper. We've had a 3 night streak so far with him only waking once a night to eat.

I AM SO happy...and while it may not stay this way, it's been nice so far. The magic "trick" for sleeping was to put him in his bouncer to sleep. I think the incline is helping tons so he isn't dealing with reflux and choking on his spitup, resulting in him waking multiple times a night. He goes to bed between 9:30 - 10:00 and waked up about 2:00 a.m. to eat. After eating and snuggling with me for a while, he goes right back to sleep and wakes up between 7:30 - 8:00 a.m. to eat again.

Seriously can't complain. He's been a really good baby so far.

I just want to stare at him all day long to make sure he doesn't somehow look different...because he's growing and changing SO FAST and I am not quite sure when he fits all that changin' in.

And so while there are parts of me that are excited for the smiles and rolling and playing with the kids, there are definitely parts that want to keep him so small and snuggly-- :)

Gosh...he's 2 weeks old already. Where did the time go?

Funny thing is, I ask the same question about my 6 year old...and my 4 year old...and my almost 3 year old...

Wishing....

that we could pack up our little family and drive to the coast...

that we could spend the day in the sun, slathered in sunscreen, building sandcastles.

Wishing we could feel the weight of the wet sand as we bury our feet in it...and the light, silky texture as we run our fingers through it...

and I am wishing that we could smell the salt in the air and watch the seaweed come to shore, and play in tide pools and hidden places, and hunt for seashells of every shape and color.

Am wishing that we could sit and watch the sun setting over the water, to a perfect gentle breeze, with white curtains swaying in the distance from the beach houses on the shore...

I close my eyes and picture every detail in my mind...and wish that today were the kind of day we could escape "real life" and be surrounded by giggles and laughter and a millions memories that you can't ever completely capture by camera--

Just wishing the day away...

Solo...

Today my mom left--

just for a few days (for now...). :) My dad and 2 of my siblings drove clear across the country to pick her up and see us briefly, before taking off on another leg of their fantastic cross country trip to see my sister in Washington, DC and taking in some other East Coast sites.

They will be back next week to visit with us for a week...and we are so excited to spend time with them.

But the fact is, today I am on my own. Flying solo, if you will, for the first time since Carter was born. Part of me feels like this should be a piece of cake--since we have managed pretty well the past few weeks.

But then I think about my mom being here...

...the dishes were always done.

...the sink always empty.

...breakfast served in the morning, often fed to young ones who were up well before I was.

She broke up fights, encouraged the kids when they needed help cleaning up toys, sent me upstairs to have alone time (or nap time) frequently...

She swept and mopped and cleaned my oven and stove...and every time I turned around, there was a clean batch of laundry coming out of the dryer which ended up magically all folded and put away.

She took care of so many of the little tidbits of CHAOS that happen every day, that it made the transition feel truly manageable. And now, it's time for me to figure it all out in a different way.

It is impossible to me to feel that the words THANK YOU could even come close to expressing my feelings for all she has done the past few weeks. It just can't...and yet, I don't know what really CAN.

I just know that watching my mom come in to our daily lives, quietly and selflessly giving of herself in so many areas, has given me a whole new appreciation for motherhood...for where I am at...for where I am heading...

Thank you mom...thank you for all you did while you were here...thank you for being who you are...and for showing me what kind of mom I really hope I can become.

8 days

In the early morning hour of his 8th day of life, Carter's umbilical cord disappeared.

There was much relief in our home once it was gone. Spencer took the most offense out of all the kids with regards to the umbilical cord. With any change of diaper or clothes, he would gasp and shriek and shout, "EW, EW, EW...Black THING!" Jenna and Kaden weren't far behind...

This is the earliest departure of the shriveled black cord ever recorded among our children. However, after the reactions from the kids whenever the cord would make an appearance, I am 97.2% positive that "someone" had a part in the early removal of this little part. The doctor agreed. :)

Either way, the cord is gone now and we were able to give the official first bath...which I actually happened to miss! Jenna took this picture-- ;) and she helped Brandon out with the bath.

Kaden thinks he eats out of my belly buttons...I have 2...or 3 according to him, depending on the day.

And every night when we go around our family circle at prayer asking what each person is thankful for, Jenna insists on being "thankful for Carter". Yesterday Brandon told her that we were all thankful for him, and it would be nice if she could think of something different. So she responded, "I am thankful for our family {pause}...and the newest member".

I laughed SO hard.

Gosh, they are funny little kiddos...

and GOSH, he's a handsome little man!

Thoughts on {post} pregnancy...

I started writing this several days ago...but I wasn't ready to post it. I guess after writing about babies and kids and outings this week, today I just want to write for me...and so I will finish what I started.

The other day, just after having Carter, I decided to try on some pre-pregnancy clothes while getting ready for the day.

I pulled out a shirt--put it on--looked in the mirror.

And I broke down crying.

The shirt FIT around me--but it looked really short (do clothes magically shrink up in storage??), showing off the least flattering parts of my lower extremities...and I looked plain ridiculous.

I tried on another one, just to see--and had the same reaction. I wiped my tears, settled for a maternity top, crawled back in bed and fell fast asleep.

It is no secret that I am so very insecure with how my body is...a feeling that I can't change overnight. So when I weighed myself 5 days after having Carter and saw I was 1 pound less than my pre-pregnancy weight I was EXCITED! I felt proud of myself--for trying to make better eating choices here and there and felt like FINALLY something had paid off. The days passed, and added a few more pounds to my loss--

I started to feel good about ME...for the first time in a VERY long time...even if I couldn't find any pre-pregnancy shirts to fit right (because whether the weight stays or not, your body definitely changes in different ways).

I decided to go shopping with my mom, to find a new shirt to help me feeling on the outside the way I was feeling inside...

It was seriously one of the worst things I could have done. IT. WAS. DEVASTATING.

All those insecurities I have struggled with for years came rushing back--nothing looked right. My shoulders are too narrow, my torso too short, my hips too wide--and it left me feeling so defeated. Instead of celebrating where I was at, I found myself shedding tears at my deflated stomach and awkward body style...and the fact that I am not where I want to be...yet.

I am trying to not let these feelings derail where I was at--am trying to fight back those feelings that I am not good enough, or attractive enough...and to somehow grasp the very excitement and self-worth I felt a few days ago. But dang it, it's hard.

I think there is a weird transitional time after you have a baby...at least for me. My body isn't achy--I feel great--I am anxious to get back in the kitchen and cook up all sorts of concoctions. I am dying to do a photoshoot with Carter and the kids...I am ready to refinish a piece of furniture and tackle what little we can do with a nursery...

And yet, my body could sleep every chance it is offered. :) This is something I haven't really ever struggled with...I am not a nap kind of girl usually. But lately, put me in a bed or on the couch and I could be gone in minutes. And there is part of me that knows that if I jump right in to all the things I want to do, I will crash and burn quickly. Gosh I hate knowing my own boundaries! lol

I know my emotions are still on a roller coaster--I wish I knew how to pull the breaks on that one and climb right off. :) And I know my body is still healing inside and getting back to a normal place...and I know that this takes time. Sometimes lots of time. And I know that feeling guilt over not being able to do it all right now, or lose all this weight right away, or be back to doing everything I want to, won't get me anywhere.

Gosh I hate that I know all these things...I just wish i didn't have to accept them.

Carter...1 week.

It's been one whole week since our little Carter was born.

Gosh I can't believe how fast time has flown.

After just seven short days he has completely stolen our hearts...and we all love him more than we could ever imagine. There is no doubt in my mind he belongs here, with us...

He's a handsome little man...such big, bright eyes...such a peaceful, sweet spirit.

I took these pictures today--and he was just so relaxed about the whole thing. Just laid there with his eyes wide open, until they fluttered shut...and then he just slept, on a pile of towels. ;) I just could snuggle him up and squeeze his sweet cheeks and never let him go.

LOVE. THIS. LITTLE. GUY.

LOTS....

Third times a charm!

Spencer and I had our little one on one time this week as well...

I had wanted to take him outdoors so he could run and play and be a crazy little boy like he is so often, but it was SO dang hot--so hot, in fact, that it made me change our plans to McDonalds instead. (really don't love that place. Period. So this was a labor of LOVE to take him there!) lol

It is interesting to me how different each of the kids are--It's like, all along I have KNOWN this, but going on these one on ones this week really seemed to highlight their similarities and differences in a way I hadn't noticed SO distinctly before.

Spencer was methodical about how he ate his happy meal. Juice box first. Then the fries. And half his hamburger next. He had little interest in talking over lunch. His eyes were fixed firmly on the playplace and the children who were already darting up and down and all over there...and as soon as he finished his lunch, he jetted off to play.

He was up in the maze of jungle gym for a good long while...I kept my eyes peeled, hoping to catch a glimpse of where he was...but he was here and there and everywhere. One thing that impressed me while I waited and watched was how I KNEW his little voice--I could hear him calling out my name and trying to show me where he was, even though I couldn't see him...and when he finally made it down, I could SEE his little silhouette through the netting of the playground. There were numerous other kids, and I was quite a ways away, but I could just tell which head was his. I just knew...knew it was him.

I suppose it's hard to explain, really...but realizing that very thing in the middle of McDonald's was such a fulfilling feeling--that as a mother I know my children...really KNOW them...and that to me, is such a privilege.

I have loved my time with the kids this week--they have each talked about it over and over and are looking forward to our next one on one time...even to the point and trying to slip in an outing daily if possible. lol.

I feel grateful that each of these kids have been entrusted to me...that I have this time in my life when I am able to be a mother. And while it's a hectic and often frazzling role to be in, tonight it's the role I have that also feels the most blessed...

Take 2

Jenna's one on one time was much different than Kaden's. She carefully selected where we would go, and asked me every 3 minutes if it was time yet. ;) We went to Steak n' Shake for their milkshake happy hour--and split a half price milkshake.

I tried to convince her to get an exciting flavor--turtle sundae or peanut butter cup or something that I would love...but she insisted that she wanted to try the oreo shake. And since it was HER day and HER choice, that's what we got. :)

Our conversation was filled with questions--questions about what certain words were, and how the toy vending machine in the lobby worked, and how a milkshake is made...

I discovered that she loves the cherry on the top of the shake just as much as I do--and that she loves our time together, no matter when it is or where we go.

And so. do. I.

Taking time out...

This week I decided I needed time with each of the kids--just me and them. With Carter being born and Brandon starting back to a rotation and things feeling a bit out of sorts, I have really struggled with feeling that special connection with the kids...

So Kaden was first up--he had a free birthday meal at Applebees...(and really, I could use a good excuse to treat myself to lunch there! :)

He ordered chocolate milk with his meal.

He took a sip...and delightfully exclaimed, "mmm, this is sure cold!" with a sly little grin.

It made me laugh...

I tried to have a little talk...to explain that things have been crazy at home. He gave me a puzzled look. I don't know that he really even senses that same chaos...despite my own tears and concerns over the transitional period we are going through right now.

I sat across the table from my sweet little guy. I watched his every move...I listened to his funny comments...and I soaked in every second with him...

And I kept saying over and over, "Kaden...I love you....you know that, right?"...

My eyes got all misty...and I wanted more than anything for him to know that not just in that moment in the corner booth at Applebees, but ALWAYS, that I do love him...that he is so special to me...and that regardless of hormones or sleepless nights or life frustrations, that he is one of my special guys...always.

Dang hormones...

Today I feel like crying. A. LOT. Happy tears, sad tears...all sorts of tears. I could write it all out and spill my guts over everything, but then I think I would cry even more over how stupid I will have made myself look.

Dang hormones...

I just can't get enough...

Of this little guy....

We've been home almost 2 days now...2 whole days. Geesh. Time has gone so quickly.

And it's realizing that lightening speed timeline we seem to be on, that has made me just want to cherish every second with my little man. I know most people insist that you get far less sleep once your baby is born. And perhaps it really is true--but I honestly feel opposite. I sleep way better not pregnant...even if it means we get up every couple of hours for feedings.

I actually find that I kind of look forward to those middle of the night wakings. It's just me and Carter...and his eyes are so wide open just taking in everything around him. The house is quiet--there are no requests from anyone else to "pwease hode baby cawter"...nobody climbing on him or over him or touching his face and fingers and hands.

There is a peace and stillness in those night hours...I can hold him and look in those big eyes and we can have a good little talk...I can soak in his beautiful little spirit and feel so full of love...we rock and feed and then go back to bed.

Gosh I love those moments. And I know they won't last forever...even though sometimes I wish they could.

Baby Carter is HERE!!

In case you were wondering, Carter was born on Thursday (July 8) at 2:32 p.m. Thanks to our hospital not having internet (what the heck!??!) I am barely getting this up--but better late than never, right? But here's how it all went down. :)

We arrived at the hospital about 6 a.m. After doing loads and loads of paperwork and having monitoring and testing done, they hooked me up to pitocin around 7:30 to help get my contractions going…which it did promptly. They hooked up the monitor on my belly to make sure his heartbeat was good, and they had SUCH a hard time with it. Every time they found his heartbeat and got the monitor set, he would kick it (which was SO loud) and move away. He definitely did not like his space being invaded!!! They finally found the heartbeat in a steady spot, but it was SO high that they were sure he was breach. So they called in an ultrasound tech to make sure—and sure enough, he was still head down, just pulling of superhuman contortionist moves.

At about 10:50 my midwife came in and broke my water—which has got to be one of the GROSSEST feelings ever! No nice, slow trickle for me—it just gushed out everywhere. I will leave out all the “awesome” details, but it was not a pleasant experience to say the least!

Then it came time for my epidural. It took SO long to find the right spot—the anesthesiologist kept asking if I had scoliosis or something because when he would ask if I felt pain on the left or right of my spine (when he was putting the needle in) I would tell him—and he would always reply that he didn't understand because he was putting the needle right in the middle and he wasn’t sure how it was going the opposite way. FINALLY, there was success. And I settled in for some rest. (glory, glory for the epidural!!)

I remember fading in and out, being so sleepy until the pressure got more and more intense with each contraction. He still had not dropped, and I could feel him moving down and then back up with each contraction. My dr. came over and checked me about 1:30 p.m. and I was at a 5-6. So she went back to her office. Shortly after that the pressure became more and more intense, and I asked them to up my epidural. They called over to anesthesia to get that done, and in the meantime the nurse checked me one more time, discovering I was at a 9 already. She frantically called the dr. to have her come over—since I have not pushed for more than 5 minutes with the last 2 babies—and my dr. passed the anesthesiologist as she walked in my room to have me push. So much for the extra pain meds!

True to the my last 2 births, Carter’s head came as soon as I pushed the first time. It was VERY fast—all a blur really. I just remember the nurse joking that this was a record delivery of like 15 seconds. I do recall, however, that as he was bring born, he came out squirting a fountain of urine! It was really funny--Brandon says he pulled a stunt like this on him again when they put Carter in the warmer to clean him off and again another time not long after. Clearly we have a little fountain on our hands!

After he was born, they laid him right on my chest--he was very purple when he came out (bruised) because he came out so fast without really transitioning through the birth canal. It was such a surreal feeling to see him and have him there laying on me. Everything had gone so quickly and the room felt like it was spinning. They took him to clean him off and take care of him, and I remember thinking as they carried him away that he looked like the smallest baby I had ever seen. He ended up weighing 7 lbs 8 oz and being 20 1/2 inches long—and officially holds the heavyweight title for newborns in our immediate family.

We had the kids come visit that evening—they all looked so grown up. A new baby seems to do that to siblings…It is such a wonder that the kids all started out a similar size—and it’s hard to believe that Carter will be in their place someday. Life—and growth—and birth are SUCH miraculous events.

The kids all loved him right away. They wanted to hold him and see his pictures and ooh and ahh over him, and they begged to stay with us. Oh, how I know they will love him so much! My heart broke when it was time for them to head home—Brandon helped walk them out to the car and he came back saying they were all bawling…

{SIGH}. Oh how that breaks a momma's heart.

We had a decent night--Carter didn't care much for nursing--was mainly sleepy. Am grateful that the hospital we were at didn't come bugging us all night. They checked on us once and left us alone. It was NICE.

The hospital brought us a special lunch--a celebration meal--with bacon wrapped steak and veggies and mashed potatoes, salad, and a HUGE helping of strawberry shortcake. I'd say, considering it WAS hospital food, it was pretty decent. ;)

We had planned on going home right at the 24 hour mark, but by the time they had come in to do all of Carter's testing and such, it was late--and we decided that the kids would be in bed when we got home anyway, so we would just stay another night. Brandon went home in the afternoon to check in with them and help get them in bed (shoutout to my momma who has been here helping!! THANK YOU!) while I stayed (obviously) and Carter had all the poking and prodding and testing done.

He came back and we watched a little TV and then hit the sack, thinking we would go home early this morning. BOY WERE WE WRONG! We were all ready to go--showered, dressed, packed up, and the one thing we had to wait for was the pediatrician to give the green light. We waited...and waited...and waited...and at around noon, after a small shedding of tears (I will not say if it was Brandon or I...lol) the pediatrician finally came and signed us out--

It was so good to be going home.

We were welcomed home to cute homemade posters and cards taped to the door for me and Carter. Those sweet kids make me giggle. :) They have all wanted to be all over Carter from the second we walked in. Jenna asks me every 10 seconds if there is some other way she can help with him (patting his back, changing his diaper, holding him, etc) and Kaden is always walking around giggling how cute he is...and Spencer just runs all over loving on him every chance he gets. I was practically mobbed when I sat down to nurse him this afternoon. :)

Being together--being home--gosh it's a great feeling. And it's a great feeling to be a family...

A family of 6. :)

Dear children...

With every new baby, I have always written a letter to them the night before they were born. As I laid in bed, achy and restless, I realized I had not been able to fit that in yet. And I know my mind will not rest until I do. :)

Dear Carter,

I have so many feelings swirling around inside right now. I am excited--excited to meet you and hold you and snuggle you. I am nervous--nervous to have a brand new baby all over again, after it's been so long. I am anxious--anxious about facing the unknown that comes with delivery and having a new little one.

But most of all, I am simply in love--in love with YOU and the special little spirit I feel inside.

There is something wonderful about being a mother, and that I got the opportunity to carry you inside me for 9 months. I have been able to feel you kick and grow and do twists and turns. I have been able to feel when you rested, or when you tried to jump on the bed if I laid just right. :) But the most wonderful part about carrying you the past several months is the bond I feel with you--it is as though I know your little spirit already. It is as if I have been given this little connection to heaven.

Carter, I hope you always know that YOU ARE LOVED. You have not even made your appearance here on earth, and yet you have siblings who have counted down the days till your arrival...who have made you numerous gifts and fought over where you would sleep when you came. They have made big plans for you little man...BIG PLANS. And when I watch them so full of excitement over you, I cannot help but feel that you will make their lives so much more than it already is.

I hope you know you are loved by grandparents and cousins, aunts and uncles, and friends of our family...and especially by your parents...by daddy and I. I hope you know that we truly feel this is your time to come here and be in our family. We cannot tell the future or assure that things will be perfect...but you will always have our love. ALWAYS.

I am so happy to be able to meet you today--to see the little guy who made me have cravings for root beer floats and pita chips with cottage cheese, who gave me TERRIBLE heartburn, and who kept me awake much of the last couple months of pregnancy. :) And I am SO happy to meet the little man who I have no doubt will make our family, for here and now, complete.

I love you Carter. I always will.

Love, mom

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

And to my other children....

Dear Jenna,

Today little Carter will be born. I will always remember how, upon finding out we were having a boy, you cried and said that wasn't what you asked for. :) While there isn't a sister on the way right now, it seems like you have fallen in love with a little boy instead--who you insisted be named Carter and who you have big plans to care for when he is here. I want you to know I have found so much joy in watching you really understand and be involved in this pregnancy...in the past you were so little, and I think so many things didn't make much sense. But you are so grown up now--something that is hard for me to really take in sometimes. Somehow, in what feels like the blink of an eye, you went from a tiny baby like Carter will be when he is born, to being this little girl with long blonde hair who reads and writes and talks nonstop about how you are going to change diapers and care for him at night. :) I hope you know that daddy and I are proud of you...we love you...and we know you will be such a great big sister to ANOTHER little brother. :)

Dear Kaden,

I have thought a lot over the past few months how you would respond to having this new baby. And the only thing that I can think is that you will absolutely LOVE Carter to pieces. I watch how you are with other babies and children--you hug them, squeeze their cheeks, give them nicknames right away. You could cuddle them and snuggle them all day if we let you. I adore how you say Carter's name, and how anxious you are to have him here. You check on his empty bassinet often, and giggle just thinking about him being here. And I have no doubt this this little brother is going to be a lucky guy having you around to make sure he never feels alone...We are so glad to have you in our family...you are a really special little guy.

Dear Spencer,

Oh sweet Spencer. You have been the baby for a long time now...the youngest little man...the cuddliest one too. :) I spent this morning looking back at pictures of when you were born, and it is so strange to see you so itty bitty, yet looking so much like you do today. I don't know that I could have ever pictured you being so grown up, by looking at those little baby features. There is much of me that has been worried--worried that you would feel you lost "your place" once Carter is born. But I hope you know that your place isn't gone. You may not be the youngest anymore, but you have a really special role in our family...and that is something that no birth order can take away. :) We love you Spencer...and we are excited for you to be a new big brother.

I love you all...Jenna, Kaden, Spencer, and Carter...

Love, mom

hot, hot, hot

It has been SO hot lately. REALLY hot. Have I mentioned how HOT it's been? :)

The thought of cooking has seemed impossible--we've had sandwiches and leftovers for a few days now--which is a bummer because I had all sorts of stuff I wanted to make before the baby is born. It's even too hot to grill...because standing out there in the sweltering ickiness next to a fire is not my idea of a good time! :)

I think I am just feeling kind of emotional tonight...my mom was supposed to be here already tonight, but her flight was delayed a couple hours. And while I know she WILL be here, it's still a bummer to have to wait longer...

Then there is the fact that we installed the carseat in the car today--and I realized our van is full! Every seat is filled with a carseat. I have to say that was a little bit overwhelming to look at! I had to fight back some tears just thinking about the changes that are in front of us. I am thrilled, and excited! And scared to pieces...

And then there was the discovery today that during their quest to help me clean, the kids sprayed cleaner with bleach in on the nice quilts they have on their beds. So now, all their bedding has lovely bleach spots. I was livid. Not one blanket...not two blankets...but all three. I didn't know if I should cry, or yell, or run away and not come back for the rest of the night.

The thing is, getting so angry about the quilts made me feel even WORSE! The reality is, they are just material things. And if I had to choose my kids or a blanket, I would clearly choose my kids. But yet, in that moment I just couldn't keep it together. I was short-tempered...and really have been a lot lately. Perhaps it's the end of pregnancy playing games with me. Perhaps it's the extreme heat...or the fact that I haven't slept well...but the fact is, I definitely don't feel like they have gotten my best the past little bit.

I. HATE. THAT.

And I hate that I have been flustered with them...because that's not what is in my heart. Instead of just playing on the floor and snuggling on the couch reading stories, I have been cleaning up the stuff from off the floor and pushing anyone who touched me away. (like I said--it's been SO hot!) :) I have been frantically trying to cross of my list of to-do's...because that seemed so much more important.

But tonight......tonight I feel so disappointed with myself and how I have reacted to them lately. I just wish I could go right in and snuggle them all (next to the air conditioner...lol) and tell them that I was wrong--wrong to get so upset about the bleach spots on their quilts--and wrong to put so many of my to-do's ahead of them. I just want them to know tonight, that even though they have struggled with being stir-crazy in this house and I have struggled with emotions and sleeping and life, that I love them and need them in my life...that I would choose THEM all over again if I could rewind life and do it all over.

Tomorrow. Planning on there being a tomorrow that I can try to make this right...to soak in their joy and excitement over baby Carter...to snuggle them for a bit...to listen to their silly stories...and to spend some good moments together on our last day as a family of 5...

Tonight I am thinking...

About how I have only 1 more day to talk myself into taking a belly shot. You know...the ONLY belly shot that I would ever have of myself pregnant.

Trying to get myself to do it...

And yet going back and forth...

Is it REALLY necessary?

Will I regret it later?

Do I really WANT to look back and see how huge I looked?

1 more day...to figure it out...to take the picture, or just move on...

Why is this so hard?

Chalk the walk, a shower, and 5 guys. :)

I have wanted for several days to sit down and write out posts for all the stuff we've been up to. There just really hasn't been the TIME to. We have been BUSY!!! So I figured I could use my middle of the night wake time to play catch up--since I am awake anyway and there is only so much one can do at 3:06 a.m. ;)

It has been SUCH a beautiful week--or two, really. SUNSHINE...Lots of it. We've tried to take advantage of getting out and doing some things, even though sunshine = HEAT! We have a really great library system here, and they are always offering free events, classes, story times, etc. So we decided to hit up an activity they held the other day called Chalk the Walk. They had roped off part of the parking lot and it was a free for all to draw pictures with chalk on the pavement, to blow oodles of bubbles, jump rope, play jacks and marbles, hula hoop, and eat some icy cold popsicles. :) The kids had a great time--Spencer thinks he is a a pro hula hooper (and he instantly claimed the yellow one as "his". Jenna drew some rockin' pics of a caterpillar with an ant on his back. :) And Kaden was a bubble boy to the max!

After it was time to close up outside, we went inside (to cool off!!) and the kids played for a while in the toy section, Brandon picked up some books, and we checked out some movies.

The next day, after running errands all day and taking care of stuff, it was time to head over to a baby shower that was being thrown for me by some extremely sweet and generous friends of mine.

I know it's my 4th baby--and while I do have most things already (or we have learned to go without them over the years), I cannot even begin to express what it meant to me to have the love and support of people around me. I think that was a gift far greater than anything that could be bought--the fact that people came, we visited, we laughed, we ate, and we celebrated a new little guy who will be making his entrance into this world very soon. :)

I MUST give a shoutout for the FOOD. It was all so yummy. There were little quiches, and a fruit tray, and brownies with whipped cream and strawberries, and yummy dessert bars...

And ya know, the whole night FAR exceeded ANY expectation I could have possibly had.

My heart really, truly felt so full of gratitude...and it still does.

And even saying thank you seems so inadequate.

After having an almost 3 year gap in ages between Spencer and Carter, I had seriously forgotten so many of the things you need when you have a baby. I'm not talking bottle warmers or jumperoos either...I am talking BASICS. :) Like baby blankets (after having kids so close and using baby blankets CONSTANTLY for so long, mine were pretty icky), diaper cream, teethers...and after getting rid of or loaning out most of my newborn clothes last summer, I wasn't sure I would have anything to put this little guy in. But my blanket stack is filled (and they are all SO CUTE), diaper cream in stock now, and the teething ring is ready to roll. :) And clothes....OH MY GOODNESS...I was given the sweetest, tiniest little clothes (and some bigger clothes that will be so nice to have later on!!). And between that, and what I managed to pick up over the summer on clearance or from family, I think we will be set on newborn stuff.

I think I could fold and refold all those itty bitty clothes a million times over. I washed them all last night, to put them away, and they were so snuggly. They will be even more so when there is a little guy to put in them. :)

And I am BUMMED that I just realized I left off one of the most amazing presents of all--several friends had gone in on making a beautiful quilt! They each brought a different fabric or helped sew it, etc...and this thing is BEAUTIFUL! It's totally picture worthy--which was the plan, until some little ones distracted me while I was taking pictures of the gifts. :) Will get on here soon...seriously was blown away though. :)

So to all those who came, or gave a gift or even just a card, THANK YOU. It seriously meant the world to me...

The rest of the week was filled with more errands and to-do's. I have honestly started to panic at what I have left to do. It's like I take a step forward and cross something off my list, and then realize I have 3 more things to add. I am sure many of them are silly things, and nobody else would care if they get done...but to me, I suddenly notice...I notice that my walls need washed, and my computer desk is dusty, and I need to put new labels on the toy bins in the play room...and to do that I need new ink for my printer...which has to wait until tomorrow...it's all a funny chain reaction of sorts, really. :) But either way, the list grows--silly as it is.

And I fall further behind.

Let's face it--I will totally not even come close to finishing everything I want to (like, restaining my picnic table!!! lol)...but there's that hope in me that I will come close. :)

One of the big things on my list was to get some new nursing items (a.k.a. nursing bras :) I seriously looked for days. I scoured store after store--and I found NOTHING. I decided that people in this area either don't nurse their babies, or they wear really bizarre bra sizes. I headed out the other day to make sure I covered all the stores possible at a different mall in the area, and took backup with me. Jenny and Crystal and I had lunch at Five Guys (it was my first time there--if you can believe it).

We were so excited to see the potatoes they made their fries with that day came from Idaho Falls--good ol' home sweet home! :) So we dined on our burgers, our MOUNDS of fries, and endless cups of water. mmmm......

We tried to walk it off by hitting up the clearance section in several stores...which we were ever so successful in. :) But after numerous more disappointments in the nursing items department, I went home exhausted.

In the end, in case you are curious, I tried one more full day of looking (p.s. a "full day" of shopping as a pregnant woman who is giving birth in 5 days = 3 hours...max. ) and ended up basically in tears. I came home and just ordered a few online--and hope they will fit. What's a girl to do??

I can't believe it's all so close. My mom comes tomorrow night. TOMORROW! What?!?! So much to get ready....and then we go in early on Thursday to have this baby!!! It is all so surreal...there are parts of me that think I should just be pregnant for a few more months because it can't POSSIBLY be here already...and there are also parts of me that think that I will be a basketcase if I am pregnant one more day (that's the part that has recently plagued my body with morning sickness all over again, and the part that is severely lacking in sleep and energy.) But mostly, it just doesn't seem like this is the week our lives will change all over again.

Well, signing off, and going to write "catch up on blog" on my to do list, so I can cross it off and feel like being up all night was productive. :)

In the middle of the night...

It's the middle of the night right now.

I toss and turn, I am roasting in my skin, and I am hungry.

My body is achy. REALLY achy. There is no position that helps, and so I find myself thinking about taking a nice, hot bath to each the pains. But the thought of a hot bath makes me feel even hotter, and I can't begin to think about doing that to myself. :)

It's crazy how pregnancy plays such mean tricks on you. And it's even crazier that you are allowed to forget such things in between children. :) I suppose some of it has to do with the fact that I am 3 years older than I was when I have birth last time...age can definitely take it's toll on a body!

I have been retold several times this piece of advice--to get all the sleep I can now because once the baby comes I won't sleep at all. All 3 previous children have proven this not applicable to me. I sleep WAAAAAY better once the baby is born and my body is not attacking itself. Even if it's waking up every couple hours or being up for a few hours, the time in between is when I find myself completely conked out! So at least the sleep I AM getting is somewhat restful.

Being pregnant is just a whole different territory...It isn't that I am not grateful to be having a baby....or that I am able to be pregnant when I know others who can't. And I hope more than anything that I have not come across that way through the past several months.

When I was trying to figure out why I was so sick at the beginning of this pregnancy (and didn't know I was pregnant yet) they sent me to a specialist who ran tests, and did ultrasounds and examined in depth my situation and insides--who told me I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome--a disorder in which often times results in infertility. The "specialist told me I would need fertility drugs should I want to conceive in the future.

I. was. devastated.

I mean, there I had 3 kids--2 of whom were by COMPLETE surprise, and could not imagine how this disorder that I had apparently had for several years, would all of a sudden take the stage and prevent me from having any more kids on my own.

Weeks went by--I was still sick. Nobody knew how to help me....or what was causing the extreme nausea and exhaustion. And so I finally took matters into my own hands and took a pregnancy test.

And this time it was positive.

I was stunned.

Hadn't the "specialist" just spent the past numerous weeks telling me I couldn't get pregnant on my own? I was on birth control--I had been on medication to shed my uterine lining--among many other things to get my body back to a better place.

And yet, here I was pregnant.

When I went in to see how far along I was via ultrasound, I found out I had been pregnant for 9 weeks...a timing that landed me pregnant before ever seeing the specialist (who shockingly, and unbeknown to me, had never bothered to administer a pregnancy test!!)

Perhaps I am to a point of WAY too much info for blogland-- :) But I suppose what i am trying to say is that I definitely consider the fact that I could carry a pregnancy...4 times...without any miscarriages or major complications, a HUGE miracle. I may not have endured years of infertility--but I definitely got a very small glimpse of that kind of emotional roller coaster when told I would never have a child on my own again.

I suppose sometimes I don't remember that miraculous feeling when rolling over in bed takes 6.5 minutes and uses the same energy one would use for an aerobics class...or when I am starving and nothing sounds good...or when I my restless legs jitter and ache and I can't find a comfortable position to save my life.

But I look back on this experience--and I look back on how long I was pregnant without knowing--and what the medical chart says my outcome should be. And I know...absolutely KNOW that this time in my life is a blessing...that there is a reason I am having this little one...and that these aches and pains are only but a moment, so to speak.

And knowing that makes the next 6 days a little more bearable. ;)