10 minutes

My life feels like it is going a thousand miles an hour. I am tired and so ready to feel relaxed enough that I can sit down and relax and watch a movie, or sew something, or play a game without panicking that there is yet another thing for me to do.

In fact, after my last post, a sweet friend showed up at my door...and upon her arrival my heart sank and I asked, "what did I forget?!" I seriously thought she was coming over to remind me of something, or pick something up, or that she was my ride somewhere. lol. She was just bringing cookies...

And it made me think about my last post--was last on call week especially rough? Absolutely. But unfortunately these overwhelming feelings didn't go away when he handed off the pager. Part of it is just life right now....and I am anxious to get caught up to the point that I don't feel like a chicken running with her head cut off. P.S. Brandon is on call again this week. lol. Sigh....good times. :)

I have been particularly busy this Fall with photography (picture above is one of my favorites from this Fall!)--far busier than I ever could have anticipated. And in many ways it has been a blessing. I got behind the camera again and learned so much about the business aspect of this and what I do and DON'T like. I have been trying to figure out if making this a business is really for me. No real answer yet--but I do know that I have been swamped. I had 5 sessions last week alone. These past few days have been spent getting those last sessions out for Christmas cards--and I have practically lived at my computer, editing sessions, and checking Facebook during moments in between when my eyes couldn't look at another picture!

I am so ready to be back to low key me....

and with only 4 minutes left, let's get past this heavy duty stuff and move on to some fluff that's been on my mind.

...My bedroom looks like a UPS store. It is seriously a disaster--but proof that Black Friday yielded some AWESOME deals online (and for some reason, the stores chose to ship things in different boxes rather than all together) Yet another thing I need to sort through and take care of when I finish all these sessions.

December stinks in the money department. I know, I know...everyone feels that way, right? :) But seriously, I sent a big chunk of change to renew our car insurance, Brandon will have to pay out $1000 to take his medical boards this month, and it's Christmas, and....ya. December stinks. lol :) I just don't believe everything should come due at one time! ;)

I wore jeans yesterday and felt like patting myself on the back. I could have worn yoga pants, or pajamas, or the knit skirt I picked up on clearance at Old Navy. But I wore jeans. Bravo, Rachel. Bravo.

My kids are funny. I know everyone's kids are...but I wish I had a recorder to document everything they say. It is seriously funny.

I got rid of the baby crib and with it went Carter's consistent 3 hour daily nap. That wouldn't be so bad, except that he NEEDS that nap. And I need him to HAVE that nap. Bedtime is a breeze. But nap time, all bets are off.

I am so looking forward to my trip to my sister's house in San Fransisco...I desperately need a vacation. And even though it won't be incredibly long, I am so ready for a few kid free days. I am crossing fingers I come back to a potty trained little boy (who will perhaps take naps again). Brandon is seriously the toilet training king--not even going to lie. :)

How was it 82 degrees on Monday, and 28 this morning? Brrrr.....

DANG time flies...and mine is gone.

Here's to a productive day... :)

On call...

I wrote this post several days ago...but I decided that posting about it while I was right in the middle of things wasn't the best idea. It wasn't until I was sitting down eating my mom's home canned apple pie filling in a warm apple crisp for dessert and knowing that in a few more hours, this week would be DONE, that I decided I could do it...comfort from thoughts of home + comfort from thoughts of a fresh week = life is okay again.


I have had a week...it isn't that it's been a bad week. It hasn't been a particularly great week either. It's just been a week. I was thinking about this tonight as I was cleaning the house...there are times in life where things feel really hard. Emotions run high and just putting one foot in front of the other and having faith to move forward feels like the most difficult thing ever. But you feel you're alive because you can FEEL your heart is breaking, or it's a tangible feeling of being impossible to breathe because things are weighing so heavily on you...Then there are times in life where things are going great, and you're cruising along downhill with the breeze blowing in your face and the sunshine beaming down on you and life feels free and good and full, and you can't help but feel so alive.

And then there are times like this week...

Where there is good. And you see it. But deep down you don't feel it. You don't feel much of anything. It's as though your senses are dulled and emotions are flatlined. The bad feels...just okay. And the good feels...just okay. It is weeks like this where I feel like I have hardly tasted a bite of the food I have eaten...and there is a tremendous amount of guilt over the AMOUNT of food I have eaten, and what we have eaten...as I moved like a robot through the to-do's of the week, to just get by. And then part of me shoves that guilt aside and says, "SO WHAT?! You CANNOT tell me I am the only one in the world who has served macaroni and cheese 2 nights in a row and eaten 5 homemade tortillas and 2 bowls of icecream in one day!"

And then I am back...to the flatline status again. Just getting by. Making it through. Doing what I can do.

My routine has been messed up--the beeper going off in the night, the puking kid, the kiddos transitioning to a big boy bed. It's just been off.

But I have also been able to get caught up with some things this week. I am almost done Christmas shopping, I scored some bargains online, which is always nice. I bought my plane ticket to visit my sister in San Fransisco and then to Idaho for my other sister's wedding...I mean, good things did happen!

So it frustrates me that I feel so lifeless right now. I suppose there isn't a specific thing to pinpoint...but popping up on my radar is...

On-call week...

Where Brandon carries the pager, gets late night calls and is busy, busy, busy. I am pretty sure the kids have seen him only a few times this week...he is always long gone before I get up at 6 a.m., and he drops in to bed the first chance he gets. Could be 8:30. Could be 10. And he could be called in sometime after that. It can be a stressful week. A week of uncertainty. We never know his schedule...he may be there for dinner, may not. Usually not. And while it's not sunshine and roses, so to speak, I have accepted it as part of life. It just IS. And it's OKAY. But sometimes it does take turning off the idea that I will make a home cooked dinner every night, or be incredibly patient with myself or others, or feel on top of the world. :)

I have been trying to think of a positive spin for this. The only thing I could come up with was calling it my "alone time" week. Having a time where you just want to be alone? Wait for an on-call week! Want to sprawl out and have the bed to yourself? On-call week it is! Time for blogging? YES! On-call week! lol

I really am okay to step up and do whatever it takes to get through the week, basically alone. I know it's part of life right now...and I am so grateful for that part of life that is giving him the training he needs to be a successful podiatrist. But maybe that's why I just feel that shut-down...and just go into auto mode, and just get by. I don't know...

I am sure I will be back to salads and meal planning and my daily walk--and feeling like I can turn back into myself again. And until then, I am counting down the hours till Monday morning... :)

Fall Family Festival...

A.K.A. the night we have our candy apple bar and do all sorts of fun family stuff in the month of October.

In the past few years, we've changed our tradition from the BIG apple to apple slices, for ease of eating and decorating. And it's worked wonders! :) 

WE. LOVE. THIS. TRADITION! :)

 

Well, most of us. Gotta say, Carter was hesitant to say the least. lol. 

(p.s. the little brown spot in his hair--ya, that IS his hair. He has the cutest little patch of dark hair. It is SO funny and I have no idea HOW this is...but it's there. Though, it does look a little darker in the picture than in real life. Most people think it's a shadow... :) Still makes me laugh)

Kaden got very artistic with his apple...

And Jenna is always an "add as much as possible" kind of girl.. :)

ah-ha....someone warming up to the idea...or just the candy... :)

And oh Kaden...he is in a "spread my arms wide and make a cheesy face" stage and I am pretty sure 99% of the pictures we take has him making that same face. :)

See??? :) And see the other awesome people who got to spend this time with us? We were SO happy to not only have Jenny and Travis, but Grandma Lita and Papa too! (Brandon's parents). We miss seeing family and having them near, and this particular weekend was SO wonderful!

And then came a NEW tradition...the Pinata. I picked this up for a super sweet deal from a consignment page, and we loaded it with our trunk or treat candy from a few days prior. It was a TOUGH little mummy...and there were plenty of turns to swing the bat...

THE LOOT!

We all had such a fun time--it's definitely a welcome part to this tradition and something I hope we can carry on for a long, long time...I already picked up a pinata for next year at the Halloween clearance, for only $2.50! :)

I am so grateful for family, for tradition, for the things that make us who we are and the memories we make together.

The lucky one...

It's kind of funny, really...they usually say the youngest is the lucky one. The spoiled one. The one who gets a different side of life than said older siblings. And while I have seen that from the child side of things, I am starting to see that from the parent side now... 

 See, when Jenna was born, Brandon and I were both in school full time. We were managing guys housing. I had an Ebay business. There was lots going on. And I loved my time with her--she was the first, so everything was a FIRST. But I also hadn't had a baby before...I was in learning mode 100%. And it felt sometimes like juggling everything else and figuring out what to do with a baby in the mix, was kind of a learning curve for me.

Then Kaden came along. I had graduated college, and things had slowed down a little bit...And only a few months later I was pregnant with Spencer. So by the time Spencer was born, Kaden was mischievous. He was into anything and EVERYTHING, and Jenna was barely 3 years old. And Brandon had just started medical school. So life was REALLY busy. A totally different dynamic--where my days were spent elbows deep in diapers and sippy cups and coordinating nap times. 

 Then there was a space in babies...35 months, to be exact. And over the past 2 years, they've all started school and are gone all day long. It's different to have only 1 at home. It's quiet and peaceful during nap time. I adore the fact that there is only one kid to haul around here and there, to the grocery store or the craft store or play group. Not that I don't want or love my other 3, but it's a nice change of pace--it's given me a renewed sense of love for motherhood. And I kind of feel like I see things different the 4th time around. I am much more relaxed in many ways, and yet much more observant. I fully recognize that Carter will quite possibly be our last baby--so watching him grow is different than watching my first. And as a result, it's really helped me savor each child at each age. I love the days he and I get to spend going on little field trips, or our daily walk at the park, or just hanging out reading stories or playing with trains. I cannot deny that I love my days with this little man...

(our little field trip with friends to the grocery store)

Our morning walks at the park...

I am truly grateful for this break from the busy in life, so to speak. Regardless of how much I have going on through the days, which is often still MUCH, I know that there are a few quiet hours each day for just Carter and I. And I am so grateful for this. For having another chance to see childhood and motherhood in a different light. To make new memories and remember the old. To learn and realize the growth that comes at each age and stage.

And the truth is, it isn't him that necessarily has it good...it's ME who's the lucky one!

Friday Night Lights...

I am embarrassed to say how long these pictures have sat on my computer. Over a month, if I'm honest. Yikes.

Jenna...she's a cheer girl. She loves it. She looks forward to the cheer clinic at the school every year and is constantly chanting poems or making her own cheers. It's super cute... ;)

They always let the cheer girls take part in a game, which Jenna was SO excited about. We weren't sure if it would happen or not, but last minute Brandon got home in time and we were able to swing it, so Jenna and I hopped in the car and headed out. I love her ability to roll with what we've got. I probably would have whined if the only leggings I own were zebra striped. Jenna put them on and strutted her stuff like it was the latest fashion trend. Love that girl!

Jenna with her friend Sloan. (Jenna is seriously a head shorter than everyone else her age! lol)

And moving on for a second...mums.

It's a southern thing, I believe. And it's strange to me. Like, the most giant bouquets with ribbon and all sorts of hooplah, and people wear them on their bodies. 

But they were everywhere! Very fascinating. I wish I understood all that goes on behind their history and the WHY this all goes down. Someone said a guy gives it to his girl and the size is based on how much he likes her. No idea what the real scoop is...but it's a funny tradition. :)

I can't say we've ever gone to a football game. Our kids are always in bed early and we call it a night. So it was kind of fun to go watch a game--at least the first half--and I just wished I had someone to keep me company. I'm not gonna lie...me (the non-sports girl) got pretty into it!

Jenna got to the point that she was so exhausted...right around 7:45. lol. She was practically falling asleep on the way to the car when the first quarter was over. But it reconfirmed why we don't go out after 7 p.m. on a regular basis. :)

Love this girl! Her sweet spirit and beautiful personality are so contagious!! :)

The great pumpkin {patch}

First off, this post is dedicated to my Grandma Lorraine--who so diligently searches for an update from me. :) While I cannot make time stop or get everything done every single day of the year, today seemed like the perfect day to set aside some time for me...and my neglected blog...and my sweet Grandma. :) So here goes a little updating!!

We took the kids on a beautiful Saturday to the local pumpkin patch. It still strikes me as strange that we were wandering through pumpkins and fall decor in shorts and flip flops...in some ways I long for that crisp, Fall air, and in some ways I LOVED every second of jacket-free exploring. :)

We have always had corn mazes when we've gone to a pumpkin patch, but not the case here. lol. Wood pallets made up this one...

Jenny and Travis (Brandon's brother and sister-in-law) were here in Texas for the month on an externship for school, so we were lucky enough to have them go with us! This is their little girl Grace.

And the kids LOVED playing the big checkerboard! This is top of the Christmas list for sure! :)

Our attempted family picture... :)

And one for Travis and Jenny with their girls. :)

Some haystack fun...

 

And confession time...we don't ever buy the pumpkins at the pumpkin patch. {gasp} I did not buy a single pumpkin the year...and haven't for a few now. We haven't even carved pumpkins for...I wish I could remember how long. :) It's a tradition I wish I loved more...

BUT we always get pictures WITH the pumpkins! lol

While it wasn't as good as other pumpkin patches we've been to, it was still fun to make a new tradition in our new home and find a way to help it feel a little more like Fall...