The End...and The Beginning

10:21 p.m. on New Year's Eve...

I am the only one in my house who is awake.

The kids have all been soundly sleeping for several hours and Brandon fell asleep with a book, only seconds after he assured me he wouldn't fall asleep "right this minute". :)

We are clearly party animals over here...

I was laying in bed thinking about the end of the year--what this year has been for us. And I was thinking about the beginning. The magical blank slate that starts at midnight, that gives a sense of hope and a fresh start.

2014 was...

hard. Oh my goodness it was hard.


We spent many months job hunting, sold our house, had a baby, signed papers to buy a practice, moved, spent a couple weeks apart while Brandon finished residency and I was settling in our new place. We took a trip to Idaho, started kids in new schools, endured months of no income while we waited for Brandon to be accepted by insurances. We have spent months figuring out the business side of things--the firing, the hiring, people quitting...

We are stretching and growing--learning to adapt to new callings and scenarios.

 It was also good. Really good....as we stepped back from the really hard and saw the blessings that were filtering in.

That somehow, we managed to sell our house without a realtor...that we had a healthy baby at just the right time to be covered on our great health insurance...that despite the months of job roller coaster, in the 11th hour we were presented an opportunity that we would have never considered otherwise and that it was the very opportunity that was right for our family. We feel blessed that even in those months of no income, we were given a way to stay afloat without living off credit cards. And we even feel grateful that our very important employee we hired, quit. Because doors opened and we found someone who is a hundred times more the right fit for our office.

I guess what I am saying, is that in the moment of darkness it is difficult to feel anything but heavy, lost, frustrated, and that the weight of the world could just crush you if you make a wrong move. But as I look back on all those dark moments, I see the light that carried us through and the good that came.

I know there is much unknown ahead. I was thinking earlier about how nervous I am that tomorrow the business is all ours! And then it hit me--there is no fear in faith! When I look at the miracles that lead us to this opportunity, I can think of only reasons to embrace excitement and optimism.

This year I will strive to document more. To yell less. To love deeper. To accept imperfection. To hold to the goal--to finish losing this weight. To grow my spiritual roots even deeper than they are. To find more ways to serve others...

I just want to be better...to use this blank slate for GOOD...

I want to stretch and grow and change so that this time next year I can sit down and say I held strong through the trials that came, and that the Lord walked me through and created something in me that is far greater than I could imagine.

Happy New Year...

On the edge of the unknown

Despite the desire to spend this morning catching up on photos and updates from the past 6 months, we just got a new computer and it may take me 6 months to get the old pictures transferred over...so let's just start fresh from here for now, shall we?

It's early. I've been up already for a few hours, lots on my mind.

I've wanted many times to sit down and update where we are at. Sometimes there just aren't the words...

Right after writing about being in the YW presidency, I was released and called as the Relief Society President. It was a COMPLETE shock, and in many ways I am still stunned that someone thought me competent enough to help assist in the many needs of the ward. I many ways I still feel very overwhelmed...my brain is on overdrive and processing a million things right now...

raising my kids...

The sweet Relief Society sisters...

taking over a business...

learning all the ins and outs and things I need to know to do payroll and the accounting part...

furnishing and decorating my house...

preparing for company...

Christmas...

losing weight...

securing insurance thanks to self-employment...

a teething baby...

personal struggles...

the chaos of my house right now...

and everyday life.

I feel incredibly honored to serve the sisters in our ward. There are so many amazing women and I am learning from so many different situations. But man, it's tough to always worry that I am forgetting something or letting someone in my life down. I find myself trying to stay afloat...and it will probably take me a while to get over the feeling that I am stepping in and disrupting the things that were already set up here. After all, I am the new person--and I have only lived here 5 months now.

This week is a big week...a scary week.

This week, everything changes. The doctor Brandon has been working with is officially leaving at the end of the week. There was something comforting about having him here--but in 16 more days, the business is all ours and Brandon is flying solo. I don't doubt Brandon's professional abilities at all--he's a great Podiatrist. But buying a practice,  and running it, and keeping up with all the ins and outs and hiring and firing, being responsible for other people's salaries and our OWN salary, advertising, etc...well, this is completely uncharted territory for us. 

When we came to Amarillo it was with the understanding that Brandon would take a part time position with the VA hospital and work at the practice part time. After months and months of waiting and paperwork, and prayer, we realized that the V.A. hospital was not meant to be in our picture and we had to turn it down. That was a tough pill to swallow--because it was the source of stability that brought us here. Letting go of the handrail when you're walking on a moving staircase is incredibly scary...and stressful. We have faith that it was the right thing--even if it's the scary thing--and trust the Lord will guide us through. 

Last year was one of the hardest years of our life. But we grew. A lot. We have talked often about what we would have done if the V.A. hadn't been in the picture...it would have been MUCH harder to feel secure in coming to Amarillo. Perhaps that is why it was in the picture when it was--to give us that nudge that it would be okay. And in every way we have felt reassured over and over that this is where we need to be. But we now find ourselves at the edge of the unknown...once again. With kids and callings and work and life--that comfort we find in just KNOWING what is to come is not there. But what IS there is the comfort of knowing that the Lord won't let us fall. Even if it's difficult. Even if it's stressful and makes us learn hard lessons...He will be there. We know this. I know this.

And I am writing this so I remember...we can do hard things. We have done hard things. And the greatest growth comes from the most difficult trials.

On the edge of the unknown...moving forward, little step by little step.

Josie--7 months

Dear Josie,

7 big ones...already!

At 7 months you have gone from dragging yourself across a few feet of floor to full on dragging your body across any open space. Sitting still is not really an option for you. :) This means that the floor that is used by 6 other people is your constant playground, and your poor clothes often wear the spills and dirt that are a part of day to day life in a family with lots of kids. You're still not up on all fours, but I watch you rock back and forth on your hands and knees and am sure it's close.

At 7 months you are LOVING food more and more. You will attempt to eat anything in front of you! You still love to nurse, however you also love to bite down and think it's a game when I tell you no. You also love to attempt to crawl WHILE nursing--and feel the need to stroke my lips, nose, and eyes while getting your milk fix. It's rough stuff to nurse a mover like you! :) But I do love the chance to slow down even if just for a few minutes, and snuggle you as much as I can.

You are becoming more and more interactive with the kids--YOU ADORE THEM! All of them! We are to the point where we can take you upstairs to the toy room and sit you down, and you crawl around playing with all of the kids for a good 30-40 minutes. And it is a MUST that you be the one to help tuck them in each night, often with special requests to read you stories in their beds. They love you to pieces--and you love them. We are SO grateful you are in our family--and that you bring a happiness that would have come in no other way!

At 7 months you are SO close to getting that first tooth! (UPDATE: first tooth officially popped through on 12/13/14) And as we have found with the other kids, teething brings the grumpy, whiny, restlessness...but it makes us appreciate the happy times even more! :)

We often laugh at your cute hairline--it's a bald man's hairline in front and an afro in the back. But it's stayed dark thus far--which I love--and I am anxious to see how it will grow out in the coming months. You are such a cute girl and we love you to pieces!

Some days I am afraid to go to sleep each night knowing that the time is passing so quickly and not wanting to miss anything with you--and yet I look forward to watching you grow! You are an amazing little girl and you have changed us forever!

WE LOVE YOU!
Love, mom