Week 22 - Motherhood and Mediocrity

This week, with all the awards and recitals and end of the year sports stuff that has been plastered all over Facebook and Instagram, etc., I have started to get that mom guilt for not putting my kids in all sorts of extracurricular stuff.

It is something I have felt really strongly about--the need to cut back, to keep our kids close a little longer, I know my method is not the same as others--and that is okay. Sometimes it is difficult to go against the grain of society. When Brandon was in podiatry school, we definitely could not afford the extras. Somewhere in there, we adopted the rule that when the kids turn 8, they may choose 1 additional activity aside from our weekly church things (Scouts / Activity days). Jenna did ballet for her first 2 years. When we moved, I transitioned her into piano and added Kaden to that. Spencer is coming up this summer, and we will add something else. 

Part of my struggle is that I do have 5 kids. And I feel like we are running all the time as it is. I cannot even begin to imagine if each of them were in multiple things....not to mention the cost of putting 5 kids in multiple activities at a time. It isn't that I don't WANT them to participate. I want them to excel. I want them to have wonderful opportunities and learn and grow. But I also feel this whole world of extracurricular activities has started consuming those precious moments of just being a family. Ultimately, their true value will not ever be found in a trophy or medal or certificate touting the latest skill. In our home, I hope they will find their value in feeling safe and secure in family, routine, and in their relationship with the Savior...

Sometimes when all the award posts and medals and long lists of achievements are aired, and I start to be swayed that I am doing this parenting this totally wrong, I want to get online and post something like:

SO PROUD OF MY GIRL! She is a great reader and a good friend, and has such a creative mind--HURRAY FOR BEING EXTRAORDINARILY AVERAGE! :)

Isn't it ever okay to not be "the best"?

A mom told me recently that she is going to work full time, not because they need the money to live but because she just can't give up the extras for her kids. She was so sad to leave them and go back to work--but the gymnastics and ballet and soccer and music were way more important for her to keep for her kids. I am not saying that is right or wrong...it isn't my place. But it made me look long and hard at my own life and these choices I have made.

I believe so firmly that family is important. I believe that these days of youth are so precious, and that they are so impressionable. Every choice we make as parents will shape and mold how they move forward in life. I am certain some day my kids will look back on how I have parented and probably see lots of ways I am doing this wrong. But I hope more than anything that doing this now the way that feels RIGHT for us will make a bigger impact. 

Week 21 - The rains came down...

This week...

We had Jenna's class play--which she did a great job on! She was the granny in a Little Red Riding hood type musical.

We had a variety of other field trips and end of school parties and such. My goodness has May felt SO BUSY!

We've also had a lot of rain. Lots and lots of rain.



Just when we thought it was ending, thunder crashed and lightening flickered and it was back. There came a point I felt we would never see sunshine again! I was tired of everything being soggy and gray. There was so much flooding in the streets--parking lots missing, etc. But it made me SO grateful for the chance to stay in this weekend. Brandon was supposed to have a campout with the scouts--and while I will ALWAYS support him and do whatever I need to so he can serve, I was really glad it was cancelled. We haven't had an evening together for...probably weeks? months?

Friday night we left the kids in Jenna's care--we're to the point that we can leave her babysitting for a couple hours (not at bedtime) and it's amaaaazing. We went to our favorite hibachi place and ate a delicious dinner, and grabbed some shaved ice from Bahama Bucks on the way home. After tucking the kids in bed, we just stayed up and talked--we talked and talked and talked. No cell phones, no agenda, no where to be. It was magical...

Saturday morning was pouring rain--I slept until 8 a.m. and then we spent the day cleaning the house and trying to reclaim it from what has happened over the past several months of weekly cleaning neglect. I'm talking, good ol' fashioned mopping and rotating clothes in the drawers, and scrubbing down the table, and even pulling out the carpet cleaner! It made me SO happy!

We had plans to go to the library, but with all the flooding in the streets we felt it safest to keep everyone home. Brandon had to run to the hospital when the rain stopped, and was on his way home when it started back up. He grabbed a Redbox movie and pizza and we had a movie night when he got back.

When everyone was snug in their bed, we found ourselves with time to talk, once again. I'm telling you, this was so good for my soul! Our lives have felt like 2 ships passing in the night. The conversation we do have is about if business stuff was taken care of or who we should hire or what needs to happen. But this weekend it was about the future...and what's going right with our business...and where we want to get away to on a little trip...and all sorts of little stuff that probably is insignificant to a lot of people, but was REALLY significant to me.

It felt like I could finally let down all the walls of stress and distance that have built up, and just had the chance to remember how very much I love Brandon--how I love US. He just makes life better...

So on this week of rain and sog and yuck, I'm actually grateful...I'm grateful for the time I was given. I am grateful for a clean floor and an empty laundry basket...and I am grateful for the opportunities I had to reconnect with my man I call my best friend.

Thank you rains for coming down...and lifting my spirits up.

Horses, horses, horses

This week the kids didn't have school on Friday, and I thought it would be fun to take them to the Discovery Center. Unfortunately, much to our surprise, we pulled in the parking lot to discover bus after bus of field trip groups. I could not stomach fighting all the little kiddos with my own, so we scrapped that idea and went in search of something else.

We have wanted to go to the Quarter Horse museum for a while, but haven't had the chance. I've mentioned before, but Amarillo has painted quarter horse statues at various businesses all over town and we have a fun little game that whenever we see one, we yell ZITCH HORSE! I still haven't pinpointed exactly why these horses are such a big deal here--and hitting up that museum with 5 kids in tow didn't lend itself to much discovery, but it was a cool backup plan and we had fun scouting out a new place.









We started off learning about different ranch owners and their branding. We had cute little booklets to fill out and get clues from.



Josie got a little restless, so Jenna took her for a walk.



Carter was really into filling everything out--not that he put real words or letters. He just did his own thing. but it was cute regardless.





The details here were really beautiful--all the doorknobs had these beautiful seals on them.

And the kids LOVED this x-ray type display to show what the inside of a quarter horse is like. It moves across the body of the horse and shows inside in live time.







There was a creepy vet and a talking horse. Nothing more to say about that... :)



They gave us a bunch of coins to use on the ponies in the kid's area. They all loved hopping on and going for a ride.

They had cool displays of different tools and horse-riding necessities...





And then we got to scope out the hall of fame--lots of cool memorabilia and awards, etc.












After the museum, we headed to McAllisters for lunch. Can't beat their .99 kid's meals!
I heard at LEAST 3 times people saying, "THAT is a LOT of kids". I don't think about it often--but it kind of is...I don't think necessarily a BAD thing though... ;) We're told to count our blessings...and mine never dip below 5...well, 6...counting Brandon. :)




It was a fun outing--but truthfully, I came home EXHAUSTED. Somebody tell me how in the world I managed to haul all the kids to all sorts of museums and day trips and such when we lived in Cleveland. I can see now I was blessed with a SUPER EXTRA portion of awesome energy that I am severely lacking now. :) Love exploring our town...and finding some new, fun things to do together!

Happy Birthday Jenna - 11 years

My dearest Baby J....who is not so baby anymore,

11 whole years. WOW! It is interested, you know, that 11 years ago almost to the minute, I was in labor and you were ready to enter this world. I waited SO ANXIOUSLY for you. You had decided that coming into the world was something you would do on your timetable...and you were perfectly content just kick back and relax while I busied myself trying to dodge questions about STILL being pregnant and tried to forget the fact that you were 9 days late.

And yet here I sit, and what I was longing for SO ANXIOUSLY, I find that I just want to yell, "SLOW DOWN!!!" Jenna...you will find, maybe not this year but someday soon, that the older you get the faster time goes by. And if you're like me, you'll find that you want to make those moments count because once they are gone, they are gone. You can't get them back or recreate history to get that exact moment. But cherish your time now--the time that often feels like it goes so slow. Embrace it! Because all too soon, your life will go by like you're spinning on a merry go round and you will reach out and long to find something to grab on to that will help you just stand still.

At 11...you are still a little bean. You still have your birthday outfit from 2 years ago and wear it often. You aren't definitely not winning any height competitions, and I think you're finally starting to embrace the uniqueness in this. Spencer has passed you now--and he's only 7.

At 11 you love to write--you are the creator of cards for every occasion, and you LOVE to celebrate anyone and everyone! You are so thoughtful! When Josie turned 1 a few weeks ago, you made invitations and decorations and got everything ready for an impromptu party. It was the cutest! You are a journaling kind of girl--you find writing and reading as your outlet. You can read through a big ol' book in no time at all, and be ready to devour more. You love to learn!

You have such a great desire to do right. You do such an amazing job preparing your own talks for church and studying the scriptures while taking notes. You really GET the why of living the gospel--and you're a tremendous example to me. You have such a big spirit in a little body. Often I hear you say something or answer with a very thought provoking response and I am blown away...you are such a choice daughter of our Heavenly Father and I feel immensely blessed that He felt you should come to our home.

You are such an incredible big sister. Seriously, Josie hit the jackpot! She loves you--adores you! And I can't think of anyone better to share sisterhood with her than you. Thank you--for all your help and caring and cheering on the other kids. Thank you for your example and your patience with my shortcomings and your desire to do good. You make a difference in this world--you make a difference in my life, I love you for that...and for a million other amazing things about you!

Love you sweet 11 year old girl...may this next year not go TOO quickly. I want to hold on to every minute I have with you.

Love,
Mom

A little of this and that...

In no particular order...a little bit of lately. We had our annual Father/son campout this weekend. Last year this found us in Amarillo while we house hunted, and Brandon attempted to take the boys. Unfortunately, it was hours of driving and not finding it--in a terrible dust and wind storm, and eventually setting up a tent and having it blow down. This caused chaos and panic among the small ones who insisted on packing up and sitting in the van. At almost 10 p.m. Brandon brought the scared, tired, frustrated crew back to the hotel where they crashed on the floor. This year was slated to be better...

.....and then the weather showed 80% chance of rain with hail and wind. So it was canceled. They still had a meeting and the guys got to go out and have treats,etc. but the camping part was eliminated so Brandon got the tent set up in our play room and sleeping bags out and ready to go. The thunder ROARED and it poured, so it was a good call. ;)

Next year will hopefully be the lucky 3rd time's a charm! :)



Got all our family picture prints ordered and put in frames at the office before our open house. Technology is simply amazing. I took these pictures on Sunday night, and had them Tuesday morning, printed and in my hands at my front door step. Incredible.




Oh sweet Josie--had a rough sleep and found herself awake in the early hours of the morning. She refused to snuggle...she only wanted to play with the phone. Technology junkie already?! I refuse to believe this...




We got our sign up--and I am SO happy with how it turned out! Truly it's one of those things that is better in person than picture. I had this vision before we moved in and it was SO awesome to see it come to be! I love it because you can even see it out in the parking lot through our big windows! It makes me really, really happy.



We recently got these goodies off Ebay. This was a big part of my childhood--and I was SO excited to get them for my kids.





Josie weighed in for her 1 year checkup--15 lbs 12 oz and 28 inches tall. We sure love our little bean!



Other than this, we were gearing up for our open house and had tons of work to do! We had some amazing sponsors who provided us hotdogs and buns and chips and cookies--and they brought extra just in case we had a ton of people come. But alas, we did not have the excess ton we planned for (still a great turnout, but the extras weren't there). As a result we ended up with a LOT of beef hot dogs. I think my kids have eaten them for several meals this week--the rest we froze.

It'll be a while before I can eat a hotdog again...

We had rain all day on the day of our open house. The sky cleared literally minutes before our open house started and stayed beautiful until we were packing up, when it started to rain again. WE FEEL BLESSED! Whew!

Due to all the rain, the field day was canceled at Carter's school. Am I the only mom who hates those days? Seriously I did a happy dance...

In other school news, Kaden got an assignment to make a math board game completely from scratch, with rules and everything....in the last 2 weeks of school. Who does that?! That is an October assignment...February is pushing it...But MAY!? REALLY?! Good grief. I'm the parent limping to the finish line of the school year--this one's gonna take all I've got. ;)

Looking forward to some downtime--and time to just enjoy my family without running people here and there and keep up with reading and assignments and such. Looking forward to the small of chlorine and a weekend getaway or two, and sleeping in once in a while, and having time to work out in the morning.

Summer...just around the corner, and can't WAIT! :)

Week 20- Release

The past few months have been a struggle. I bottled everything possible inside and just plowed through. Many times I have shaken my head and put my hands up and wondered...

"why...why is this where I am? Why are we bearing the load of taking over a practice? Why am I the Relief Society president? Certainly there are many more who would be better at this than me. How do I handle everything on my plate? And why does it feel like so much? Why do I feel like I am constantly letting people down? I simply cannot please everyone all. the. time....but why does that hurt so badly? Why do I feel completely dumb looking at the books and numbers and trying to piece everything together in a working world I never expected to be in? I just don't want to fail...I don't want to fail Brandon. I don't want to fail our employees. I don't want to fail my family....or church...or myself."

You know those stress tests you can take, where you mark off stressful situations and then tally the numbers to see how stressed you have been? I am pretty sure our whole sheet would be a big black mark of checks...

Job change? Check
New Baby? Check
Financial struggle? Check
New car? Check twice
Move? Check
Sell a house? Check
Buy a practice? Check
Hire and fire employees? Check
Death of a family member? Check
Move office locations? Check

You get the idea...some days it feels like I just want to run away from all the stress and just BREATHE. I know that's not possible...but it's ironic how I can look back at times where I remember feeling so suffocated by the weight of life and the heavy load we were called to carry at the time, and it suddenly looks like it was a piece of cake compared to what we carry now. It is evidence to me that the Lord truly does prepare us for what is to come. I am sure we will find ourselves in a situation in the future where we will look back and think how this stage wasn't so bad...that's kind of scary to think about. :)

In the past 2 months we committed to moving office locations, dealt with some major contruction issues and remodeled our new place, got everything moved over, had to find and order and put together all new furniture for the waiting room, worked frantically to get everything set up in our new place all while keeping a full load of patients, lost an employee and had to find a new one, and had our grand opening/open house. On paper this sounds like nothing extraordinary. But in real life it was hauling my kids with me to the office time after time, hours on hours sorting things out and approving paint and having to keep on people to get things done right, spending countless hours absorbed in online searches for the right decor and furniture, and hunting for a new employee...oh ya, and running a household with 5 kids and keeping up with all my church responsibilities.

This morning I just broke down and cried. I don't WANT to cry. I don't have a REASON to cry. Brandon pointed out that we've been under so much stress that it's like running on adrenaline and now that our big push for the open house is over, we are able to just let go and release. It makes sense...the fear, the struggle, the loneliness, the anxiety, the load that felt so heavy...all of that finally just working it's way out.

Despite the struggle...the stress....the anxiety that I am doing this whole thing all wrong....I am grateful. This process and where we are at has come with blood, sweat, and tears--but it is the hard work that has brought a sense of pride in what we've done. I feel blessed when I look around our office and see how far we've come, even if it's not anything that others would look at with the same vision. We're going to do good. We will. And we will do it because the Lord has guided us every step--even the ones where it felt we were walking through thick mud and could go no farther...and on days like today where I just want to curl up and cry and let it all go...

Week 19 - Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day!

Over the years, I have fine tunes the list of priorities for gift giving and expectations. I may not get ANYTHING for Mother's Day, and I am totally fine with that. The one and ONLY thing I absolutely insist on every Mother's Day is a picture with my kids.

I still have a good 10 pounds to lose and a lot of work in the gym to tone up...I definitely am insecure in front of the camera. But I love knowing that regardless of how many pictures I end up in throughout the year (which, let's face it--are minimal), I know that come Mother's Day, I will have ONE!

It was a fun Mother's Day--Jenna woke me with a yogurt parfait and a smoothie, all made by her, to eat in bed. We went to church, had a wonderful Mother's Day brunch during our Relief Society meeting, and came home for a light lunch. We had an early dinner--our traditional barbecue. However, the grill flames took over and our burgers were just short of charred. Not our finest barbecue moment...but the rest was yummy!

We got everyone in picture clothes and headed out--I have tried for MONTHS to find someone willing to do pictures. I just don't get it, but Amarillo is lacking in photographers with good business skills who will commit to a scheduled date or return an email...baffling I tell ya! And since we've been attempting this for 4 months without success, I just finally did them myself. Like, self timer, running back and forth in heels, the works. It was really hard....and while we were attempting our family pictures, I got my traditional Mother's Day pictures...still didn't manage to get everyone smiling, but you win some, and you lose some. :)

I loved all the little cards and gifts the kids gave me. I got lots of coupons for back rubs and folding a load of laundry, and other such awesome treats. These kids better count on me redeeming them! :) I'm excited. They wrote the cutest cards and letters and I got a new Ninja chopper to replace my that melted to the heating element in the dishwasher the other day. But the one thing I wanted more than anything, was to get family pictures and my traditional mom/kids pic.

I am grateful for my kiddos. Motherhood is exhausting some days. It's praying hard to do the right thing. It's listening. It's getting up at 4 a.m. to make cookies, and staying up late working on projects and costumes for plays, and worrying if you are doing things right. Motherhood is lots and lots of meals, and planning ahead, and healing the broken hearts, skinned knees, and hurt fingers. It is breaking up fights and working on patience and starting over with determination to be better, over and over again. Motherhood is more love than anyone ever told me was capable of happening...it is the very act of selflessness and service. And even though it's a long journey--a hard one at times--it's a journey I can't imagine missing.

Happy Mother's Day to the women I share this journey with and whose many examples I strive to follow.

Happy Sunday...

Week 18 - To choose good...

I had some clever title and post all ready to roll, but as I sit down to write, it's a jumbled mess of thoughts and questions...it's been a doozy of a week.

Why do some people have to go through the same trial over and over and over? Heartbreak--despite doing the right thing and living the way they've been asked. I am reminded that agency is really not free agency and that consequences are always there. It just really stinks when one's agency affects another. And it hurts to not be able to take away the ache and watch others press forward with broken hearts.

Speaking of hurt and heartache, the older we get, the more friends we hear whose marriages are over. This is always something that comes with shock--we knew many of them when we were newlyweds and life in love looked like forever. We knew there were "statistics" and that things happen sometimes, but it is always another round of disbelief when we hear of someone else who is going through a divorce. Almost every situation we have encountered, has been because of choices the husband made and continued to make. There's that darn agency again. I pray that I will somehow be able to make a teeny tiny difference in my boys--who will someday be husbands (and my girls too--I am not naive to think that only males struggle with marriage). I hope that I can somehow instill in them the importance of agency and how choosing wrong comes at the highest of prices. And my heart hurts for my friends who have been left to struggle through single parenthood and remarrying and blending families.

It just doesn't seem fair.

I know, I know. Life's not fair. :)

Today was fast Sunday. Kaden was struggling with the fact that he was going to go without food or water. We had a really wonderful talk about sacrifice and how Jesus was tempted when he was fasting in the wilderness for 40 days, and how difficult that would have been. We prayed together and asked for help to overcome our natural bodies and be able to give the Lord what He was asking of us. When it was time to close his fast this afternoon, we talked again and he prayed. In his prayer he said he was "thankful for the chance to sacrifice". As difficult as fasting can be, it IS also a blessing. It's a blessing to not just SAY, but to SHOW the Lord that we are willing to go without--we are willing to pray and draw close to Him as we overcome the natural man. He had told me that he was praying we would have a more peaceful home and we talked about ways he could contribute to that. I told him if there was ever ANYTHING he thought would be helpful from US, to let me know so I could know what I should change. We addressed some different ideas and plans and things we want to work on together.

I just loved our conversation today--Kaden has such a special spirit about him. I have always felt this. And today I was reminded of that. He's so wise for his age. He has such deep thoughts and observations about life. I am sure he has great things to do in this life....even if they mostly consist of changing mine. I am grateful for his example.

I looked out the window tonight--it was the parting of the dark clouds and a beautiful Texas sunset splitting them right in half. I looked out and just stared and thought, "how can anyone look at this and deny that God is real?" I look around at the miracles, the details, the things that cannot possibly be coincidence and I know, even though I have not seen His face, that God is in the very details of our life. He is in the sunrise and sunset, and the beauty around us. He is in the miracle of birth, and in the way we grow and develop, and in the amazing advance of science and technology. He is real. I know this. I feel Him in so many things around me.

I long to hold on to this knowledge--to plant it in my heart and the heart of each family member, and water it so it will grow so much that they cannot keep it contained. I know that the more the world walks away from the knowledge of a God, the more tumultuous things get--and the more my kids will have to choose as they become more independent. This scares the begeebies out of me...knowing all the struggle that may lie ahead. I'm no stranger to the hurt that comes through trials and as a result of bad choices. But I pray fervently for my kids...and I really hope they use their agency to choose good...and to choose God.

Happy Sunday...

Josie - 365 days of lovin' you

Dear Josie...

1 year. 365 whole days we have had you.
It's almost hard to feel sad that time is going so quickly when I look at the fact that we have had that much time with you-and there are many in this world who don't have that same chance.

I do have days that I miss your sweet snuggles and the way your tiny little body just fit right tight with mine when you nursed or slept next to me. But I love watching you grow--I love seeing the way you react when people start clapping, and the way your eyes light up when you see the kids. I love how your morning routine is a consistent banana for breakfast, and how you can smell anything sweet a mile away. I cherish the moments I get to watch you learn something new, or copy someone who makes a sound. I love the way you splash in the tub each night and how you're constantly on the go. And even thought it makes me absolutely crazy, I secretly love when you pull everything out of the cupboards. You just go through the house like you own it. It makes me laugh...

At 1 you are developing a very defined sense of taste. You either love something or you don't. There isn't really a middle ground. You crawl SO fast...and have been known to go up the stairs if we aren't watching close enough. You also welcome any chance to crawl into a closet or close a door, and adore any chance to be next to or IN the toilet, swooshing water and having a grand ol' time. No toilet paper roll is safe with you around! The books in my nightstand never stay in the same position for very long, and any electronic device in our possession is quickly stolen away into your hands.

It's a dang good thing you're so cute.

You still have yet to say any words--at least real words. You babble all the time though! You're becoming more timid and cautious, and it's interesting to watch this change. I hope the outgoing, smiley personality makes a comeback! :) You're getting SO close to walking independent of chairs or support. But honestly, I don't blame you for taking a while to get going...you do have 6 other people who are ALWAYS willing to hold you, so it's taken away the need to pound the pavement. :)

Oh Josie--when I think about all the wonderful things you've brought us this year, I feel immense joy. You are an amazing little girl--and I am SO GRATEFUL for you. You have brought a tangible love to our family that has added to us beyond what I ever thought possible. I simply cannot remember life with you--it is as though you were always meant to be in our family, we just had to wait it out for the right time. You complete us--and make our whole family so much better.

While I hope for many, many more days and years and hours with you,
I am so grateful to have had 365 days of lovin' you.

Hugs and kisses and sweet snuggles...
Love you,
Mom