Skool Dayz and MoThErHoOd

Our typical afternoon consists of frantically rushing out the door to pick up kids from school, hurrying home to start dinner, sorting through the 8.3 tons of papers they send home every day, listening to 15 minutes of reading, helping with sight words, spelling words, handwriting...

It's hectic.

And emotional.

Despite being really successful in preschool, loving to learn, reciting his letters and sounds daily, longing to read and being so excited for school, Kaden has really struggled with this transition. 

It breaks my heart. It's a totally different kind of handwriting he has to learn, words he doesn't know, and in a sense I feel like his whole world has somehow turned upside down. He's a sensitive little guy, I get that. But I've never experienced him feeling so defeated that he just crumples into ball and sobs in my lap.

I feel so helpless.

And so guilty.

I often wonder....did I miss something along the way? Did I not teach him something I should have?

And most of all...HOW can I make this better? How can I help him see that he really CAN do it?

Then there is Jenna. I am often surprised at how very confident she is in her own style. And it's ironic to me how "her style" often translates to my insecurity of what others must think of me as a parent--that I somehow don't care about my children enough to get them out the door matching, neat and tidy, with a cute hairstyle and matching bow.

For example, sleeping on wet hair last night left her shoulder-length locks wavy--not a Taylor Swift cute wavy--but a "slept on wet hair" wavy. But she walked in the bathroom, SO thrilled and exclaimed, "mom, my hair looks SO great wavy! It is just so fancy!" {insert note that we are on a MAJOR Fancy Nancy kick} And when she brought in her ivory dress shoes {that have the tiniest of heels} and asked, on tippytoes (imagining how fancy she would be with high heels on) if she could wear them, it took everything inside of me to not reply "ABSOLUTELY NOT. They don't go with your button up shirt, with the belt you have on in the wrong place, with your capris". But no. She was thrilled. And she was secure with herself and how she looked.

And that is something I just don't want to take away from her.

Maybe because I don't have that same self-confidence. Maybe because I worry about whether or not people will shun me for wearing white capri's after Labor Day--even though we're still in the upper 90's, low 100's...inside I think to myself, THAT IS THE DUMBEST FASHION "RULE" EVER! But yet, my white capris hang in my closet, waiting.

I guess what I am saying is that sooner or later it feels that everyone else will make their way into her thoughts and decisions. And all too soon what they say will matter. And perhaps her own voice will seem smaller...the voice to say, I LIKE my hair this way. And I am confident to wear this outfit because it makes me feel good inside.

But for now, that's how I want her to be. And that is how I want her to feel.

I suppose I just am finding that the older the kids get, the more curveballs I am thrown. The ideas that I had about how raising children would be have been blasted out of the water. In many ways it has become more difficult than I ever anticipated. I have had a few days lately where I would never be nominated for the best mom award. I have yelled and screamed and thrown adult tantrums. 

And yet, in many other ways it has become so much more amazing than I ever anticipated. I had one of those moments this morning during family prayer. Now, our mornings are incredibly busy. Brandon often leaves for work before anyone should legally be allowed to be awake :), and so I am on my own to get everyone up, dressed, breakfast, hair, backpacks, and out the door before 7:15. And being honest, morning prayer is something that became less and less important over the years.

But this week I set a goal. To have everyone ready and in the living room by 7:10 so we could say family prayer. I worried I would be pushing it--because we had been doing good to even get ourselves out the DOOR by 7:15. But we put our little plan in place. And it has taken careful planning, but we've done it thus far.

This morning, Jenna asked if SHE could pray. She started her prayer, and prayed for each person individually. She prayed that Spencer would be able to speak more clearly and learn at school, and that Kaden would have a great time at his pajama party at school today, and that she would be able to run fast to make her goal in gym, and that Carter would take a good nap...and while those may all seem like little words to someone else, my eyes were filled with tears and my heart swelled.

So thoughtful. SO in tune to the needs of each family member.

Times like this, it feels that instead of being sent here to learn from me, they were really sent here to have ME learn from them...to help keep me on the right path...

And sometimes, at times like this, I can set aside the frazzling, overwhelming side of motherhood and see it for what it truly is...

A blessing.

Imagine from pinterest

Just because...

JUST BECAUSE...

I love watching these little ones together...

Even if it means they are all crowded 'round the bathroom sink giving their toys a bath...

And I love watching this little guy...

who loves to swing...and can officially climb from the bottom of the slide to the top.
All. By. Himself.

And this post is just because...
Our bathroom remodel is ALMOST done. I want to post pictures like, YESTERDAY, but we are almost to the finish line and big reveal. So I am holding off...by posting pics of other great things.
But man I just wanna post a picture and shout it to the world...
That we have now installed flooring for the first time...
And learned how to remove a toilet, AND re-install it.
And that we have painstakingly painted cabinets and trim and more trim and walls...
And that looking at our bathroom makes me feel SO proud and SATISFIED.

And this post is also because I had an incredible weekend. It was certainly not one without stress. But it was one where I felt what I needed to feel, I had some MUCH needed time out of the house, and many prayers were answered and inspiration received.
And a lot of the uncertainty, frustration, depression, and turmoil I was feeling, has not completely disappeared...but rather found a new direction. My burden feels lighter. My view more optimistic.

And THAT feels so very wonderful.

It's a girl {and boy} thing...

We may only have 1 girl in our lineup of children.

But you would never know.

The boys are just as likely to play with My Little Ponies and Littlest Pet Shop as she is...and often follow her choice for movies and shows, regardless of whether it's Barbie or Hello Kitty.

Some may see this as a problem. I see it as only one thing...adoration. Those boys LOVE Jenna. They want to follow her lead and make her happy. And they love the games and ideas she comes up with.

So it was no surprise to me when she suggested a "fancy" fashion show. She dolled everyone up with bows and dresses. And they actually played along. :) Kaden insisted on walking the runway with a banana on his head. And Jenna's "catwalk" consisted of an attempted cartwheel. Every outfit. I was laughing so hard I cried.

They truly had so much fun.
We laughed and laughed.
And they pranced and cartwheeled and spun around.

I hope she always realizes what a special role she plays in our family...
And I hope they always adore their sister...that they continue to love and respect her...
{though, Brandon wouldn't mind if they lost the dress-up games along the way. lol}

(and even though this little man didn't get all dolled up, he still melts my heart and deserved an appearance. :)

1,2,3, FLOOR! Bathroom issues...

Our bathroom redo that was going to be just painting the walls and putting trim around our mirror, has morphed into painting the walls, putting trim up, painting the cabinets, adding crown molding, and redoing the floors.

Don't ask...Because the truth is, I don't know how we got to this point. lol

I do not know why it is SO hard for me to make decisions in the decorating department in this house. Perhaps it's because for the first time we really get to CHOOSE what paint goes on the wall, instead of making our stuff work with whatever is already there. And you would THINK that would make it SO easy. But it's not. And knowing that this house is going on the market in another 2 1/2 years makes it even HARDER. Because what we paint now, is what I want it to stay, and how I want it to be when it's shown to prospective buyers. So even though I am decorating this house for US, I am also trying to keep everything fairly neutral for somebody ELSE.

And that really makes me feel between a rock and a hard place! :)

So here's where we are. I went out on a limb and painted our bathroom this color below. (image found online).




The cabinets and all the trim are white. The decor on the wall is white. The garden tub and surround are white, and the countertops are white. I tried and tried to have an accent color, but everything I brought in looked terrible with the walls. There is no natural light, which I think plays a roll in how the color looks on my wall. Don't get me wrong. I actually LOVE the color. But I am afraid that doing ONLY the gray and white will feel too sterile...and cold.

We are in the process of choosing bathroom flooring. I have read rave reviews on this product that looks like wood flooring but is water resistant. I brought home a sample, and really love the warmth it gives the bathroom. But I also brought home some vinyl tile samples...all in the gray family (because the other stuff looked terrible--anything with beige or browns). And while the gray matches fine and looks okay, It feels cold to me.



So my question is...do you think a medium/darker wood floor would be okay with the gray? Or should I go more the "matchy-matchy" route and do this "slate" tile?



Or do I cut my losses and paint my bathroom all over again? The thought just kills me...but maybe I do just need to go with a safer neutral? Any ideas?

Happy {ridiculously late} Birthday Brandon!

Well, it came...and went. In July, really. (That's almost like September, right?) The event I had anticipated for so long...that I made big plans to celebrate and make a big deal over...

The big THREE-O (for Brandon, of course)

And where were we on his birthday? 

IDAHO. Hanging out with family. Going to West Yellowstone and Playmill theater.

Where was he?

Texas.
Alone.
Working.

I felt terrible...horrible...no good...very bad...about being away for his birthday. I wish I could have made the timing for our family reunion different. But I couldn't. And all the circumstances just meant we would have to be apart.

Thankfully, he was able to meet up with his brother and sister-in-law to see a movie while we were gone, and a few generous souls had him over for dinner. But it just wasn't the same.

The funny thing is, Brandon would have had this birthday come and go and never take note. He was FINE with that. It was really just ME wanting to make a big deal about it.
I can't help it. I just want to celebrate him and life and finally joining me in the 30's! :)

Thankfully, one of his co-residents also had a 30th birthday around that time--so when we got back from our trip, his wife and I planned a dinner and candle-blowing for the two old men. :)

And I at least got a little (although very belated) chance to celebrate the man who makes life really wonderful.

I can't say enough thanks to him, for his hard work and dedication...there are many long days and nights and countless hours spent studying, preparing, working. And I sit in AWE at how he handles it all. Personally, if I were to work a night shift, get 3 hours sleep, waken up by small children, and then go back in to work a night shift again, I would hardly be as chipper and alert as he manages to be.

I feel blessed to have this "old" man in my life. :) And we have 4 very lucky kiddos who feel the same way.
Happy Birthday to one of the best guys we know!

More from the archives...

I was going back through pictures and realized I never posted some pictures taken this summer. The first batch were taken right before we left for Idaho--when it happened to rain! Well...kind of. It sprinkled for about 15 minutes. As soon as the kids saw it, they grabbed their rain boots and umbrellas and headed outside to play. The umbrellas got ditched early on, in exchange for rain-made waterslides and swinging through the mist.

It was a momentous occasion since it was the only time since living here that we have seen rain. And I couldn't blame them for taking it all in...

This little guy wasn't quite ready to head out in the rain. Well, he was. But I wasn't ready for him to. :)
Try not to be jealous of all the fingerprints on my back door. :)


I also somehow never posted about our trip to the lake. Brandon had a day off and we spent it together swimming and relaxing and picnic lunch eating and sand castle building. :) The water was SO warm. And I've gotta say, I am a sucker for the way the sand feels under your feet.

(don't you love the crusties?? so gross!)

This is a random picture the kids asked us to take of them one day. We had brought one of the carseats in for some reason, and they all piled in. It was pretty funny at the time--they all posed so cute. But I was rushing to get a picture and the others turned out too blurry...So this was in the end, when they were all starting to fall over. You win some, you lose some, right? Either way, it was really cute at the time. :)

An arm and a leg and a kidney on the black market...

Last week I thought my luck was changing for the better...

There was one particular day of awesomeness...ya know, one of those days where things just fall right into place and the world looks brighter and better. I even WON something. {insert gasp}. I never win things. So this was huge to me! And having a $40 value, I felt like we won the jackpot to an incredible show that was coming to town called "Critter Fare". I had envisioned a really fun family day out, where we would be gone the better part of the day and then pick up some dinner out and wrap up one great big happy weekend.

What happened instead, was something like this....

We attempted to watch a man talk sarcastically for about 45 minutes to tigers, trying to make them roll over and jump and do tricks. The kids were D-O-N-E after about 7 minutes. Gotta say, I don't blame them. It was a snoozer!

It wasn't long after getting inside that we realized that if we wanted to do ANYTHING, it was gonna cost us.
$7 for a facepainting that will be gone in the bathtub a few hours later?
Multiplied by 3...
Just take it...take my right arm, please!

I told Brandon if we had paid, I would have stormed out furious.
But we were trying to make the best of our "free" tickets--that really cost us 2 bad attitudes and $21.

We were desperate to salvage the day, so we settled on the only other option--the $4 faces.

Kaden's face made us laugh--he really did look like some dead zombie or something.
Boy was it funny!

Picture with the python...$5.00
FIVE BUCKS to get a picture taken with YOUR camera with a SNAKE!
For real?

We took the free pic with the chintzy wood cutout in front of the ugly blue tarp.
Classy, I tell ya!

Thankfully, running around in circles cost us nothing.
We were trying to buy ourselves some time (no pun intended) before the next show...

We hoped that out of the measly 4 options of additional things to do, we would find SOMETHING.
2 minute Camel rides...$5
Pony ride...$4.00
5 times down the blowup slide...$3.00

We practically had to wipe our jaws off the floor.
But we went with the cheapest thing--the kids took their few turns while I stood at the bottom of the musty {and possibly moldy} blowup.
It was bad.

But lest we not forget the highlight of the 52 minutes we managed to stay there...
A grown man in a Spiderman suit...offering pictures with individuals OR groups for the fair market price of a kidney on the black market...

A little of this and a little of that...

I almost fainted when I realized it has been almost a week since I last posted. I've had a lot going on--in my brain and in my life. :) And while there are pictures to be uploaded and posted, and lots to document, today I just needed to blog for the sake of writing things down.

Our bathroom is now a full week into it's little overhaul. I never ever realized how big of a task this would be. It has been an ENORMOUS undertaking. Perhaps it feels bigger than it really is, since we're still in the middle of things--and maybe later it will be like, "ya, bathroom redo? Totally quick and easy project!" But right now it has been consuming every night, and every spare second of my day. Paint. Wait. Sand. Paint. Wait. Sand. Installing the mirror trim almost sent me over the edge--I laugh now. I do. But at the moment, I had a lot of  ^%&$@*& going on in my head! We are finally in the home stretch--we put the protective finish on the cabinets, and just need to install the new hardware and give it a good, deep cleaning, hang the towel rack and a few other finishing touches. I CAN'T WAIT to have access to our bathroom again!


Bathroom stuff aside, I have been thinking a lot this past week about life. I think with school starting, and all the shuffling back and forth here and there, keeping up with all the stuff that fills the calendar, it has become easier and easier to lose sight of the things that keep me in the place I want to be. I am realizing more and more that I am the kind of person who needs a goal. I need to reach for something. To have something waiting at the end of a long road. I need to see progress in myself...to see change. And yet, with the daily busyness it has felt like that isn't important anymore.

I would be a fool to pretend that this is true. I would be a liar to say that I haven't been tremendously impacted by the effects of depression multiple times in my life. And I would be an idiot to ignore that I have felt myself slipping back to that place, little by little. It is terrifying.

It makes me think back to my weight loss journey--that was truly one of the hardest, and yet most rewarding times of my life. Every week I attended my weigh-in meeting. Every week I put myself first, even if only for half an hour. And every week I tracked my progress. I acknowledged my struggles, I rejoiced in my successes. And despite the incredible stress and trials our family went through during that time, I still feel like I was able to ward off postpartum depression and deal with things better than I had previously in similar times  in my life.

My point it, for me, I KNOW that having a goal--having something to work for--somehow FORCES me to allow me to take time for myself. It makes me grow. And perhaps I am alone in feeling this, but I feel like it is almost impossible to be stuck in the drowning feeling of depression when you are moving upward towards something greater.

I didn't mean for this whole post to be about depression--and writing it out here makes me feel quite vulnerable. But I just need to say it for me...that I have really struggled the past few months. That right now I don't feel very strong. But that I see something bigger and brighter than the feelings of insecurity and doubt that have plagued me. And somehow it feels that when I can get myself organized, my goals in place, and myself more spiritually in tune, things will look up.

I do feel blessed, in many ways. I feel blessed that we are not right in the path of all the fires that have been raging in central Texas. I know we could. I know it could be our home that is gone in a matter of seconds. It could be us evacuating. And yet it's not. At least not yet. My heart goes out to those affected. We are definitely surrounded by the devastation that this drought has caused. And Texas in general is in desperate need of rain. Can I make a plea, to each of you? Please, please pray for rain. Our area is suffering greatly, and we need a miracle. We need the heavens to open and pour down. And I believe that every prayer counts...

In other news, I cannot believe that I failed to record when Carter took his first steps. And my brain is hardly reliable to try to accurately go back and record that. But I will say that at 14 months, he is FINALLY making several steps in a row (sometimes he gets across a room). He thinks he is pretty hot stuff too, so it's pretty funny. I am not sure why he is such a late bloomer in the walking department, but I would guess it has something to do with the fact that he's the 4th baby in a family of walkers--and that there was just not really a need--he's a baby who likes to just enjoy the scenery and take it all in. :) But he's getting there! He amazes me with all he is learning though. I think that watching a baby grow and develop is one of the most incredible experiences we get to witness as parents. When I rock him and sing songs at bedtime, he lays against me sweetly, and as soon as the song is over he sits up and signs "more". He is saying "no" more often, and I can tell he is understanding us and what is going on often. It's like I can almost see the gears in his head turning!

Jenna lost her front tooth this week, and has been SO thrilled. Spencer immediately tried over and over to get HIS tooth out and was in tears when it wouldn't happen. Kaden has adjusted surprisingly well to kindergarten and loves that they are starting to read. It's really so much fun to see the kids grow and change. In some ways I want to keep them small forever--and in other ways, I can't think of anything more wonderful than seeing them find out who they are.

If you've made it this far, I am in awe. :) I didn't mean for this to be a ramble of rambles, but somehow it ended up that way. I will get it together and post more pictures soon... :)

Lately...

We've been busy--getting back to school and starting projects and such. Brandon finished his Emergency Room rotation, and for whatever reason it feels good having that month behind us.

So, because I am nerdy enough to ask the city's visitor center where the heck the local sno-cone places are (because I knew that had to exist), we found one and had to go check it out! (and yes, Brandon rolled his eyes at me. :) It happened to be located next to an awesome park--so I ordered up, and the kids played.

And we celebrated in sno-cone style. :)

We also have been swimming--it's strange to see pool season come to an end when it's still 100 degrees outside. So we soak it in when we get the chance.

Some of us have been stealing oreos from abandoned plates. Not that you can tell who... :)

Funny random story that happened--the kids got ice cream cones for dessert one night, which we always have them eat outside. They had forgotten to put on shoes, so they devised a plan to put them in the freezer and run grab their shoes. I wasn't in the room at the time, but they put them in a "great spot"--on the ice dispenser. So when they tried to close the door, SPLAT!

I know it's terrible to say, but it was HILARIOUS! They were all sobbing--but I couldn't help but chuckle at the smashed ice cream cones in the freezer--they were replaced and smiles headed out the back door, but man it was funny at the time!

In other news...
We've also been busy working on projects--so many pieces of our house are finally coming together, and I can't wait to post AFTER pics. We intended on starting Jenna's bedroom, but after multiple trips to Lowe's the other day, we ended up starting our bathroom redo, which we are in the midst of as we speak (framing our mirror tonight, and SO excited!) 

Hoping I can stay caught up on things more--I've been reading back through old blog posts and I really do miss the journaling I did before. It was insightful, funny to look back on, and a big piece of our lives that I cherish.

And I want that now too...

The BEST view...

One thing I love about this house of ours, is the view I see when doing dishes or making dinner or taking care of kitchen stuff...

I love the mess. I love that things get taken out and played with. Books get read. Time is spent together.

I have no regrets that we held out for a house with a playroom...
It has exceeded my expectations 100 times over.
I love that my kiddos really enjoy each other...
{most days}
and could spend hours letting their imaginations run wild.

Today, I feel blessed to have such a great view...