pieces...

Oh so much to say tonight! :) This may be a little random...but here goes.

Yesterday, after a night of kids throwing up, we had to call in a sick day. Everyone
(including Kaden, who WASN'T sick) just lounged around and watched movies and tried to keep gatorade down....until lunch time, when chicken noodle soup cured them and they all begged to go outside on and play. :) Glad it didn't last long...I hate throw up.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I realized today as I watched the kids run down the street after school to meet their cousin Grace, that I would have given anything to have my camera with me that very moment. It was absolutely precious.

It feels lately like my pictures are few and far between, and I just don't have my photog game on. :) I definitely want to try to take it more often...I have missed some really fantastic shots and moments...guess it's just hard because I am usually holding someone or helping someone else, or trying to keep track of 4 little people and the last thing I want to do is lug a camera out. :) But I could definitely do it at home more...

I want my kids to remember their childhood (at least the good parts! :) I want them to look back and have so many memories of themselves...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

speaking of memories, there have been so many funny things the kids have said or done lately, that I have wanted to write down. Can't think of all of them off the top of my head, but one that makes me laugh still is about Jenna. We started writing our meal menu on a whiteboard on the fridge at dinner time. Tuesday night, we had pasta, and I used radiatori noodles. Jenna examined the meal and went immediately to the whiteboard to write it down.

It read:

Spagde that looks like branes.

(spaghetti that looks like brains)

I got a good laugh. :)

And then tonight, Brandon had just gotten home as we were sitting down for dinner, and the kids were talking and talking and talking--we could hardly get a word in! There was finally a break in conversation and I said to Brandon, "how was your day?". Kaden chimed right in, "GOOD! I got to play in the gym at school and....(insert a million other fun things a preschooler might accomplish in one day). We were too busy trying to cover our laughs to really hear him out. It was just too funny...

Then we have little Spencer...little? really? not so much. :) But regardless...Spencer. Oh how Spencer LOVES to work out with me. Any workout video, any exercise. He watches me closely, and then copies the move, and then yells out every time, "I'M DOING IT MOM! I'M DOING IT!" SOOOOO proud of himself. The cutest thing is when he wipes his forehead as if he's completely exhausted and lets out an audible "WHEW". :)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I worked out this morning--did the 30 day shred video. That is tough stuff! geesh! :) But slowly I'm building strength. And then tonight, after the kids were down, I went for a run. I am DETERMINED to run a mile. One mile without stopping. And then 3 miles...and then 5 miles. I'm going to do this...I will! Today I ran .8 miles...so farther than the other day. I was SO bummed I fell short though--because I really was close. Next time I will go with a specific route so I can get that 1 mile. Am getting excited too because I have an Ipod Touch coming my way (I got a free one for opening a bank account here)...should get it pretty soon. CAN'T WAIT to load it up with music! :) Running in silence is sometimes boring... :)

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Brandon's time to leave for another month is coming up again. {insert a deep breath, and a sigh}

I know time will fly--and we will get through it. But dang it, I miss him when he's gone. And I hate how impatient and frustrated I can get with the kids after a long, lonely day. Am really hoping (and praying!) that I can have the strength I need to be a better mom, and get through the time apart. My mom and sisters are coming out to visit at the end of the month (for which I am EXTREMELY grateful). So keeping my eye on that date... :)

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I suppose that's probably it for tonight...I could ramble on forever about all sorts of nonsense. So I better stop while I'm ahead. :)

Just a few little tidbits and pieces that I've been wanting to jot down.

Happy Thursday.

WEIGHING IN - Week 11

It was a great week.

While I didn't get to exercise every day like I had hoped, I was really good about eating--and I got moving every chance I could. Even just little things--like taking multiple trips from the car to the house with groceries, instead of getting them all in one shot.

I was worried about things this week, since I had planned to eat out twice, and it is those times I often feel out of control as to what I am consuming. Portionwise it's hard to gauge where you're at, and it can be easy to just eat and eat when you're placed around all this delicious food. I guess there is comfort in preparing your own food and knowing what goes into it and how much a portion consists of.

But Friday night, Jenny and Travis offered to watch the kids, and we took them up on it so we could have a dinner out. We went to Texas Roadhouse--one of our faves! In a sense, going there was like facing my Goliath, so to speak--they have the BEST rolls ever. And I have a TERRIBLE weakness for rolls. :)

I was thinking back to how eating out there used to be....you know, refills on rolls as often as possible, Get full on peanuts and bread before your meal gets there so you have tons to take home for a later meal...including a stash of MORE rolls. {laughing}. That's honestly how it was for me before.

Brandon and I ended up splitting an entree--(have you ever had their country fried chicken? YUM!) So we split that, and I got steamed veggies on the side. It was SO delicious. And it was the perfect amount for both of us. I had decided a few things ahead of time:

1) that we would not get a refill on rolls. Period.

2. that we would bring nothing home with us. (I want to eat out as a treat, and leave it there when I am done, so it stays a treat instead of a temptation).

And we succeeded with both things.It was a wonderful time away, without guilt and without being completely stuffed!

On Saturday night I met up with some friends and we went to Panera for dinner. I had looked online ahead of time at the menu so I could get a good idea of what they had and the nutritional facts, so I could make a good decision for myself. I wasn't counting calories, per se....just wanted to be AWARE of what I was going to be eating. I ended up getting some baked potato soup and a smoked turkey sandwich. I was totally satisfied, and we had a great time visiting. :)

I am learning a few things about myself. One is that I CAN DO THIS. I can. I can make good eating choices--I can trust myself in a restaurant--I can turn down baskets full of those delicious rolls. Those are MY choices.That is SUCH a liberating feeling.

That leads me to the other thing I have realized about myself this week.

I feel SO alive. My body is slowly shrinking--my clothes are quite loose--and I can do things I don't think I have ever been able to do. My motivation and drive and energy is so much higher than it has been in the past...

I feel so very alive. And that's a very, very happy feeling.

Week 1 - lost 2.2 pounds

Week 2 - lost 2.2 pounds

Week 3 - lost 2 pounds

Week 4 - lost 2.8 pounds

Week 5 - lost 2.8 pounds

Week 6 - lost .4 pounds

Week 7 - lost 3.8 pounds

Week 8 - lost 1.2 pounds

Week 9 - lost 1 pound

Week 10 - lost 2.4 pounds

Week 11 - lost 3.2

Total lost to date: 24 pounds

6 pounds to go!

Small victories...

Today I ran...

I laced up the running shoes that were always just for looks, and I ran.

and I ran...and ran...

I didn't stop once..not to walk, not to catch my breath. I just kept on running. I came home and raced to the computer to mapmyrun.com to see how far it really was.

A half a mile... and I didn't stop once.

Laugh, go ahead. I myself am snickering inside that I am actually confessing this in the blogosphere...a measly half a mile. :)

But a half a mile is monumental to me...

Small victories...tonight that's what makes me happy.

Goodbye Summer...

The other day was an inservice day of some sort, which meant NO SCHOOL! The kids were SO excited!! And I have to admit, I was looking forward to a day of just hanging around the house and not worrying about running here and there and going, going, going.

I let the kids take control of the menu for the day--(well, breakfast and lunch). They chose breakfast sundaes (a.k.a. parfaits--with strawberries, bananas, vanilla yogurt, granola and topped with a cherry). This breakfast is just one of those things that I LOVE to make. They're relatively healthy, for one thing...but the biggest reason I love them is that they are just so dang pretty! ;) They seriously make me smile...

The kids had a fun morning playing together--and we cleaned up their bedrooms together (sometimes this is more work than just doing it myself! lol) And then it was lunch time...we made up a menu to hang on the wall so we could play restaurant.

(an idea that we repeated the rest of the day, and might just implement permanently in our kitchen...all the kids LOVED it!)

We made the living room into a movie theater in the afternoon, and then it was time for outside play while we got ready for dinner.

That evening, we invited several friends over for a farewell to summer barbecue...had to fit in one last shindig before the season changed.

We grilled up some dogs...

and had some chips and snickers salad...

And then we had a GRAND ice cream bar--toppings galore! There was homemade hot fudge, gummy bears, caramel, graham crackers crumbs, toffee bits, nuts, cherries, and all things pb & choc...brownie bits and crushed oreos and...so much more.

And so we say goodbye to summer....

a summer of travel and memories with family and friends...

a time when we became a family of 6.

We say farewell to sprinklers and sunny days and scorching heat...

and to barbecues and popsicles and spending lazy days outside.

It was a good, good summer...

First time mom, the 4th time around

{just wanna love on those sweet cheeks!}

I feel like a first time mom...

well, in certain aspects I suppose.

Like, trying to remember when babies get on a schedule and what the best schedule IS, and how to swaddle them just so, and when they go through growth spurts, etc...there are so many things to remember and know, and so after taking a 3 year baby break, It all feels so "first time" again...

However, I feel like a 4 kid mom when it comes to bumps and bruises and illness. Accidents happen, people spread germs, and life DOES go on without seeing a dr. for every little thing. :)And I definitely feel like a 4 kid mom when it comes to memories of firsts...like, when each kid rolled over or walked or used a spoon for the first time.

I always wonder, am I the only one? Am I the only one who fills out developmental paperwork on my child and answers most of the questions with either a question mark or a one year age gap (ie...between 1-2 years old, or between 18 mo-2 years). I sit there filling out forms, or responding to the person inquiring, and feel like a complete idiot. What mom forgets this stuff?!

I always swore I would NEVER forget the time my kids were born.

uh, MAJOR fail there...the only one I can remember is Jenna's birth time--and that's mainly because Brandon claims there was a 1 minute discrepancy and it's been brought up time and time again. lol.

I had a thought the other day that I would be SO on top of things with Carter--I was going to get out a paper and keep tabs on it of when he hit milestones so that when I am filling out paperwork at the doctor's office or school, I would have all the answers right there.

And then I realized that my big idea was taken a long time ago...it's called a baby book. And I never filled one out in the first place, for any kid! lol

Just wondering how everyone does this...how do you remember everything you need to about each kid? how do you remember how to be a baby's mom when it feels like you're starting all over again?

Weighing in - Week 10

I would say that the food aspect of my weight loss journey has been relatively easy. A lot of it was watching my portions--and stopping the snacking all day, by filling my time with other things and writing down everything I ate. It really made me think before putting stuff in my mouth. Eventually, many of those "goodies" I craved before, didn't necessarily sound good. I also learned to really tell when my body needed to eat and when it was just because...

So I was surprised that as I did my grocery shopping this week, I found myself salivating at many of the snacks I have now abandoned...stupid things really, like toaster strudels and Little Debbie snacks. I resisted the urge to buy them, which was good, but I was really disturbed that after so many weeks of really not having any desire to eat them, that it came back so strong and out of nowhere!

I was also irritated with myself this week that I didn't listen to my body when I should have. Friday night I had my heart set on a milkshake (spurred by the sight of a Reeces candy found deep in my freezer). I was good all day and kept everything healthy and sensible so that I could "budget" in the milkshake that evening. Everything was a go. The milkshake was small (still wanting to keep portions in check) and GOOD, but after a couple sips, I realized that it wasn't the milkshake I wanted in the first place. It was just the darn Reeses cup. And I should have just eaten THAT in the first place, instead of making this whole ice cream treat that I didn't want. I beat myself up over that one...sounds silly, I am sure. But it was a frustrating feeling that left me feeling very guilty.

On the upside of things this week, I had a few days where I didn't even have the desire to have dessert. PROGRESS...because I have a major sweet tooth. I have been loving the Werther's sugar free hard candies. They have a cinnamon caramel and a caramel mint--both are tasty!! So when I have a sweet tooth, I usually just suck on one of those and it gets me by without grabbing a cookie or other calorie-laden sweet. I max out at 3 per day though, so I don't let myself suck on them constantly. :) But it's a really good way to get rid of the craving and I often only eat one after lunch.

The other upside is that for 5 out of the last 7 I worked out at least 20 minutes a day! I did my walking for a couple days, the fitness course for a day, and then I did the 30 day shred for the other couple days. TOUGH STUFF. But I am proud of myself for sticking to it and not skipping it to go soak in a hot bath instead...because in all honesty, that sounded much nicer. :)

Can't believe the finish line is almost in sight...well, the finish line and then beginning of the next 10-20 pounds I want to lose. But for now, I'm gonna focus on the first finish line and go from there. :)

Week 1 - lost 2.2 pounds

Week 2 - lost 2.2 pounds

Week 3 - lost 2 pounds

Week 4 - lost 2.8 pounds

Week 5 - lost 2.8 pounds

Week 6 - lost .4 pounds

Week 7 - lost 3.8 pounds

Week 8 - lost 1.2 pounds

Week 9 - lost 1 pound

Week 10 - lost 2.4 pounds

Total lost to date: 21 pounds {woo hoo!!!}

9 pounds to go!!!

I just want you to know...

That when I write about rough days, it doesn't mean that I think I am worse off than another, or that I can't handle what's going on, or that I need some sort of pity.

It means that for me, for that day, maybe I feel sad..or lonely...or depressed.

Because I am a human being. And I am allowed to feel...

So telling me that "this too shall pass", or "it will all work out" or to "think about all the people who are going through worse things", really doesn't make me feel better at all...

Because my feelings are real--and because I already KNOW it will all work out and that this too shall pass and that there are millions worse off than me.

Sometimes I just have to get things out--get them off my chest--have a good cry and get over it. Sometimes that is the very therapy I need. And sometimes it's just nice to hear, "I understand"...because I think at one point or another, we all have those rough times.

But mainly I just want you to know, that sometimes, I just need to feel like it's okay to be an imperfect person in an imperfect world with an imperfect situation.

Don't we all?

If I could turn back time...

{is Cher belting out the rest of these lyrics stuck in your head now? Sure is in mine...}

I always love listening to Brandon recall stories from his childhood. He often will point out things our kids are doing and say "I used to do that same thing when I was a kid" or "I was just like that as a kid".

I've realized lately that I don't KNOW what i was like as a kid. It's made me feel quite crazy, really...how does someone not remember what they were like? It's almost like watching a silent movie, because I have memories of me in childhood, but there is no personality behind them....nothing that jumps out and says, "you were a daredevil!" or "you were shy" or "you always used to do this..." I just don't know...I do not remember.

Ironically, when I was laying in bed tonight thinking about this, I had 2 memories come to mind.

The first was from when I was in elementary school--though I was probably 10 or 11...I remember that the "curfew" was too short for my liking when I would go to my friends house, and I often stayed longer than I should have...I can still see myself walking home and intentionally changing the hands on my watch so that I could show my mom that "my watch had stopped working and I didn't realize".

and the second memory I had was of me being 5 years old. A friend of mine came over and we snuck over the fence in our backyard and stole my neighbor's brand new puppies (I would totally take credit for 101 Dalmations if it hadn't been released before my time...) I have such a vivid memory of standing in front of my dresser and my parents asking me what I was hiding, and me responding (over little whimpers coming from my sock drawer) that there was nothing there.

Honestly now...was I nothing more than a thief and a liar?? :)

I just wish I could turn back time and see myself as a kid--see what I was like and if my kids have any of my "personality" running through their veins...

{p.s. the picture at the top of this post is completely unrelated....except for the fact that I myself had a nap today, with no picture to prove it, and am now suffering the consequences of such an indulgence. Though, the middle of the night is sure a convenient time to blog. :) }

SAY "MINERAL"!

One thing I LOVE is that my kids, for the most part, really do love playing together and do so rather well. The past few weeks they have spent several hours hauling rocks around the backyard and building little forts and such. But it wasn't until the other day that their masterpiece was complete.

They all came running in to me, anxious to tell me about home they built for the imaginary fairies (clearly Jenna took the lead on this one). All sorts of other paraphernalia was strewn about, and they were SO proud. I got the camera to document their prized structure and Jenna called out to the boys, "say, MINERAL!"

I died laughing.

But the boys just followed her--"MINERAL", they all yelled out, and posed for their pictures.

These kids just crack me up...

(and because we think he's just so darn cute...here is Carter for your viewing pleasure)

Make today your someday...

Over the past few weeks, several people have made comments to me about how they wish they could have the motivation to be healthy, or eat better, or lose weight, etc. Or it has been mentioned that SOMEDAY they will...

It's made me think. A lot.

I used to be one of those people. The person who was waiting for some magical day, before my life could change for the better. I was waiting for a better schedule, or money for the gym, or some other excuse--anything to put it off because much of me didn't think I could make such a big change. Losing the weight I have lost so far didn't just start up on an appointed day written on a calendar. It is something that started a long time ago--and has progressed, one choice at a time.

And I am amazed at how MUCH I have found I can actually DO when I just switch one thing at a time. Yesterday, for example, I ran. If you know me, you're eyes are probably wide open and your jaw on the floor. :) I've always hated running. I just decided long ago it wasn't for me. Period. But I happen to be married to a man who runs 5-6 miles every morning...and who goes on 13-14 mile runs for FUN here and there. And somehow, slowly, I began wanting to give it a little try. Yesterday, I figured I might as well give it a go! Brandon had the day off, and we headed to a mile long fitness course while the kids were all at school. It was challenging, with steep hills and then a straight shot down the other side. I found that it was almost easier to resist walking and go with the RUNNING than to hold myself back. And once I got running, I kept going.

Sure, I only ran probably a quarter of a mile, but I ran. And it felt really, really good.

I KIND OF LIKED IT. {GASP!}

And I am excited to go back and feel my lungs burn and my legs wobbly after giving it my all...

I have so many more things that are on my "someday" list. But I have realized that TODAY is the best day to be your someday. Today is the day to make a small change...to switch things up...to push yourself...to explore something new.

For all of you who were waiting for SOMEDAY to take a step to health, I challenge you to make that change today...maybe you start by just cutting back on sweets...or maybe it's taking a brisk 10 minute walk, or not going back for seconds when you're really not hungry anyway. Or maybe it's buying a loaf of whole wheat bread when you usually buy white, or trying out a new fruit or vegetable--or even just adding in an extra serving of them in your daily eating. The very first change I made when I was trying to be healthier was to stop eating junk at night when Brandon and I often watch TV together. I am convinced that a combo of that and making almost all our meals from scratch are what helped me to keep off the pounds this pregnancy. There are so many small things you can do--and you can start today.

I also want to say that skinny does not always equal healthy--and fuller figure doesn't always equal unhealthy. Genetics play into a lot of this--what matters is how you feel INSIDE. I just find it incredible how amazing my body has felt the past few weeks as I have tried to eat better and get moving. I am still at a relatively low level of working out--compared to others. But every day is my day to try something new and push myself a little bit more. And when I look at how I've felt inside, comparing to anyone but myself gets thrown out the window because I see where I was even a few months ago, and where I am at now--and that's all that matters.

Guess what I'm saying is...well, you've got a day in front of you. You've got choices to make. And it will never get EASIER to be healthier...make today your SOMEDAY start your own little journey to feeling better about YOU.

Anyone in???

Weighing in - week 9

This week, I obviously had the stress of get it done NOW on my brain. It feels as though I have let go of the big picture and been looking at the little details that just weigh me doen (no pun intended!)...and so tonight, I just want to see that big picture again. I want to sit back and be okay with feeling GOOD about where I am at.

In the past 10 weeks I have had a baby, gotten my appendix out, had all sorts of family come visit, dealt with a nasty staph infection and another bout of illness on the side, and adjusted to having 4 little ones. And even with all of that, I have been able to make healthier choices--for myself AND for my family. This puts me 18.4 pounds BELOW my pre-pregnancy weight.

I am wearing a pair of jeans tonight that I bought several years ago, couldn't even fit them over my hips, and forgot to return. But tonight, I'm wearing them--and they're on the verge of being too big!! It is a great mark of progress for me. It feels AMAZING.

It's not just about the physical progress--it's about the mental shift I have made and how my attitude towards food had really, truly changed.

Tonight, I feel good about where I am at...seeing the big picture again and feeling rejuvinated to put forth my best this week and get my body moving more than I ever have. :)

Week 1 - lost 2.2 pounds

Week 2 - lost 2.2 pounds

Week 3 - lost 2 pounds

Week 4 - lost 2.8 pounds

Week 5 - lost 2.8 pounds

Week 6 - lost .4 pounds

Week 7 - lost 3.8 pounds

Week 8 - lost 1.2 pounds

Week 9 - lost 1 pound

Total lost to date: 18.4 pounds.

11.6 more pounds to go!

Enjoying the journey...

I have felt completely overwhelmed lately by numerous impressions, thoughts and ponderings...

My quiet, thoughtful moments to write them all down are rare--and so it's just really important to me that I take this time to get them all out...though I am certain it will be jumbled and likely make no sense.

Where to start?

Well, that's actually a great place...starting with that very question that has been weighing me down. The other day I was looking around at the incredible amount of CHANGE that needs to take place in my life. I stared down the piles of laundry and the stacks of kid clutter...I made mental notes of things I need to buy and things I need to get rid of. I felt this almost physical weight of thinking about the changes I need to make in myself...to be a better mom, wife, sister, friend. I pondered my weight loss situation and how stressful I have made it by putting such pressure on myself to have it all gone RIGHT NOW. I found my mind swirling around each and every thing, wanting...almost NEEDING everything to just be done, and fixed with the snap of a finger. I just wanted to feel peace with where I am at in my life.

And yet, I didn't.

It's not that life is terrible--or that everything has gone wrong. It's not that at all. It's just the stress of waiting...and WADING through the learning process of life and the daily stresses. And it's the panic that sets in when you look at the monumental tasks ahead, and the time that is required to truly be successful in completing each thing.

I want to make sure that I have time to do it all--to change and become better. Because the truth is, for all of us, we don't know when our time is to be called back to our maker. That is something else that has been on my mind lately. I have heard numerous stories lately of people in a similar age group as me or in a similar situation who have lost spouses, children, parents. It's been unexpected in every case. And when I thought we were done hearing these tragic things for a while, I got word that a girl I grew up with had just lost her husband in Afghanistan. She has 4 small children. It is almost impossible to wrap my mind around how one handles death and grieving and then continues to go forth trying to raise small children ALONE. While I have tried to not work myself up over the possibility of this happening to me or Brandon, it's hard not to shed some tears thinking about not being on earth with your partner...your best friend...or to lose one of our children and try to go on living life without their smile and quirks and hugs and kisses.

It definitely makes me long to be that BEST person I can be...I want there to be happy memories of me and with me. And I want to touch the lives of people--I want to treat them kinder and be more patient and give of myself in so many more ways.

...And I want it all NOW! :)

What was that about being more patient??? Oh ya... lol

I guess I just am seeing more and more how QUICKLY time flies. Days, weeks, months. They are here and gone in what feels like no time at all. Even the longest of days where the kids are fighting and I am tired and Carter is crying and crying and crying...somehow those get jumbled in the rolling tumbleweed of time that drift off to the middle of nowhere.

In fact, I realized today that in exactly 8 months and 1 week, Brandon will be walking across the stage receiving his diploma and we will finally be leaving the student status. Don't get me wrong, there is much of me that is SO excited for this part of life. But at the same time, there is a great fear of the unknown. We have been students our ENTIRE married life, which by the time he graduates will be almost 8 years. Our life has always worked on a School year schedule...we have always dealt with financial aid and student loans and being incredibly poor. Life has always been planned out on a piece of paper--what class you need to attend and what you need to study and know. And now, in 8 more months, it will be time to leave all that (except the really poor part... :) . I suppose there is a certain comfort that comes with being a student and knowing what needs to happen next...

And yet there is a great big world with big decisions and big commitments...and we are going to be stepping out into it. And that's kind of exciting too...I just never really expected that there would be an honest to goodness light at the end of the tunnel, because I never thought the time would pass like it has.

So today is my day...because if I don't take it, it will blow away too. Gonna try to start the changes I need to make--because they are very real and SO very needed--going to try to love more the ones who surround me, because just like time, we never know when they will be gone...and somehow, I am going to try to be patient and just enjoy the journey (pit stops and all), because I have a feeling that at the end of it all, that's what's going to be what matters the most.

In the hood...

Motherhood, that is...

The most perfect place in the world to feel love and joy and inspiration--and failure, all in the same place.

I came across this video my friend shared online. This, after a day of me being miserably sick, looking my absolute WORST, feeding the kids canned ravioli for dinner, letting the dishes pile up in the sink, and doing the bare minimal to get by, just really touched me...

and so I wanted to share...

Weighing in - week 8

One word to describe this week.

STRESSED.

There was so much going on--I didn't get in as much exercise as I hoped--I just felt the need to be in a million places at once. I was still really good about food choices. I did, however, allow myself to enjoy small portions of bbq food on labor day, and finished off the yummy meal with 2 cake balls courtesy of a really talented friend of mine. No regrets. I just made sure not to stuff my face and to stop when I was full. :)

But back to the stress part...I had weighed myself partway through the week and could tell this was a slower week than last. It's hard not to let the slow weeks get me down. It's difficult to ignore the constant voices (not looney bin voices...but the self-talk voices!) that seem to be saying things like, "you're losing weight but don't look any different than before", or "you don't deserve to feel good" or "you still have so far to go and the scale isn't moving this week...you might not make ever reach your goal!". I literally was almost in tears on Sunday because I longed to wear something DIFFERENT than my normal Sunday dress, but felt so insecure in the new shirt I bought to wear with the skirt I haven't fit in YEARS. I just felt like I look no different...like I've lost these pounds, but will never be at a place where I look like it and can feel confident in my own skin.

So when I thought the scale wasn't moving this week, that added even MORE stress...even though I know that high loss week and a maintained weight week rotation is perfectly normal. I guess I have just put this pressure on myself to get to the finish line...

The reality is--once I hit my target 30 pounds, I really have another 10-20 I want to lose. I was just too fearful to set up a goal like that and then fall flat on my face. It's got to be taken a day at a time. A pound at a time. And I've got to let some stuff just GO. My exercise goals have to change a little--I really need to start with 2 miles a day instead of 3--because then I won't be disappointed with missing out on that 3rd round each time it gets busy at dinner time, etc. I just need to take a deep breath and give myself a reality check--that I am doing okay...that I really DO deserve to lose the weight and keep it off...and my successful eating habits and changes are making a difference.

Week 1 - lost 2.2 pounds

Week 2 - lost 2.2 pounds

Week 3 - lost 2 pounds

Week 4 - lost 2.8 pounds

Week 5 - lost 2.8 pounds

Week 6 - lost .4 pounds

Week 7 - lost 3.8 pounds

Week 8 - lost 1.2 pounds

Total lost to date: 17.4 pounds.

12.6 more pounds to go!

p.s. for those who loved the shoes I bought--they were bought at Target. ($24.99) And I ended up keeping them...because they make more than my feet feel like a million bucks. :) And I just so happen to think that a $25 investment for a million dollar reaction is a pretty darn good deal. :)

The hottest stuff in town!

For months now Jenna has been trying to convince everyone around her that she had a loose tooth. The truth is, she just WANTED to have a loose tooth.

And yesterday her dream came true...the long-awaited day when the wiggling and twisting and pulling would begin.

She raced around the house all day today, thrilled that her tooth was REALLY loose--she was a little firecracker! And EVERYTHING we did today was to celebrate her loose tooth. At least that is what she thought.

Labor Day barbecue--really to celebrate the loose tooth.

Playing a game--celebrating loose tooth

Eating breakfast--you guessed it. :)

She talked about it NON-STOP.

After dinner she made a deal with Brandon that she would be brave if he would take it out. And so he did.

And she was thrilled...ran all over the yard with her mouth filling up with blood and a little tooth in her hand.

The reality is, it was just so darn cute to watch her be SO excited...I want to remember that feeling always...my little girl, her first lost tooth, holding onto like it were her own special trophy with a smile beaming ear to ear, thinking she is the HOTTEST stuff in town.

Here's to the first of many more lost teeth, Miss Jenna! :)

Carter--2 months

Are you sitting down? I sure had to. TWO MONTHS. Really now? 2 MONTHS OLD?! I just can't believe it!

At 2 months old Carter is awake much more--he loves to tummy sleep and be able to see what's going on when he's awake. He ALWAYS falls asleep when we carry him in the Baby Bjorn and when we go for walks with him in the stroller.

He is making some really funny faces now--though we have not gotten any INTENTIONAL smiles yet. I have a feeling it's coming really soon! :) He loves to snuggle (and we love to snuggle HIM). We think he's weighing in at 9 1/2 pounds (that's what our scale says) and we're on our last pack of newborn diapers before he moves on up a size.

I look at him sometimes and just want to pause time, because he is changing and growing so much, so quickly! But I LOVE seeing each stage come about...and know we are in for some really fun times with him in the next few months.

Just love this little guy!! :)

A mommish kind of day

Today I found myself torn in 19 directions, all needing attention at the same time.

Somehow we managed to get the boys all ready and to school on time, and I raced home to feed a VERY hungry little baby...a baby who ended up nursing past the time we needed to walk Jenna to school. I was frantic trying to figure out what to do, and ended up sitting in my front yard nursing Carter while I watched Jenna walk to the end of the block and turn the corner to where the school is.

Once I had all the kids to school, Carter fed, and breakfast in my tummy, I decided to hit up some garage sales with Jenny. As I was driving, I happened to glance in the mirror, where my eyes met two black splotches. Somehow I had managed to only put half of my makeup on...stopping after my rushed mascara application that left black marks all over my eyelids.

I ran through the days happenings trying to figure out who I might have talked to in person that would have wondered what the heck was wrong with me...and then I licked my fingers trying to wipe off some of the black smudges. Gross. I know.

My day went on...same old to-do's. Pick up the boys, feed them lunch, etc. I had an errand to run at lunch, and so Jenny watched the kids while I ran to pick up a form I needed to fill out. As I was walking in the building, I looked down and noticed that Carter had recently (and visibly) puked all over my pant leg. I wiped it off the best I could, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone.

And then later in the evening when I was helping the kids brush teeth, I looked at myself in the big mirror, and realized it was the first time that day I had taken the time to do so. I had done my hair without a mirror, and realized that my part was crazy looking, and it was sticking out in all the wrong places....Never mind that I never finished my makeup and was going on 3 hours of sleep.

It was just such a MOMMISH kind of day...where you're too busy worrying about everyone and everything that needs done, that you don't really have time to think much about YOU.

The day before, however, I DID think about me...I did some shopping with Carter (where I INCREDIBLY forgot any sort of diaper bag!) while the kids were all at school. I had decided that when I reached my 15 pound mark I would buy myself something new. One thing...

I decided to look for a white shirt...hoping I could wear it with a skirt I bought and wore once long ago, and figured I would never fit again. But now I DO!

The shirt I loved WASN'T on sale. The shirt I didn't love was on clearance. I walked around the store with both--trying to figure out how to justify paying $20 for a shirt...

And that's when I saw THE SHOES.

I can count on one hand the number of shoes I have bought over the past few years--most of them were out of complete necessity. But these burgandy beauties were no necessity--I don't even know if I have anything that MATCHES them per se...but I wanted them so badly. I tried them on. They fit PERFECT...they felt sassy and beautiful...and they weren't on sale. :(

But I bought them anyway.

I brought them home and tried them on with my non-sale white shirt and navy blue skirt. And I felt fabulous....

But soon I wasn't just wearing new shoes and a shirt and a skirt from the depths of my closet. I was wearing guilt. Guilt for even THINKING about buying a frivolous pair of burgandy pumps--and guilt for considering style over function in the white shirt department...especially when there was a $12 price difference.

I am torn between this place that wants to do something special for ME and to have one thing I feel GREAT in, and the place that says that there are so many more things that the money should go for INSTEAD. I'll probably end up returning everything--even the clearance shirt--because I just can't convince myself that it's okay...

Responsibility and logic and sacrifice...just feeling very mommish today.

Remind me....

Today the boys got out almost every single kitchen utensil I have--piled them on the kitchen table, and stayed there playing for almost an hour.

I then found my mini spatula in the backyard this evening...

Remind me again, why we buy toys and such for birthdays and Christmas?