He's BAAAAAAAACK!

After a month of being over a thousand miles apart...after meltdowns, and phone calls, and tears, and a lot of missing...

DADDY IS BACK....Brandon is home! And we are SO happy to be together again....

{thoughts}...lots of thoughts

Ever have a night where there is just so much to say?

And yet, it really feels like not much at the same time.

Going to write it down...just because...

I have been thinking a lot about this month. I started out with such optimism...and while it isn't that I don't feel it now, I have definitely felt the shifting of such feelings. It's not that I feel upset or negative about this month...I have learned a lot. Definitely. :) And I have grown to have a greater appreciation and love for Brandon. But I am also to the point that I am ready for it to be over. Today as I was hurrying around the house trying to take care of dinner, while Carter was crying and the kids were wrestling, and someone hurt someone else...ya, during that time the thought crossed my mind that I am just treading water right now. I am trying not to drown. And while I had ambitions to stay safely seated in a double inflatable flotation device at the beginning of the month, I realize now that it feels as though everything around me has gone under and it's just me treading as long and hard as I can to not get caught by the big wave or give in to sheer exhaustion.

I told Brandon tonight that I have a list of stuff I need to get done before he comes back so he doesn't think we lived in the trenches of a battlefield while he was gone. lol. Though, truth be told, our house looks it right about now. :) My list of to-do's has grown, and certain things keep getting re-prioritized...to the bottom.

And ya know, after feeling so excited about my weight loss on Tuesday night, I had a "down in the dumps" kind of day with it today. It isn't that I gained or anything...I just saw myself in the mirror (something I really try to avoid). And while I see the changes, I also still see that I am a far cry from where I hope I will be when all is said and done. I feel so sad that I ever got to the point I was at. I feel sad for the wasted years...and that for so long I lived below my potential. I know I will ultimately get where I want to be--at least with my weight. But I can't really control where the fat falls--and I really beat myself up about that one. Looking in the mirror made me really doubt myself in certain areas.

I have also found that when certain people have taken note of my weight loss, I find myself discounting their comments and saying something like, "well, I will never look as good as you!!"...

While this is likely true in most cases (seriously I am surrounded by people who come from really good gene pools! lol) , I want to kick myself every time I say it--because I don't want to sell myself short. Whether I look a certain way or not, I just want to FEEL good and be healthy. That's why I decided that now was my time to do what I needed to do to lose the weight.

I want...or WISH I could be that smokin' hot wife for Brandon...because quite frankly that is what he deserves! But it's days like today that I feel like that is the unachievable dream--there will always be too much flab, or too many facial flaws, or the pastiest of pasty white skin to block out my chances! lol :) I know he loves me for whatever I am--however I am--and for that I am grateful. I just wish I could give him my absolute best now, since I feel like for so many years I put that part on the backburner of life.

But my little emotional rant aside...I AM so excited for him to come home (whether I am smokin' hot or not!) . Less than 48 hours now and we can snuggle and hang out and talk face to face. It's like waiting for Christmas. :)

Then this month will be over. A new one will start...where we will be a family, all together.

And gosh that feels good.

Circus, Circus!

On Monday we were able to take the kids to the circus. My mom was here, and my sister and her daughter drove over to spend a couple days with us. So it was fun to have the chance to go all together.

I wish I could really put into words the feeling I get when I watch the kids soak in something so spectacular--it is fascinating to see all the acts and watch their big eyes and see them laugh or clap...I just think it is one of the best things about being a parent.

So, not much explanation necessary...but here's the little photo documentary of our trip to the circus. :)

(my sister Esther and her daughter Hannah)

Spencer cracked me up because he held his hands over his ears for a good while--

super sensitive, apparently...

except when it comes to making his own noise at home! :)

And towards intermission there was an act that had all these motorcycles inside the caged ball. It was INSANE! I can't believe they actually FIT all those motorcycles in there together, riding all over the place, and didn't have an accident! Gotta say, this was the part that made me really miss having Brandon there--I know he would have loved watching this act.

We left at intermission. Are we lame or what?! Seriously, the kids don't enjoy being out late. And I am okay with that. We are 7 o'clock bedtime kind of people, and even with everyone taking a mandatory nap before going, they were ready to be in bed come 9 p.m. Even if we had wanted to stay, our option was limited after a certain little boy didn't make it to the bathroom in time... :) Oh the joys...

I also must insert the awards of the night...one going to my mom who held Carter almost the entire time we were there so I could take pictures (while he drooled on her)....THANK YOU!

And the other award goes to Carter himself...

...the boy who, after sleeping less time during the day than any other child in our family, stayed awake the ENTIRE time we were there.

I was seriously impressed. {lol}

and when we got home, he went to sleep like a dream...

perhaps we should go to the circus more often. :)

Annual caramel apple bar! :)

It's catch up time! My mom has come and gone, and I only have a few days before Brandon returns, so it's time to document a couple things we did last week! :)

There are so many reasons I love this time of year--the change of the leaves, the crispness of the air whipping around us as we walk, the crackling of fire, and the steam rising off the hot cocoa...but I especially love this time of year because of all the traditions!

Fall would just not be complete without our annual caramel apple bar! We usually have a MUCH larger assortment of toppings--but this year I scaled back and only used what we already had on hand (I didn't want to have all sorts of candy sitting in my house!! Trying to keep temptation out!) But we still had a good assortment of stuff, and we had a sticky icky scrumdidlyumptious time.

Weighing in - week 15

Perhaps this is the most boring post of the week for some of you...but I've got to say, I absolutely look forward to writing it...becoming healthier, losing weight, and really exploring a new side of me has been such a tremendous source of growth for me. I love putting on my same outfit every Tuesday night, weighing on the same scale, at the same time...and then seeing where I end up. I love tracking the foods I am eating and being AWARE of what is going in my body...I look forward to seeing my progress...and I am especially grateful for the change I have felt inside. More than anything, losing the outside weight has really helped me to shed some of the inside baggage, so to speak. :) I feel so much happier now than I have in a long time. It is not to say I don't struggle with things still, but on a whole, I am in a much better place than I have been before.

As for this week...I am realizing more and more that people carry weight differently. A set number doesn't mean a thing--because we are all different heights and from different gene pools. :) It is sometimes difficult to accept that regardless of how much I end up losing, I will still have some of the physical traits that may make me look heavier than someone else who may weigh the same or wear a smaller size. It's just life. :) That being said, I think that I have thought for a long time that no matter how much weight I lost, I would still somehow look the same.

Not the case.

I may not have some incredible transformation to show, but I have passed myself in a store window or mirror and glanced over thinking there was someone next to me....because the Rachel I know does NOT look like the girl I see. Perhaps more of those feelings come from the inside than what is really apparent on the outside--likely so. But regardless, I am noticing changes in myself--my PHYSICAL self. And having the inside transformation is just as important, if not more, than the outside one.

I have lost 9 pounds since Brandon left for his externship. It's strange to think...I haven't seen him since 9 pounds ago! :) While he may not see a difference, deep down, I really hope he does. (and not just says so because he knows I have lost the pounds! lol) I feel anxious, and excited...and I absolutely CANNOT WAIT to have him come home this weekend! Gosh I have missed him...but having this weight loss goal made me a woman on a mission, and I wanted to really work the hardest I could to lose the most I could while he was gone. :)

Several of you have asked for an AFTER picture...and well, it's coming. But I have been wanting to not post anything and hold out for Brandon to see me in person first. And, gotta be honest, I really have limited clothing right now. I'm wearing jeans and shirts from 30 pounds ago--and it's bad, bad news...but it's also really hard to want to buy too much when I hope I will only go down from here. :) And really, who has that kind of money laying around!? But rest assured, a picture is well on it's way--after Saturday. :)

But this AFTER picture will only be a pit stop. I am ready to tackle the final 20 pounds...for good. :)

Week 1 - lost 2.2 pounds

Week 2 - lost 2.2 pounds

Week 3 - lost 2 pounds

Week 4 - lost 2.8 pounds

Week 5 - lost 2.8 pounds

Week 6 - lost .4 pounds

Week 7 - lost 3.8 pounds

Week 8 - lost 1.2 pounds

Week 9 - lost 1 pound

Week 10 - lost 2.4 pounds

Week 11 - lost 3.2 pounds

Week 12 - lost .8 pounds

Week 13 - lost 1.8 pounds

Week 14 - lost 3 pounds

Week 15 - lost 3.4 pounds

Total lost to date: 33 pounds

17 more pounds to go!

Carter-mania

Carter has been more smiley lately--and I happened to catch a little bit of it on camera. :)

I only wish he made these cute faces during the 10 times he wakes up each night to nurse (okay, that may be slightly exaggerated, but not gonna lie--it sure does feel like that due to my major sleep deprivation!) :)

For your viewing pleasure...

Reinforcement has arrived!

Been busy the past few days...busy spending time with grandma (a.k.a. reinforcement!)

It's been SO nice to have my mom around. We've spent lots of time doing, well, not much besides the regular daily chaos! (there doesn't seem to be time for too much else!) :) But we HAVE spent a lot of time talking--which has been really nice. And she's taken over when I need to run people places, etc...it's been really good. We've also been trying out several healthy recipes and my mom has already lost a couple pounds. It's been yummy, AND good...can't go wrong there! :)

I've waited anxiously for this visit all month and am so glad it's finally here.

Her visit also means that we're even closer to Brandon coming home.

7 days. Only 7 more days. We can't wait to see him....

So we will pass the rest of the time, enjoying grandma time and counting down the days! :)

Weighing in - week 14

Am I seriously on week 14? I just can't believe it!

This week was pretty good. I've got to start by taking a minute to celebrate a small victory of mine. Here we are on October 19. and I have not bought a single bag of halloween candy! This is huge for me. I have a MAJOR weakness for Butterfinger bars and other seasonal candy. And it kills me to see how CHEAP it is right now because it is SO tempting. But every time I pass it, I tell myself..."MY HEALTH IS WORTH MORE THAN $1.99!!!" And it is. :) Sure, I love the occasional candy bar--and losing weight and getting healthy is not the end of my sweet indulgences once in a while. But once you buy the bag--it's just too easy for it all to disappear too quickly! :) At least for me. So for me, for NOW, I am staying far, far away. And dangit, I am really proud!

How do I feel this week? Well...good. I feel good. I think for a long time I felt like if anyone said anything about me losing weight, they were saying so only because they have read my blog or knew I was trying to lose weight, and had some obligation to say something. But at church on Sunday, I had several people (who I know don't read the bloggity blog and I'm not close enough for them to know my weight loss story) come up to me and make comments on how they noticed I was losing weight. { silent cheers! } It felt great!

I hope I can make others feel just as good--because there are certainly many opportunities to....with new haircuts or a great outfit, or just a good makeup or hair day. :) This has given me a new resolve to make sure I tell other people that their efforts are noticed. :)

So, here I am. closing in on that 30 pound mark....feeling good...still knowing there is much work ahead, but trying to be happy with how I am (and who I am) at this very time in my life.

Week 1 - lost 2.2 pounds

Week 2 - lost 2.2 pounds

Week 3 - lost 2 pounds

Week 4 - lost 2.8 pounds

Week 5 - lost 2.8 pounds

Week 6 - lost .4 pounds

Week 7 - lost 3.8 pounds

Week 8 - lost 1.2 pounds

Week 9 - lost 1 pound

Week 10 - lost 2.4 pounds

Week 11 - lost 3.2 pounds

Week 12 - lost .8 pounds

Week 13 - lost 1.8 pounds

Week 14 - lost 3 pounds

Total lost to date: 29.6 pounds

.4 pounds to go!

When you need a little somethin' funny.

Today was the pure definition of stress.

It wasn't just the kids--it was EVERYTHING. The expected. The unexpected. Just life.

I'm beginning to think I don't handle stress very well. Ya think? :)

So after the kids went to bed, I had myself a little piece of pumpkin cheesecake and cranked up Pandora to drown out the crying (because after a couple hours I've realized that one cannot possibly hold the wee little man for as long as he thinks he needs held tonight {would be all night...}--especially when he is plain ol' exhausted and just needs to go to sleep!)

I just needed somethin' FUNNY to take the edge off my day...

So I uploaded the pictures I tried to take of the kids yesterday. Thought I would check out what we ended up with...

HAHAHAHAHHA....

Man these pictures took me back to the moment of taking them. It was hard not to laugh, even though I wanted to scold and beg and plead for NICE SMILES. Okay, so I did scold and beg and plead... lol. I am all about getting kids au natural, so to speak--you know, unposed. But when there is a playground beckoning their name (that's covered in grafitti) you don't get a lot of cooperation. :) But it was a valiant effort. :) And we will likely give these another try in the near future provided the weather holds up for us. :)

But here are a few more for daddy's sake... :)

Also wanted to write down, before I forget, something funny Kaden said the other day. He and Spencer were pretend karate chopping and doing all those superhero moves that little boys do. Kaden stopped for a minute and watched Spencer carry on--and then exclaimed matter of factly, "Ya Spence! That's a great battlecat move!"

Don't know why, but that caught me off guard and made me laugh. I just want to know this...how does he know who battlecat is?!?! :) I don't think I even know!

My mom will be getting here tomorrow to spend some time, and I am really excited. Everyone is, really...but Jenna is ESPECIALLY excited. When I asked her why, she responded that grandma makes the best bagels. She has waken up every day for almost 2 weeks now, counting down the days till grandma will come make her a bagel. The funniest part of all this, is that my mom has no idea what she is talking about. When I asked Jenna today, she said that grandma puts LOTS OF BUTTER on them! lol

Apparently my bagel skills are weak. :)

And about little Spencer...well, if you haven't met Spencer, you're missing out. He thinks he is the funniest guy ever--and sometimes watching him think that is even funnier than what he was originally doing to BE funny. :) He's such a little character!

Carter gets in on the funny page today too--he's started laughing in his sleep. I could listen to that sound a million times over--because it makes me laugh so hard every time.

and it also melts my heart.

and makes me want to go scoop him up from his little bed and snuggle him to sleep, just so I can hear it again.

...sigh. just needed a dose of funny tonight. Now I will go back and face the little guy who is still not asleep and see if I can cuddle him calm and get him (and me) some good zzzz's. :)

Field trip to the farm

My sister Esther was just out here visiting for a few days. I am completely ashamed to admit that I have ZERO pictures. But I am grateful for her help and company--it helped time pass quickly!

Kaden had a field trip today--and thanks to the other kids being in school and my sister watching Carter, I was able to go with just Kaden.

HE. WAS. SO. EXCITED!

They started out with a story, craft and snack, and then we went on a hayride (which ended up being a really funny experience due to the big puddles of water that were sitting on the tarp-like coverings over us. Lots of splashing! :) We then watched them shoot off pumpkins from a giant launching machine, visited the barn to see the animals, and then hit up the corn maze...

It was pretty cold--so Kaden was bundled up. :)

If asked what Kaden's favorite part of the day was, hands down he would say the corn pool. A giant "pool" of corn kernals...to "swim" in, jump in, play in...

I loved watching him there. So very, very happy...

just loved spending one-on-one time with my little guy.

Weighing in - Week 13

This week has been kind of fun in the food department. Because I want to continue to eat well even when I've lost the weight, I've been really trying to tackle meals we already eat and love and healthify them...this week I mainly looked at desserts. :) So far I did a makeover on our hot fudge pudding cake and made a cheesecake...both will be on my recipe blog soon. Also got some great recipes bookmarked and made some breakfast bars and yummy chicken parmeasan. I love finding tips and tricks to cut down on fat and calories and still keep the yummy taste...so I am excited to do an overhaul on my current recipes.

I tried on some pants this week that were a size I thought I still had to aim for...and ya know what? They fit. They fit! I can't even begin to describe how EXCITED I was! I tried on another pair, and another...and all of them worked. I couldn't believe it. THAT FEELS SO GOOD.

As of today, I weight the same I weighed when I went in for my very first OB appointment when I was pregnant with Jenna. (I actually had to call the dr. I had 7 years ago to find out what the number was, because I have no REAL idea what my official pre-pregnancy weight would be.) So, this is the closest I can come to guessing my pre-preg weight. (since I went in pretty early--6 or 7 weeks pregnant) Obviously I carry the weight differently now...since I've got 4 kids and a tummy to show for it. :) But still, really proud to get to this point.

I am anxious to keep working hard while Brandon is gone, because I would LOVE to reach my 30 pound goal and see if I LOOK different to him when he comes back. And then I will start the losing of my final 15 pounds...which I am EXTREMELY excited at the prospect of losing.

Week 1 - lost 2.2 pounds

Week 2 - lost 2.2 pounds

Week 3 - lost 2 pounds

Week 4 - lost 2.8 pounds

Week 5 - lost 2.8 pounds

Week 6 - lost .4 pounds

Week 7 - lost 3.8 pounds

Week 8 - lost 1.2 pounds

Week 9 - lost 1 pound

Week 10 - lost 2.4 pounds

Week 11 - lost 3.2 pounds

Week 12 - lost .8 pounds

Week 13 - lost 1.8 pounds

Total lost to date: 26.6 pounds

3.4 pounds to go!

Perspective

We got to webchat with Brandon last night. I don't think I've ever seen the kids so excited! :) It was fun to see his face again--to hear him read the kids a bedtime story and do scriptures and prayers with us. It was just a nice, out of the normal routine kind of thing.

Yesterday was kind of a turning point for me. I got everyone ready for church, and we made it to stake conference even 5 minutes early. ;) Got through the meeting and then went home. We had decided that yesterday we were going to do things that made us happy. So the afternoon was spent with the kids playing together, while I took a rest and listened to a conference talk, and then we all baked some breakfast bars together. The weather was SO nice, so we ended up eating dinner outside--terriyaki chicken sandwiches and baked beans, chips and corn on the cob. Nothing says happy like corn on the cob. lol. :)

It isn't that we didn't have frustrating moments. But in the conference talk I listened to, I realized a few things. One thing I had come to my mind is that it isn't at all that I've been left alone. The Lord is so very aware of me--but sometimes I need a little struggle to really grow the way He knows is best for me.

As quoted from this talk...

"This mortal life is a proving ground. How well you meet its challenges determines how strong your character will be.

Your faith in Jesus Christ and His teachings fortifies your character.

...In early life I found that I could learn gospel teachings intellectually and, through the power of reason and analysis, recognize that they were of significant value. But their enormous power and ability to stretch me beyond the limits of my imagination and capacity did not become reality until patient, consistent practice allowed the Holy Spirit to distill and expand their meaning in my heart. I found that while I was sincerely serving others, God forged my personal character. He engendered a growing capacity to recognize the direction of the Spirit. The genius of the gospel plan is that by doing those things the Lord counsels us to do, we are given every understanding and every capacity necessary to provide peace and rich fulfillment in this life.

..."A strong testimony gives peace, comfort, and assurance. It generates the conviction that as the teachings of the Savior are consistently obeyed, life will be beautiful, the future will be secure, and there will be capacity to overcome the challenges that cross our path. "

The Transforming Power of Faith and Character, Elder Richard G. Scott, October 2010 general conference

There is a quote I have loved for a long time. It has come to my mind over and over this past week...

"It is through the flames of difficulty that the steel of faith is forged. EASE does not call forth greatness."

I would like to think that parts of me will grow better and stronger than I ever thought possible as a result of this month...and I would like to think that my faith will be more deeply rooted than ever before, as I strive to be consistent in the things that I know are right.

Perhaps this will not make much sense to anyone else--but it made so much sense to me yesterday. And my heart feels such gratitude for the words that were spoken. I feel grateful for this chance to grow--to be better.

And I especially am grateful for this change of perspective that I so desperately needed...

Carter - 3 months

Sadly, the program I usually do my photo collages in has crashed and I need to reinstall it before I can use it. But for the sake of time (or lack of time) I decided I better just put these up as is...

Can't believe he's 3 months already. THREE MONTHS. Just doesn't seem real. But it is... :)

At 3 months he's getting stronger and stronger. He loves to be held...hates to go to sleep...loves to nurse...did I mention he loves to nurse? jk

And even as difficult as the past week has been with him, we still love him to pieces-- :)

Picture below makes me laugh...